Tuesday, December 21, 2010

NHL letters to Santa

Santa began to find the letters from
Maple Leaf fans increasingly disturbing.
With Christmas just a few days away, children around the world have been busy writing their personal letters to Santa Claus. But in the hockey world, everyone is still a kid at heart. So during the occasional break from the rink, various grownups around the NHL have been working on their letters.

Thanks to some spies at the post office, I've intercepted a few examples. Here's what's on the minds of some of your favourite hockey personalities as the holidays approach.
***

Dear Santa,

What's this I hear about my son Gregory being on your naughty list? Look, pal, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but if Gregory doesn't have a shiny new Xbox under the tree on Christmas morning then [name redacted to protect privacy] might just get his little red reindeer nose torn off.

Just a hockey dad venting,
Colin Campbell

P.S. Please run this letter through the shredder once you're done reading it. Long story.
***

Dear Santa,

Some of the Maple Leafs players were trying to tell me that you're not real. They said you were a work of fiction, nothing but a pleasant fairy tale for small children to believe in but not something that any respectable grownup should take seriously.

Is that true? Because if so, I'd like to invite you to the MLSE Christmas party. I think you'd get along great with all our constant talk about making the playoffs.

All the best,
Ron Wilson
***

Dear Santa,

You may have seen my recent comments to the media, in which I complained about my ice time and hinted that I'd like to be traded to a team where I could play on the first line. To help make that happen, my Christmas wish is for a list of NHL teams that haven't employed a pro scouting staff since 2006.

Signed,
Alexei Kovalev
***

Dear Santa,

Do you allow your reindeer to take part-time jobs once Christmas is over? Because if so, we'd like to hire Rudolph to stand directly behind Roberto Luongo every time we play the Blackhawks.

Yours,
Mike Gillis
***

Dear Santa,

I'm writing to apologize for my previous letter to you, where I thanked you for my $100 million contract and made reference to "our little agreement" that was signed in the summer and came due in October.

I'm sure that was really confusing for you, since you had no idea what I was referring to. My bad. I accidentally switched a couple of letters when I was addressing the letter.

Cheers,
Ilya Kovalchuk
***

Dear Santa,

For Christmas, please bring me an expensive high-definition big screen television. Please also leave the receipt, since I'll be immediately taking it back to the store to exchange it straight up for a broken VCR.

All my best,
Mike Milbury
***

Dear Santa,

Just wondering, but do you send out change of address card? Let's just say I'm pretty sure I won't still be living in this city next year.

Yours,
Darryl Sutter

P.S. Come to think if it, better send one for my brother too.
***

Dear Santa,

When you're done with it, any chance I could borrow your bright red velour coat with the big fur collar and cuffs? The bosses at Hockey Night in Canada are telling me I need to tone it down with the wardrobe, so I'm looking for outfits that will make me look a little bit less ridiculous.

Signed,
Don Cherry
***

Dear Santa,

This year please bring me one pair of dress socks, a ball of string, and one slice of plain whole wheat toast. I wouldn't want to open anything more exciting than that at the team Christmas party, since I might accidentally show some genuine emotion and then coach Snorey McPaint'n'Dry will send me back to the pressbox.

Your pal,
P.K. Subban
***

Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year, I'd like to ask for a [expletive deleted] toy train, a [expletive deleted] toboggan, and most important of all [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] peace on [expletive deleted] earth.

Yours,
Bruce [expletive deleted] Boudreau

P.S. Time to grab your sack.




31 comments:

  1. This is easily one of my favorite posts. Pure gold.

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  2. Dear Santa:

    Really, we're good this year. We don't need anything else. Christmas for us comes near the end of June, just like last year.

    Regards,

    Peter Chiarelli

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  3. Ha.... [expletive deleted] Milbury!

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  4. Dear Santa Claus:

    I need to get my diet back on track if I am to re-kindle my hockey career. Please bring me a dozen cases each of pizza pockets, twinkies, cheese whiz, and canned frosting.

    Your friend,

    Kyle Wellwood

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  5. Dear Santa,

    Please help me make friends. People keep booing me and I cannot figure out what I did.

    Sincerely,
    Mattias Ritola

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  6. I love this. :)

    Merry Christmas, DGB. Don't forget to leave out cookies for Kyle Wellwood... er, Santa Claus.

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  7. Dear Santa,

    This year, please give us some maple syrup, blueberry syrup, whipped cream and other suitable pancake-type toppings. Don't bother with pancakes though. Or waffles. We'll have lots of waffles.

    Dion

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  8. Mike Pelyk's HairdoDecember 21, 2010 at 12:10 PM

    Beautiful and brilliant yet again.

    Snorey McPaint'n'Dry **snort-snort** is definitely a keeper.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear Santa,

    Just gimme more smokes. I neeed... I crave...

    Yours,

    Carey

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  10. Dear Santa,

    Do you allow your reindeer to take part-time jobs once Christmas is over? Because if so, we'd like to hire Rudolph to stand directly behind Roberto Luongo every time we play the Blackhawks.

    Yours,
    Mike Gillis


    LOL I'm not sure it needs to be Rudolph... God knows there's enough glowing red lights behind him as it is when the Hawks are in town. :)

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  11. Dear Mr. Campbell,

    I apologize for ''forgetting'' to shred your letter. I hope having it posted to the entire Internet does not cause too much inconvenience for you. I look forward to meeting your successor.

    Best of luck in your future endeavors,

    Santa

    **

    Dear Mr. Wilson,

    If you are truly looking for unbelievable tales, you might look into trading for Alex Kovalev and putting him on your top line.

