An optimist's guide to the non-playoff teams

"C'mon ref, you're taking forever. Step on it!
Oh... uh, sorry Taylor, poor choice of words."

The all-star break is typically seen as a good time to start look ahead to potential playoff scenarios. And while no team has officially clinched a spot, several are all but locked in and others are slowly but surely starting to cement their post-season invitations.

Of course, that also means there are 14 teams on the outside looking in - some more outside than others. And while it would be tempting to kick those teams while they're down, that's not our style around here. We prefer the power of positive thinking.

So instead let's focus on some good news for each of the 14 teams that found themselves outside of the playoff picture heading into Monday night's action.

Edmonton Oilers - Could end up picking first overall in this year's draft for the third straight year but there's absolutely zero chance of it happening again in 2013, according to the league's policy on rigging draft lotteries after cancelled seasons.

Minnesota Wild - Should keep believing in themselves because this is the NHL and anything can happen; for example, at one point this year the Minnesota Wild were in first place and they're completely terrible.

Buffalo Sabres - While it may seem wrong to react to a rough season by throwing long-time franchise player Ryan Miller under the bus, it's nice to know that at least you wouldn't have to worry about any teammates trying to fight the bus driver.

Toronto Maple Leafs - May finally be able to get a win against the Bruins this year, now that they know that Tim Thomas will refuse to show up if you just crowd enough left wingers around him.

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2011-12 Season Preview - Western Conference

The 2011-12 season preview continues today with the Western Conference. (You can find yesterday's Eastern Conference preview here.)

Pacific Division

San Jose Sharks: The team is expecting strong seasons from the various players who were recently called up from their farm team in Minnesota.

Anaheim Ducks: Of all the top lines in the Western Conference, experts agree that the Ducks' trio of Corey Perry, Ryan Getzlaf and Bobby Ryan is without question the best one to feature three different DNA sequences.

Phoenix Coyotes: Not sure if it's a bad sign, but Paul Bissionnette's most recent 140-character tweet included the full name of every one of the team's season ticket holders.

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A buyer's guide to the remaining NHL free agents

Hey Teemu, how many days does it
take you each offseason to decide if
you want to play another year?

As August winds down, it's beginning to feel like the entire NHL is on vacation. There's nothing to talk about, because nothing is happening.

That's good news if you're a hockey fan who could use a break before gearing up for the coming season. But it's terrible news if you're one of this year's unrestricted free agents who hasn't yet found a new home. With many rosters appearing to be locked in as training camp approaches, it could be difficult for even one-time star players to find work.

Here's a look at a few of the biggest names still available, and the cases for and against signing them.

Bryan McCabe
The good: In seven years since the lockout, has lead his teams to one more playoff game win than you have.
The bad: Is kind of hard to get in touch with these days, since his phone is constantly being bombarded with voicemails from Tomas Kaberle yelling "Dude, you were totally wrong, waiving a no-trade clause to leave Toronto is awesome!"
Where he'd fit: He can definitely still help a team on the powerplay, assuming the area they need help with is their "miss the net three times then fall down and give up a shorthanded breakaway" play.

Chris Campoli
The good: Is known as a puck-moving defenceman, which presumably makes him more valuable than a defenceman who insists on keeping the puck stationary at all times.
The bad: Has spent almost his entire career with the Islanders and Senators, so has never had any experience clearing a rebound.
Where he'd fit: Should be attractive to a potential President's Trophy winner, since he's proven he can single-handedly win a crucial playoff game for one.

Teemu Selanne
The good: Now that's he's older and more mature, no longer recklessly throws his glove in the air after a big goal and then shoots it down; now throws the glove and then writes it a stern but respectful letter.
The bad: Has clearly lost a step, occasionally looking a little winded while skating circles around some defenceman who's 20 years younger than him.
Where he'd fit: Winnipeg, according to people who are still hoping that the original Gun 'N Roses lineup will reunite.

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How to buy out a player: The NHL's handy form

Yashin always wore a turtle-neck. Or, as
hockey players call it, a Carcillo-neck.

