Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The NHL's secret plan to regain its popularity

Gary Bettman predicts the Phoenix
Coyotes' 2009-10 season ticket sales.
The NHL received some harsh news last week, with the release of a study that declared that interest in the NHL is dropping in Canada. Combined with the well-documented struggles of many American teams and a worsening economy, it would appear that the league is facing a potential crisis.

Luckily, NHL leadership is aware of the problem and has enacted several initiatives to face the issue. I've obtained a top secret NHL memo which outlines 15 strategies the league will be implementing to regain its popularity.
  • Kill off formerly popular "wacky neighbor" character played by Jeremy Roenick.

  • Reconsider plan to have entire 2009-10 marketing campaign managed by Dany Heatley's agents.

  • Effective immediately, Alexander Ovechkin plays for all 30 teams.

  • Make sure any league decision is in the best interest of the fans by constantly asking "What would the Toronto Blue Jays do in this situation?", then doing the exact opposite.

  • The next time NBC executives ask the league to play a crucial playoff game outside of prime time, Gary Bettman will look them straight in the eye and say "no" before immediately assuring them he was kidding, refilling their coffee cup, and scheduling the game for 3:00 a.m.

  • Encourage financial responsibility among star players by reminding them to insist on receiving their full change after cab rides.

  • Offer a boost to struggling franchises in Tampa Bay and Florida by having them play each other in this year's Winter Classic in Miami.

  • Encourage US fans to attend regular season games in person instead of watching them for free on TV by making sure the games are broadcast on a third-rate network nobody has ever heard of.

  • In the Western Conference, I don't know, maybe try letting somebody other than the Red Wings be good every now and then?

  • To better attract southern US fans, zambonis will now travel 190 mph, only turn left, and occasionally crash into the end boards and explode.

  • Have Gary Bettman give one of his "everything is going great" press conferences. Those always work.

  • Continue taking the advice of marketing consultants by changing uniform designs, swapping home/away colors, and encouraging teams to come up with new third jerseys every year. Because nothing builds fan loyalty like a fun game of "wait, which one of these teams am I supposed to be cheering for?"

  • Goaltenders must now twitter during shootout attempts.

  • In order to encourage success in the crucial New York market, pass a new rule forcing less-important teams to take on the Rangers' bad contracts via horrible trades (rule already enacted).

  • At all costs, avoid moving any teams into Canada's declining market, and instead keep them in places like Phoenix where hockey's popularity hasn't changed in 100 years.




23 comments:

  1. Haha, Great stuff as always.

    "Goaltenders must now twitter during shootout attempts."

    that would be hilarious.

    @Ovechkin - I know you're going stick side...

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  2. i agree, the nhl is done :( one thing they should do is go back to thier old divisions i think that would be a big change also fire bettman, hold him responsible for w.e. has happened to hockey and kick him out LOL. Also they should get some playoff games for radio only to bring back the excitement of the good ol days, im proud to say i listen to atleast 30 games a season on the radio just cuz its a whole other thrill imagining how its happening

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  3. I started losing interest in 2005 when I watched the first shootout attempt. The NHL has sold it's soul.

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  4. "To better attract southern US fans, zambonis will now travel 190 mph, only turn left, and occasionally crash into the end boards and explode."

    Actually, that would be kind of cool...

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  5. HAHAHAHA........Zamboni Races. That would be funny.

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  6. Well put, DGB, I couldn't agree with your backhanded commentary any more. We're especially on the same page regarding the NHL's jersey strategy; I've been banging that drum for a while now.

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  7. 'To better attract southern US fans, zambonis will now travel 190 mph, only turn left, and occasionally crash into the end boards and explode.'

    That one was the best...

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  8. Great post. Love the zamboni bit.

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  9. Gold as usual. As an American hockey fan, I couldn't agree more. Send all the southern teams back to the north (maybe leave the Stars in Dallas). I miss the old Quebec vs. Pittsburgh match-ups.

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  10. Exploding Zambonis sounds like a great porn movie.

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  11. And the main role would certainly be played by Enrico Ciccone.

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  12. Have Fernando Pisani jump over a shark in the playoffs ... if you can find a shark in the playoffs that is.

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  13. No shots at Mats Sundin. This is a good day.

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  14. hahah at the zamboni part. great once again DGB

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  15. We'll start the bidding on Wade Redden at your best center.

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  16. @ shaner

    It could only happen in the first round

    Hansmoleman

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  17. DGB, fill us in with the deets on your piece in the Maple Leafs Annual

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  18. ''In order to encourage success in the crucial New York market, pass a new rule forcing less-important teams to take on the Rangers' bad contracts via horrible trades (rule already enacted).''

    Somehow, living in Montreal, I have a feeling this one was directed at our team! :P

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  19. Too fuckin funny... I hate the Leafs, but love some of the fans. DGB - you're alright!!!

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  20. Good stuff on Puck Daddy, Downie. I congratulated Leahy for getting you to write for them instead of him ripping you off like usual, and he actually deleted my comment.

    You and Wysh wouldn't have done such a thing.

    Next week Leahy is going to tell everyone to sign Durno.

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  21. if only we knew how Louie, if only we knew how

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  22. "To better attract southern US fans, zambonis will now travel 190 mph, only turn left, and occasionally crash into the end boards and explode."


    FTW! If you're ever in proximity of Sommet, you're welcome to chicken and beer on me! (Still waiting for Burt Reynolds to completely whore himself out at a Thrashers game by revving a souped-up Zamboni around the area during intermission while the PA plays "East Bound and Down", because I know deep in the pit of my black, raisin-like heart that it's coming.)

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  23. PS. Typos r me this morning. a-r-e-n-a...a-r-e-n-a...a-r-e-n-a... Sorry 'bout that.

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