Mailbag: Relegation, Toronto expansion and my ideal hockey broadcast

Thanks to the assorted lockouts, every couple of years I try to get into European football when there are no NHL games to watch. Mostly, it doesn’t really last but I am kind of fascinated by the concept of relegation and occasionally wonder what that would look like in hockey. For all of the crazy ideas that you have thrown out there over the years, as far as I am aware, you have never written about relegation and I’d love to get your take on how that might work (or not work!) in the NHL.

– Mitch J.

Any time I do anything about ideas I’d like to steal from other sports – and I do that often – somebody will bring up relegation. I’m not a soccer fan, so I don’t have a strong grasp on how it all works, but based on my limited understanding, I’m fascinated by the concept. Every year, a team or teams at the bottom of the standings get banished to the equivalent of the minor leagues, while other teams are elevated to take their place. It adds an entire new level of drama to the race to stay out of last place. In hockey, if your team is terrible you might get rewarded with a new superstar in the draft. In soccer, you might get kicked out of the league.

Would I want to see that in the NHL? Are you insane? Of course not, I’m a Maple Leafs fan. Asking a Leafs fan if they support relegation is like asking a snowman if they support saunas. I’m not even going to pretend that I don’t know with absolute certainty how that would end up.

What is your all-time NHL commentary crew? Let’s go with PxP, color, between the glass, studio host and two or three studio analysts.

– Tyler A.

Hoo boy. OK, let’s stipulate that this is all based on my personal experience as a fan – I’m not trying to do some sort of objective leaguewide survey here. That said, my team is obviously going to start with Bob Cole and Harry Neale in the booth. Cole’s voice is the soundtrack to my hockey story, and I’m not sure he ever paired as well with anyone as he did with Neale’s dry wit.

Between the glass, I’ll take current-day Ray Ferraro. My host will be James Duthie, although I’d be happy with Ron MacLean too. And my analysts would be any of Bob McKenzie, Elliotte Friedman or Chris Johnston as the insider, Kevin Weekes or Mike Johnson as the former player/Xs and Os guy, and Brian Burke as the crusty old guy with stories. Mix in Jim Ralph doing the occasional comedy bit and every broadcast starting with a Tim Thompson montage and I’m a happy viewer.

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Grab Bag: A request for a June draft, roster puzzle answers and a donut delay

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- The one thing the NHL better not to do for their June draft
- Answers and explanations to this week's puzzle challenge
- An obscure player who was the NHL's first X-rated player
- This month's comedy stars
- And a YouTube look back at Yellow Sunday's donut delay, with Bob Cole and Harry Neale

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Everything I needed to know in life I learned from watching Bob Cole call hockey games

The​ NHL regular season​ comes​ to​ an​ end​ on​ Saturday with​ a full slate of​ games highlighted by​ a marquee​ Canadian matchup between​​ the Maple Leafs and Canadiens. The game could decide the East’s final playoff spot, or it may not matter at all as far as the standings go. But either way, the broadcast will be must-see viewing for plenty of hockey fans across the country and beyond, because it’s going to be the last game of Bob Cole’s legendary play-by-play career.

We’ve known this night was coming for years, as Hockey Night in Canada gradually pared back Cole’s schedule. This season has turned into a farewell tour of sorts, with tributes and standing ovations in buildings around the league. Hockey fans have certainly had time to prepare for the moment. Just not enough.

For many of us, an NHL without Bob Cole is almost unimaginable. After a half-century in the booth, most of today’s fans have literally never known a hockey world in which Cole wasn’t calling games. Pick a hockey moment from your life that made you jump out of your seat, or stare in disbelief, or even want to put a fist through your TV screen, and chances are Cole was the voice that went along with it.

Like a lot of you, I grew up with Bob Cole. My kids have too. But rather than get weepy over a moment we all knew would arrive someday, I’d rather celebrate the 50 years that led us to this point. Because Cole hasn’t just entertained me over the years – he’s taught me a few things along the way. So here are 10 important life lessons I’ve learned from watching a legend.

Lesson No. 1: It’s OK to show some enthusiasm…

Let’s start with the best thing about listening to Bob Cole: He really, really seemed to like hockey.

That seems like a weird thing to say about somebody who makes their living televising a sport. But these days, even the best broadcasts are often brought down by a parade of dour voices who don’t seem to like anything or anyone involved. There are plenty of valid reason to criticize this league and its teams, and nobody tunes in to see a pep rally, but there’s only so many grumpy faces you can handle in one show, you know?

I think that’s a big part of what we loved about Bob Cole. He’d get loud, and sometimes very loud. But he never sounded like he was putting on an act, or forcing out some scripted line he’d rehearsed in front of the mirror. He just seemed like a guy who genuinely liked hockey, and when his volume went up it was because the moment deserved it.

