Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Don Cherry's Hockey Night in Canada contract revealed

"Look, I don't care how hot it gets in the
studio, I want Ron to start wearing pants."
One of the hockey world's biggest stars has avoided pending free agency by signing an extension. But instead of a player, it was someone many Canadian fans would consider far more important.

Yes, Don Cherry will be back for another year on Hockey Night in Canada. The controversial but undeniably popular hockey personality has agreed to an extension with the CBC, and will continue to appear on Coach's Corner through at least the end of the 2012 season. The news will thrill many fans, and infuriate others. That divisiveness is a large part of what makes Cherry the biggest media star in the country, one who constantly makes headlines for his opinions on the state of the game.

Since this is hockey, the release announcing the deal included a line noting that "the terms of Mr. Cherry's contract were not disclosed". And while that may have been true initially, DGB spies were able to get their hands on a copy of the agreement.

As you'd expect for a star of Cherry's stature, the deal includes a long list of special provisions and clauses:
  • From now on, Cherry must agree to avoid the appearance of bias by being careful to refer to the Toronto Maple Leafs as "they" instead of "we", such as in "boy, I really really really hope they win tonight".

  • The deal is in the ten to twelve million range, assuming we're talking jacket colors.

  • As in previous contracts, Cherry must pretend to understand Ron MacLean's show-closing pun at least twice per season.

  • The deal has a no-trade clause, for reasons nobody quite understands but assume is related to that time the contract was left alone with John Ferguson Jr. for a few minutes.

  • Cherry will have rights to use footage from the show in some sort of hockey highlight video bearing his name, just on the off chance he ever decides that sounds like something he might want to do.

  • The CBC agrees to continue to only employ stylists who don't know that goatees went out of fashion in 1996.

  • Cherry will lead an annual seminar for all other former players and coaches in the broadcast industry entitled "A beginner's guide to having an actual opinion about something."

  • In addition to Hockey Night In Canada, Cherry will be contractually obligated to make guest appearances on other hit Canadian television shows, such as… um… geez… is Bumper Stumpers still on the air?

  • Cherry agrees to try to turn down the gangster rap that's always blaring from his dressing room by a few decibels, but he's not making any promises.

  • Coach's Corner will continue to have a fake opening that just leads to another commercial, which will fool you into prematurely shushing everyone in the room and then feeling like and idiot every single freaking time.

  • The contract will include a small raise for Cherry's support staff and administrative assistants, and a massive raise for the poor sap who has to do his closed captioning.

  • The CBC agrees to assist in international efforts to track down every existing copy of the 1993 novelty single "Rock'em Sock'em Techno", load them onto a rocket ship, and shoot it into the center of the sun.

  • Cherry will somehow continue to be allowed to be the only person on the planet to hold offensively out-dated and moronic views, such as expressing a preference for his own country.

  • In an effort to silence the chorus of critics who constantly demand that he be fired, each Cherry appearance will now be preceded by a brief reminder that he's just going to end up being replaced by Mike Milbury.

  • Cherry will be limited to no more than five sick days per year, although Bruin fans know that he'll probably get confused and accidentally use six.




26 comments:

  1. He can dangle, he can score; who else, Bobby Orr?

    LET'S GO
    LET'S GO

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  2. i'm just glad the CBC nixed the clause that allowed Cherry to invite Sarah Palin as his co-host once a month.

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  3. I can see why he'd want Ron to wear pants . I hate it when my coworkers don't wear theirs.

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  4. Man, you're spies are more active than the U.S. Government's spies. Good work.

    Oh, and any time HNIC is available on NHLNet in the U.S., I always quiet everyone down when the "fake" Coach's Corner segment comes on.

    Last thing, do your spies know if the sponsor of the segment will continue to use the slogan "Well Dressed?" I sense irony in that...

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  5. That's not a goatee, it's a van dyke.

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  6. Out of spite, I will never buy from Moores

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  7. Do people still watch him?!? I turn the channel anytime he opens his mouth.

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  8. Fake coach's corner - classic! Never understood why they do that - the poor old guy is always seeming to run out of time?!?!?!

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  9. @Louie
    Blue Blue What a pup
    Oh how she loves the Stanley Cup

    LETS GO!

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  10. "Coach's Corner will continue to have a fake opening that just leads to another commercial, which will fool you into prematurely shushing everyone in the room and then feeling like and idiot every single freaking time."

    Bang on.

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  11. JFJ Jr jokes NEVER get old!

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  12. Well done. I'm still a massive Cherry fan and I shush people whenever Coach's Corner comes on. Don is amazing

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  13. This was a funny post until the second last point. Mike Milbury being paid to do analysis is no joking matter. So, Cherry's segment is called "Coach's Corner". Would Milbury's be called "If the shoe fits..."?

    I hate Mike Milbury...

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  14. yeah, i always shush everyone too... and turn up the volume!

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  15. "Coach's Corner will continue to have a fake opening that just leads to another commercial, which will fool you into prematurely shushing everyone in the room and then feeling like and idiot every single freaking time."

    So true.

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  16. "Cherry will be limited to no more than five sick days per year, although Bruin fans know that he'll probably get confused and accidentally use six."

    ouch. even though it happened over thirty years ago and well before i was born, that still bites. touche DGB.

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  17. Ahhh, Bumper Stumpers. Good times.

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  18. What do you pay a veteran of the Crimean War, anyway?

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  19. ^ You pay him in dog treats to give to his dog Blue, who he still thinks is alive.

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  20. Leaf fan in HablandFebruary 23, 2011 at 9:12 AM

    Well done. I can tell from some of the jokes that, despite taking the piss here, you like Cherry. Me, too. Now, shush! He's on..oh, damn!

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  21. God Bless Donald S. Cherry and God Bless the Toronto Maple Leafs

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  22. http://www.downgoesbrown.com/2011/02/don-cherrys-hockey-night-in-canada.html?showComment=1298407494858#c7673099653584821105

    >> So, Cherry's segment is called "Coach's Corner". Would Milbury's be called "If the shoe fits..."?


    Sorry, DWB - that comment beats your article.

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  23. There is also a clause that guarantees Don Cherry will sit on a stool that is sixteen inches taller than Ron MacLean's stool.

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  24. Would it not behoove the NHL Network to allow one single 15-second Moores commercial to run, so that we American viewers might see the whole segment, rather than hurrying back from one of its minute-long ads? The show is called "Hockey Night in CANADA," y'know.

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  25. old cherry should eat his prunes put on his diaper &go back to the old folks home where he belonged long ago Anyone who enjoys that loud mouth ( Is not hard to entertain ?????

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