    Sincerely,

    Santa

    **

    Dear Mr. Kovalev,

    I've written to Ron Wilson in Toronto, but you may also consider either New York team. Someone with the Rangers may remember you, so try the Islanders first. As an added bonus, nobody will see you dogging it on the top line.

    Signed,

    Santa

    **

    Dear Mr. Gillis,

    I regret to inform you that the NHL has reserved Rudolph's services in case any team is foolish enough to sign Vesa Toskala to a contract.

    My apologies,

    Santa

    **

    Dear Mr. Kovalchuk,

    Not to worry, this sort of thing happens so often, he and I have a working arrangement. You know the story where bad kids get coal in their stocking? Well, coal and brimstone are closely related, so use caution opening your stocking this year.

    In sympathy,

    Santa

    **

    Dear Mr. Milbury,

    Unfortunately, I have already finished double-checking my list. Let's just say that you'll be getting the matching shoe this year.

    Up yours,

    Santa

    **

    Dear Mr. Sutter,

    Fortunately, I have been watching the NHL season, and am way ahead of you. Your change of address cards with your new Edmonton mailing addresses will be on their way!

    My condolences,

    Santa

    **

    Dear Mr. Cherry,

    My business partner has notified me that you've yet to complete your end of your bargain, so I'm sorry to say I can not fulfill your request this year. Please try again, as he says, when his home freezes over. In the meantime, I will be leaving you and Ron McLean extra-strength sunglasses.

    Cordially,

    Santa

    **

    Dear Mr. Subban,

    I have enclosed the presents you requested. As for your current coach, just remember that it could be worse: next year you could be playing for Coach Sutter in Edmonton. Just in case, I have also included a whoopie cushion for the Canadiens press box in Gauthier's stocking. It'll be our little secret.

    Sincerely,

    Santa

    **

    Dear Mr. Boudreau,

    [expletive deleted] you.

    [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted],

    [expletive deleted] Santa

    ReplyDelete
  12. Awesome job. One of the best posts you've
    done. The Milbury letter is a real LOL.

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  13. Brilliant. The Luongo bit was mindblowing.

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  14. Dear Santa,

    AS times are tough in the Ellis household, I am reduced to asking for the bare necessities of survival for Christmas this year. Any little bit to keep the fridge stocked with Filet helps.

    Regards,

    D. Ellis

    PS: The Ferrari takes Premium.

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  15. dear santa...
    all i want for christmas if for jordan staal to be healthy & playing again for the pittsburgh penguins...

    ~ cheers..

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  16. Pretty sure I saw this on another site 2 weeks ago....

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  17. @ GB... i hear that mr wellwood is currently at present moonlighting as santa claus all this week at GUM in moscow.. russias most famous shopping centre, originally the official state department store. It sits alongside Red Square and houses all the top brand names, popular Western retailers and plenty of places to have coffee or lunch.. look for him in the food court, across from macdonalds... next to the cinnabon... hes the one with the special sauce dripping down the front of his fake beard.. and icing on his fat little fingers...

    ~ cheers....

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  18. DEAR SANTA

    I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO WISH FOR, BUT I JUST WANTED TO WRITE TO YOU BECAUSE EVERYONE THINKS PEOPLE SEEM TO APPRECIATE MY OPINION.

    IT'S A DOUBLE DION!
    -PIERRE MCGUIRE

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  19. Dear Santa,

    All I want for Christmas is for Pierre McGuire to stop stalking me. It's getting really creepy.

    Signed,

    Mike Richards

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  20. Dear Santa;

    All I want for Christmas is for Pierre McGuire to stop monitoring my rehab progress so closely...

    Signed

    Zach Parise

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  21. Dear Santa,

    Please bring some stability to our on ice issues as of late. Now that we're getting a new owner the on ice product started playing like crap again. Can't we have an owner AND a good team?

    Loyally (since I was drafted),
    Shane Doan

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  22. Dear NHL Players,

    All your letters to Santa actually went to me, and I do not care for your comments. As a result, not only will you all be getting lumps of coal in your stockings, but I will void your contracts in the next CBA, and I may even move a Canadian franchise or two to the sunny Southwest.

    Your ever-watchful commissioner,
    Gary Bettman

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  23. Especially love the Boudreau and Subban letter. I guess Burke is waiting for Santa to interview him

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  24. Glad the fans stepped up with the Kyle Wellwood letters. Imagine my disappointment when you passed up a perfectly good opportunity!

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  25. Dear Santa,

    I'd like a case of jam for Christmas. Preferably raspberry. I have a feeling I'll be needing it soon.

    Thanks,
    Lou Lamoriello

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  26. Dear Santa,

    Thank you very much for the new John Tavares last year. Could you possibly fit a new arena in your sack this year for me? Preferably in Kansas City.

    Yours truly,

    Charles Wang

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  27. Dear Santa,

    I'd like some friends. I just want to ply with the guys, but they don't like me. Can you get me some near broke friends who own an NHL team?

    sad and lonely in Kitchener,

    Jim Balsille

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  28. Liked the whole dang post, but I have to admit, the thing that made me laugh the hardest was the Santa image and its caption.

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  29. I was waiting on one from our favorite ex-Leaf's office staff member - JFJ

    Dear Santa

    I like balloons.

    Love,
    JFJ

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  30. Dear Santa,

    Listen, like you, I'm kind of old. And I know the Pens are tops in the league. But I promise to put down the bottle and stop looking like I'm drunk around the kids if you can just get me a contract come March. I only told Mario (he kinda looks like he could work for you) that I'm not actually retired. I want to come back.

    Aw, who am I kidding? Just get me a dang contract. And a 40 of malt liquor.

    Drunkenly yours,
    Bill Guerin

    ReplyDelete