Lesson No. 2: … but never fake it

The other side of the hockey TV coin are the guys who try a little too hard. They’re all fake passion and over-the-top enthusiasm, to the point where you’re wondering why they’re yelling at you when it’s only pregame warmup. And while I love Mike Lange and Rick Jeanneret as much as anyone else, if you’re not one of those two guys then you probably don’t need to try to do the whole clever catchphrase thing.

Cole never really had a catchphrase. I suppose you could make a case for something like “Oh baby” but that was more of a genuine exclamation of excitement than something manufactured. You never felt like Cole was sitting there in the booth with a note to remind himself to say it a few times a night because it was his trademark and he had to get it out there.

No, when you heard an “Oh baby” from Bob Cole you knew it was because he’d just seen something cool and wanted to make sure you knew about it.

Lesson No. 3: The world is changing

I can’t find a clip, but I know a few of you will back me up on this. Back in the late ’90s the NHL started experimenting with its All-Star game, and at one point it decided to go with an international-themed format that would see players from Canada and the U.S. facing a team made up of everyone else. They called it North America vs. The World.

The format wasn’t all that good and didn’t last long, but it left two lasting legacies. The first is a bunch of really weird All-Star picks like Petr Buzek and Marcus Ragnarsson. And the second, and far more important, is the time that Cole punctuated an otherwise ordinary line change by dramatically announcing that “THE WORLD IS CHANGING.” It might be my favorite random Cole moment ever. Yes, even better than the immortal “everything is happening” although it goes without saying that was also amazing.

The world was, indeed, changing, and has been ever since. And anytime anyone makes that observation, I can’t help but hear it in Bob Cole’s voice.

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Grab Bag: Introducing the Devan Dubnyk Rule, a word about shutout jinxes and a decade of Canucks

In the Friday Grab Bag:
- Devan Dubnyk did something crazy this week, and I think we should make a new rule about it
- A word about people who think you can jinx a shutout by talking about it
- An obscure player whose first two years with the Leafs rank with Auston Matthews and Wendel Clark
- The week's three comedy stars
- And a YouTube look back at an entire decade of Vancouver Canucks' history

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Great Obscure Moments in Leafs History - That time Pat Quinn screwed up the lineup card during a playoff game

In his defence, he did write "overrated waste of money"
so the officials should have known who he meant.

Great Obscure Moments in Leafs History - An ongoing series to honor the greatest, completely meaningless moments in Toronto Maple Leaf history.

Imagine that you're the coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs…

Wait! Stop crying. We're not done with the hypothetical yet.

Imagine that you're the coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and it's about ten years ago. See! Much better. It's before the salary cap, the team is good, and you're in the playoffs every year.

In fact, imagine you've got a big playoff game coming up this very night. In the final moments before the teams take the ice, what do you need to do?

As best I can figure it, as coach of the pre-lockout Maple Leafs you basically have five jobs:

• Remind everyone not to bother ever coming back past the red line and helping Curtis Joseph in any way
  
• Double-check the line combinations to make sure Mats Sundin isn't playing with anyone good
  
• Tape the emergency ketchup packets to Tie Domi's forehead (Ottawa Senator games only)
  
• Stop by Richard Peddie's office to meet the candidate he's interviewing for the GM's job and wonder how they both managed to get their ties stuck in the fax machine
  
• Make sure you've successfully completely the incredibly simple task of filling out the lineup card correctly
  

Could you handle all of that? If so, you're one up on Pat Quinn, coach of the Maple Leafs squad that faced the New York Islanders in the opening round of the 2002 playoffs.

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Maple Leafs Overtime Heroes: Todd Gill vs. the Blackhawks

Maple Leafs Overtime Heroes is an ongoing (kind of) series where we'll look back at memorable Leaf playoff overtime goals. Today's goal is Todd Gill's controversial winner against Chicago in game two of their 1994 playoff series.

Ref? Ref! This guy just dropped
Marty McSorley's eyeball in my lap!

The Maple Leafs opened the 1994 playoffs with a first round matchup against the Chicago Blackhawks. That series opened with a surprisingly lopsided 5-1 victory in game one that started with a Wendel Clark goal from the redline and ended with Robert Dirk squirting blood all over the ice thanks to Todd Gill.

Game two wouldn't be so easy. After being embarrassed in the first game, Ed Belfour shut the door in game two. But so did Felix Potvin, and a duel between two of the better goaltenders in the league saw the game still scoreless heading into overtime. Staring down wave after wave of snipers, Potvin and Belfour traded stunning stops, each one better than the last. Neither would blink. Neither would yield. Nobody, it began to seem, was going to find the net on this night.

Then a defensive defenceman scored on a sixty-foot, unscreened, five-hole slapshot.

Wait, what?

Well, I may have left out one little detail. Let's go to the replay.

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Great Obscure Moments in Leafs History - Gary Leeman vs. Denis Savard

Great Obscure Moments in Leafs History - An ongoing series to honor the greatest, completely meaningless moments in Toronto Maple Leaf history.

