studio, I want Ron to start wearing pants."
Yes, Don Cherry will be back for another year on Hockey Night in Canada. The controversial but undeniably popular hockey personality has agreed to an extension with the CBC, and will continue to appear on Coach's Corner through at least the end of the 2012 season. The news will thrill many fans, and infuriate others. That divisiveness is a large part of what makes Cherry the biggest media star in the country, one who constantly makes headlines for his opinions on the state of the game.
Since this is hockey, the release announcing the deal included a line noting that "the terms of Mr. Cherry's contract were not disclosed". And while that may have been true initially, DGB spies were able to get their hands on a copy of the agreement.
As you'd expect for a star of Cherry's stature, the deal includes a long list of special provisions and clauses:
- From now on, Cherry must agree to avoid the appearance of bias by being careful to refer to the Toronto Maple Leafs as "they" instead of "we", such as in "boy, I really really really hope they win tonight".
- The deal is in the ten to twelve million range, assuming we're talking jacket colors.
- As in previous contracts, Cherry must pretend to understand Ron MacLean's show-closing pun at least twice per season.
- The deal has a no-trade clause, for reasons nobody quite understands but assume is related to that time the contract was left alone with John Ferguson Jr. for a few minutes.
- Cherry will have rights to use footage from the show in some sort of hockey highlight video bearing his name, just on the off chance he ever decides that sounds like something he might want to do.
- The CBC agrees to continue to only employ stylists who don't know that goatees went out of fashion in 1996.
- Cherry will lead an annual seminar for all other former players and coaches in the broadcast industry entitled "A beginner's guide to having an actual opinion about something."
- In addition to Hockey Night In Canada, Cherry will be contractually obligated to make guest appearances on other hit Canadian television shows, such as… um… geez… is Bumper Stumpers still on the air?
- Cherry agrees to try to turn down the gangster rap that's always blaring from his dressing room by a few decibels, but he's not making any promises.
- Coach's Corner will continue to have a fake opening that just leads to another commercial, which will fool you into prematurely shushing everyone in the room and then feeling like and idiot every single freaking time.
- The contract will include a small raise for Cherry's support staff and administrative assistants, and a massive raise for the poor sap who has to do his closed captioning.
- The CBC agrees to assist in international efforts to track down every existing copy of the 1993 novelty single "Rock'em Sock'em Techno", load them onto a rocket ship, and shoot it into the center of the sun.
- Cherry will somehow continue to be allowed to be the only person on the planet to hold offensively out-dated and moronic views, such as expressing a preference for his own country.
- In an effort to silence the chorus of critics who constantly demand that he be fired, each Cherry appearance will now be preceded by a brief reminder that he's just going to end up being replaced by Mike Milbury.
- Cherry will be limited to no more than five sick days per year, although Bruin fans know that he'll probably get confused and accidentally use six.