It's the second week of August, which means there's not much news on the NHL transaction page these days. The blockbuster trades have already been made, free agency has slowed to a crawl, and most teams seem satisfied to wait out the rest of the offseason without making any significant moves.

But there is one exception: With arbitration hearings now wrapped up, some teams now have a second opportunity to buy out unwanted players. This year's buyout periods have already claimed players such as Chris Drury and Colin White. But while fans have become used to the annual news of offseason buyouts, few know the behind-the-scenes process for making them happen.

As it turns out, it's not all that complicated. All a general manager has to do is fill out a simple one-page form, and luckily my spies at the league office were able to provide me with a copy.

***

Dear NHL general manager,

Congratulations on your decision to buy out a player. This process provides an excellent opportunity to correct your past mistakes, or at the very least spread the cap hit out into future seasons when, let's be honest, it will be some other guy's problem.

Please complete the form below and submit it to the league office. Note that the buyout will not be official until the league has approved it, so please refrain from setting the content of the player's locker on fire until then.

Player's first name: _________________
Player's last name: _________________
Player's nickname that you call him publicly: _________________
Player's nicknames that you call him under your breath every time he touches the puck:
_________________
_________________
_________________ (use the back of the application form if you need more room)

The player's current annual cap hit: $ ____________

Wow…. Really?
( ) Sigh
( ) Next question please.

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Phil Kessel's all-star draft text messages

Looks like someone just figured out
how to slew-foot in Angry Birds.

The all-star weekend has come and gone for another year. The game was exciting, the skills competition was entertaining, and the various fanfest events drew solid crowds.

But of course, all anyone seems to want to talk about is Friday's draft. And much of that attention has been focused squarely on Phil Kessel, who had the unfortunate distinction of being the last player picked.

Kessel, to his credit, seemed to take the snub in the spirit of good fun. That was despite his admission that he spent much of the draft receiving a steady stream of text messages from his Maple Leafs teammates and others. Fans can probably imagine the sort of feedback he was subjected to as his evening dragged on.

Well, imagine no more. Thanks to my sources at the phone company, I've obtained a transcript all of Kessel's incoming text messages from draft night.

7:45 p.m.
Hey everyone… just a reminder that the draft starts at 8:00 sharp, and should wrap up around 9:15. Please be in your seat on stage a few minutes early. Uh, except Phil, who should feel free to just wander in an hour later if he wants to. We'll explain later. - Eric and Nicklas

8:15 p.m.
Hey Phil, I have your tie here all ready to go, hope I'm not too late. - Joe's Dry Cleaning

8:31 p.m.
Dude, switch seats with me? Jonathan Toews hasn't blinked in about 20 minutes, and I'm starting to fear for my life. - Corey Perry

8:37 p.m.
Man, you've been sitting there without moving for so long you're starting to remind me of me in every third period. - Colton Orr

8:45 p.m.
Watching the draft. I just wanted to let you know how impressed I am by all the poise you've shown tonight. Even in an event like this, you carry yourself like a winner at all times and I can not tell you how excited I am to have you be the franchise player that we build a championship roster around. - Brian Burke

8:46 p.m.
Oops. Sorry Phil, I meant to send that last text to Brad Richards. Could you walk over and show it to him? Not like you're doing anything right now. - Brian Burke

8:58 p.m.
Look Phil, it's nothing personal. It's just that we all know how effective you are in the games involving Zdeno Chara - Eric and Nicklas

9:07 p.m.
Phil, this is painful. A bunch of the TSN guys were talking and we feel terrible for you, and we'd like to take you out to breakfast tomorrow to get your mind off how bad your season is going. We know this great place that's famous for making the world's best waff… you know what, bad idea, forget we brought it up. - James Duthie

9:15 p.m.
So, um… draft schmaft? - Cliff Fletcher

9:18 p.m.
If it's any consolation, you're still my favourite player and always will be. - Peter Chiarelli

