Maple Leaf fans increasingly disturbing.
Thanks to some spies at the post office, I've intercepted a few examples. Here's what's on the minds of some of your favourite hockey personalities as the holidays approach.
What's this I hear about my son Gregory being on your naughty list? Look, pal, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but if Gregory doesn't have a shiny new Xbox under the tree on Christmas morning then [name redacted to protect privacy] might just get his little red reindeer nose torn off.
Just a hockey dad venting,
P.S. Please run this letter through the shredder once you're done reading it. Long story.
Some of the Maple Leafs players were trying to tell me that you're not real. They said you were a work of fiction, nothing but a pleasant fairy tale for small children to believe in but not something that any respectable grownup should take seriously.
Is that true? Because if so, I'd like to invite you to the MLSE Christmas party. I think you'd get along great with all our constant talk about making the playoffs.
All the best,
You may have seen my recent comments to the media, in which I complained about my ice time and hinted that I'd like to be traded to a team where I could play on the first line. To help make that happen, my Christmas wish is for a list of NHL teams that haven't employed a pro scouting staff since 2006.
Do you allow your reindeer to take part-time jobs once Christmas is over? Because if so, we'd like to hire Rudolph to stand directly behind Roberto Luongo every time we play the Blackhawks.
I'm writing to apologize for my previous letter to you, where I thanked you for my $100 million contract and made reference to "our little agreement" that was signed in the summer and came due in October.
I'm sure that was really confusing for you, since you had no idea what I was referring to. My bad. I accidentally switched a couple of letters when I was addressing the letter.
For Christmas, please bring me an expensive high-definition big screen television. Please also leave the receipt, since I'll be immediately taking it back to the store to exchange it straight up for a broken VCR.
All my best,
Just wondering, but do you send out change of address card? Let's just say I'm pretty sure I won't still be living in this city next year.
P.S. Come to think if it, better send one for my brother too.
When you're done with it, any chance I could borrow your bright red velour coat with the big fur collar and cuffs? The bosses at Hockey Night in Canada are telling me I need to tone it down with the wardrobe, so I'm looking for outfits that will make me look a little bit less ridiculous.
This year please bring me one pair of dress socks, a ball of string, and one slice of plain whole wheat toast. I wouldn't want to open anything more exciting than that at the team Christmas party, since I might accidentally show some genuine emotion and then coach Snorey McPaint'n'Dry will send me back to the pressbox.
For Christmas this year, I'd like to ask for a [expletive deleted] toy train, a [expletive deleted] toboggan, and most important of all [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] peace on [expletive deleted] earth.
Bruce [expletive deleted] Boudreau
P.S. Time to grab your sack.