Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Homecoming week: Dany Heatley vs. Lebron James

Eventually, the "point to a douchebag"
contest was declared a draw.
Thursday will mark a homecoming night in two sports, as a pair of former franchise players make their heavily anticipated returns to the cities they abandoned.

In Cleveland, Lebron James and his Miami Heat will visit the Cavaliers for the first time since the NBA star memorably announced that he would take his talents to South Beach. North of the border, meanwhile, Dany Heatley and the Sharks will make their first appearance in Ottawa since the sniper demanded a trade last summer.

While there's certainly some overlap between the two situations and it will tempting to lump them together, they're far from identical. Here's a primer on some of the similarities as well as the subtle differences between the highly anticipated returns of Lebron James and Dany Heatley.

Lebron James: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Cleveland's reputation as "mind-numbingly boring" and "soul-crushingly dull" and "completely and utterly devoid of anything even slightly resembling a pulse".
Dany Heatley: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Ottawa's reputation as "a great option for people who can't handle the excitement of Cleveland".

Lebron James: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Cleveland was forced to reconsider the massive "We Are All Witness" banner that had dominated the downtown skyline since 2005.
Dany Heatley: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Ottawa was forced to reconsider the "Stanley Cup Champion" banners Daniel Alfredsson has been pre-ordering prior to every season since 1999.

Lebron James: By moving to Miami to play second fiddle to Dwyane Wade, revealed himself to be an athlete so lacking in competitive fire that he'd be willing to passively ride another player's coattails to a championship.
Dany Heatley: By moving to San Jose to play second fiddle to Joe Thornton, revealed himself to be no such thing.

Lebron James: Diehard Cavalier fans are expected to boo him mercilessly as soon as he steps onto the court.
Dany Heatley: Diehard Senator fans are expected to boo him mercilessly as soon as he accidentally blocks their view of Spartacat's hot dog gun.

Lebron James: Explained his decision during an hour-long special broadcast on national television, outraging fans and media and doing significant damage to his well-crafted reputation.
Dany Heatley: Wisely avoided that scenario by never explaining his decision, to anyone, ever.

Lebron James: Has recently attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Nike.
Dany Heatley: Has recently attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Frankie's Used Car Emporium in Skokie, Illinois.

Lebron James: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as "How will this effect my endorsement opportunities?" and "How will the local tax laws impact my earnings?"
Dany Heatley: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as "This place isn't Edmonton, right?" and "No seriously, you're absolutely positive it's not Edmonton?"

Lebron James: Would famously make a handful of chalk disappear into thin air before every home game.
Dany Heatley: Would famously make $4 million of Eugene Melnyk's money disappear into thin air every Canada Day.

Lebron James: Was recently embroiled in further controversy after he appeared to lower his shoulder and initiate physical contact with his own coach.
Dany Heatley: Has never been accused of initiating physical contact with anybody.

Lebron James: Left as an unrestricted free agent, meaning his former team received absolutely nothing as compensation for his departure.
Dany Heatley: Was traded for Milan Michalek and Jonathan Cheechoo, meaning his former team received absolutely nothing as compensation for his departure.

Lebron James: Helped lead Cleveland to the franchise's first and only appearance in the finals in 2007.
Dany Heatley: Helped lead Ottawa to the franchise's first and only appearance in the finals in 2007, although if you're talking to a Senators fan it's easier to just pretend that you think accomplishments by a different team with the same name from 100 years ago still somehow count.

Lebron James: Along with Wade, made it a top priority to ensure that former Raptor power forward Chris Bosh would also sign a free agent deal in Miami.
Dany Heatley: Prefers to pick up his own coffee and dry-cleaning.




27 comments:

  1. Lebron Jame? :P

    Great post, though!

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  2. The Chris Bosh line was the best!

    Love the Skokie, IL reference...I'm from a nearby village (it's just north of Chicago if anybody's curious).

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  3. @DGB - Check it out, NHL.com stole your name:

    http://video.nhl.com/videocenter/console?catid=35&id=83898&navid=nhl-rr-topvids

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  4. Hey!! That was a little harsh!?! I thought we were roasting Heater here.

    Sincerely, Joe Thornton.

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  5. One of the best pieces of work you have done in a while. Great Job.

    I loved the Bosh line the best, although I laughed pretty hard at the initiating contact and spornship ones too. And the Ottawa fan's talking about their history of winning was funny because it's trye.

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  6. "Prefers to pick up his own coffee and dry-cleaning." Love it!

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  7. I sincerely doubt he even picks up his own coffee and dry-cleaning.

    When he first got to Ottawa, he rented a house from Jason York. Yorkie claims that Heatley always got his girlfriend to call if there were any issues...

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  8. Very nice. As usual.

    The pic caption is always as good as the post!

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  9. "Helped lead Ottawa to the franchise's first and only appearance in the finals in 2007, although if you're talking to a Senators fan it's easier to just pretend that you think accomplishments by a different team with the same name from 100 years ago still somehow count. "

    ha! This is what I've been saying about sens fans for years. such a silly bunch.

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  10. As a Sharks fan, I'm really looking forward to the game Thursday. Great stuff as usual, DGB.

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  11. As a hockey fan, great blog.. as a Sens fan, you're a dick!
    Nonetheless, was overall pretty funny.

    here's to the Sens and Leafs.. The Western Conference's Calgary and Edmonton

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  12. As a Heatley fan AND a Sharks fan, I still thought this was funny.

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  13. The caption and Bosh line are my favourites.

    As a Sens fan, I hate it when other fans count the 11 Stanley Cups that the original franchise won. Sure, it's a cool bit of history, but to tie it to the current franchise is stupid. It invites ridicule and turns a 19 year drought into an 83 year one. I mean clinging to 11, 12, or 13 Stanley Cups that were won 40 or more years ago when it was a completely different league with a fraction of the teams is just sad, and utterly pathetic...

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  14. As a Skokie, IL resident...I approve this reference

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  15. Remember when Heatley killed a man?

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  16. @ Louie

    ...lets not go there

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  17. One of your funniest blogs this year! Of course, I loved the Chris Bosh joke, but I thought the Daniel Alfredsson part was even funnier. Points for mentioning Spartacat, too. :P

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  18. I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, IL. The baritone was this guy named Kip Diskin, big fat guy, I mean like orca fat. He was so stressed in the morning.

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  19. was the Skokie line a reference to the SCTV bit with 'Dave and Edna's used care emporium'? (Dave Thomas and Angela Martin)

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  20. http://www.youtube.com/watchv=b8OUmwrp8LY&feature=player_embedded#!

    heatley song from the team 1200

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  21. I hate Heatley!!! 5/5

    Great comparison. This is my first time reading so I will definitely be back for more!

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  22. I argue with a Sens fan friend often about how those century old cups don't count. He refuses to admit that the NHL doesn't recognize them as the same team.

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  23. I don't really do basketball, but this was golden. Well done!

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  24. Your second last comment is a little weak. You should know, as a Leaf fan, that you guys love to say the Sens haven't won a championship and when it's brought up that you have the longest Cup drought you say it's not true since it's been 80 something years for Ottawa.

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  25. Not too bad considering he's a Leafs fan.

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