9:22 p.m.
Hey buddy, don't worry about it. All the negativity will come to a stop the second you record your first point during the actual game. - Dion Phaneuf

9:27 p.m.
I don't know who you are, but thanks for taking some of the heat off this weekend. - Stan Lee

9:30 p.m.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better I get picked last all the time too. And that's just in pickup road hockey games with the neighbourhood children. - Brett Lebda

9:37 p.m.
Could you share your thoughts about the experience of being the last one picked for a sports team? Ha ha, just kidding. Everyone single one of us already knows exactly what that feels like. - The media

9:45 p.m.
Sorry about making such a big deal of taking your photo when you were stuck there all by yourself. I just really wanted to capture the ending of a major hockey event in person, since when it's the playoffs or the Olympics I'm already sitting at home. - Alexander Ovechkin

9:52 p.m.
So we hear you had to just sit around for an entire draft, doing nothing, watching everyone else have all the fun. Welcome to our world. - The Maple Leafs scouting staff

Off-season winners and losers - 2010

Unlike Kyle Wellwood, the road was signed.

August is traditionally the dead zone on the NHL's calendar, and this year seems to be no different. While we're still weeks away from the start of training camps, it's fair to say the most of the off-season action is long gone.

That makes this a good time for some reflection. With the draft complete, several trades in the books and most of the major free agents signed, the league's teams have had plenty of opportunities to reshape their rosters. And as always, some did a better job than others.

Let's take a look back at some of the NHL's biggest winners and losers from this summer.

Winners

New York Rangers - Their annual "free agent signing which everyone agrees was the most outrageously over-priced mistake of the summer" ended up being a lot cheaper than usual this year.

Calgary Flames - Signed free agent Olli Jokinen, finally filling the "over-paid third line center" void created by the deadline day trading of Olli Jokinen.

Washington Capitals - Moved quickly to address the biggest reason for last year's crushing post-season disappointment by somehow convincing the Montreal Canadiens to trade Jaroslav Halak to the Western conference.

Atlanta Thrashers - Acquired several players from Chicago's Stanley Cup-winning roster, ensuring that for the first time in sports history a Google search for "Atlanta" and "Hawks" and "championship" will not yield zero results.

Buffalo Sabres - Didn't allow trivial distractions such as trades or free agency signings to sidetrack them from what was really important: Calling Ryan Miller every day to ask "Just checking, but you're still our starting goalie, right?"

Ottawa Senators - Announced the hiring of 51-year old Rick Wamsley as goaltending coach, immediately making him the best goalie in franchise history.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Acquired winger Ethan Moreau who, as a former Edmonton Oilers captain, will no doubt provide his new teammates with invaluable feedback on what not to do.

Detroit Red Wings - Boosted their offensive depth chart with the signing of free agent center Mike Modano, who is presumably the son of that guy who was really good for the Minnesota North Stars back in the early 90s.

Losers

New Jersey Devils - Foolishly based entire free agency strategy on the assumption that the specific terms of the CBA would be adhered to.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Their savvy acquisition of Brett Ledba to fill the role of seventh defenseman was offset somewhat by the fact that their first-line center on opening night will also be Brett Lebda.

Chicago Blackhawks - Were forced to part ways with nine regulars due to the salary cap, and now face the daunting task of somehow defending their championship with only Jonathan Toews, Duncan Keith, Patrick Kane, Marion Hossa, Patrick Sharp, Brent Seabrook and a half-dozen other stars.

Florida Panthers - Despite best efforts, have likely not done enough to satisfy the expectations of their die-hard fan.

Vancouver Canucks - Lost backup goaltender Andrew Raycroft to free agency but have yet to find a replacement equally skilled at stopping NHL shooters, such as a wet sheet of paper mache.

Los Angeles Kings - In hindsight, attempt to boost employee morale by giving entire front office staff the summer off may have been a mistake.

Boston Bruins - Short-sightedly drafted future franchise player Tyler Seguin with the top two pick acquired from Toronto, leaving virtually no room on roster for franchise players available with Toronto's top two pick in 2011.