All human beings agree that Wendel Clark vs Marty McSorley is pretty much the greatest thing that has ever happened, anywhere, ever. OK, maybe you could make an argument for the invention of the concept of justice. You'd be wrong, but you could make the case.

But here's a thought experiment: what would be the exact opposite of Clark vs. McSorley? What hockey moment would be so awful, so cringe-worthy, so embarrassing, that it would have the potential to cancel out the greatness of Clark/McSorley if viewed side-by-side?

Older Leaf fans don't have to wonder, because they saw it on December 23, 1989. That was the night that the Leafs and Hawks squared off in one of the most memorable line brawls of a generation. And the main event, such as it was, featured a pair of franchise players: Gary Leeman and Denis Savard.

Let's identify the participants in this ten-man rumble. For the Leafs we have Leeman (#11), Tom Kurvers (#25), Brian Curran (#28), Johnny McIntyre (#44) and Dave Reid (#14). For the Hawks, it's Savard (#11), Cam Russell (#52), Dave Manson (#3), Dirk Graham (#33), and a guy wearing #14 who I think might be future Flames coach current Marlies coach Greg Gilbert.

As far as background, let's just say that the Leafs and Hawks were both in the Norris division, which means they hated each other and wanted to fight. The Hawks and Leafs had several memorable brawls over the years (like this one, and of course this one).

But this particular incident was different. What makes this among the most entertaining five minutes on all of Youtube? Let's walk through it in excruciatingly obsessive detail and find out!

Camouflage Coat Guy
Right off the bat, we get a classic Maple Leafs Garden moment: a fan blocking the camera. And not just any guy, but a guy who appears to have worn a camouflage coat to a hockey game. And also seems to be nine feet tall.

This forces the CBC to switch to the overhead camera view, which somehow always made whatever came next seem ten times more awesome.

Bob Cole
Right as things start to heat up, Bob Cole displays his excellent sense of timing by encouraging viewers to "listen to this!" and then going silent, just as the Hawks players start lobbing obscenities at Leeman.

And by the way, how is it possible that all the Hawks players are trash-talking Leeman and yet Al Iafrate's name never comes up?

The sucker punch
With Andy Van Hellemond yelling to "open the door up", Savard breaks away and lands a viscous sucker punch on Leeman, then scurries away like a rat. The only Leaf who sees it is under-rated tough guy Curran, who goes berserk. But he can't get at Savard, because he's being held back by...

Cam Russell
And since it's Cam Russell, and since it's the Leafs, Russell immediately winds up flat on his back. (Just like here and here and especially here.)

If there was a stat for most times getting destroyed by a Maple Leaf, Russell would be the Phil Mickelson to Jim Cummins' Tiger Woods.

Savard's "Hold Me Back" routine
I called Stu Grimson's performance against Wendel Clark "the all-time greatest 'hold me back while I pretend to want to fight' routine", but I think we may need a recount.

Savard pretends to desperately want to fight, right up until the linesmen call his bluff and simply skate away. We then get a full 75 seconds of Savard backing away from Leeman.

So how do you fill over a minute of dead air? With a big dose of...

Harry Neale
Neale is probably best known for his pre-prepared soundbites; if you like your color commentators to suddenly quote Edgar Allan Poe during an icing call, Harry is your guy. But here he shows that he's pretty good when going off-script too.

While Leeman and Savard stumble around, Neale starts firing off rapid one-liners like "This is the longest shadow-boxing match I've ever seen" and "If looks could kill they'd both be on their backs" and "They've been skating more on this shift than they have when the game was on".

But then he tops himself with this instant classic: "I've seen more hits when I take my kids to the petting zoo!"

What does that even mean? Who's getting hit when Harry Neale takes his kids to the petting zoo? Do his kids hit the animals? Does Harry hit his kids? What's he trying to tell us here?

Alain Chevrier
Chevrier is the Hawks goalie. And do you know what he does during this long line brawl, which features multiple sucker punches, mismatches and two-on-one situations? Nothing. Nothing! In fact, he does less than nothing. He never comes remotely close to getting involved.

I will never forgive him for that. Because do you know who was in net for the Leafs that night? Allan Bester. How great would it have been to see Allan Bester skate the length of the ice to join a brawl? Tell me that wouldn't have been an instant top-five highlight of the decade for Leaf fans.

And besides, if Felix Potvin could wipe the floor with Ron Hextall, I'm pretty sure Allan Bester could take Alain Chevrier.

"Durno"
In the middle of Leeman and Savard's dance of futility, the camera pans by a young hockey fan wearing a #8 Leafs jersey that reads "Durno". This begs two questions: how bad were the camera angles in Maple Leaf Gardens that a small child could block them, and what the heck is a "Durno"? Stay with me, I'm going somewhere with this.

Since nobody by that name ever played for the Leafs, I'm going to assume it's the kid's name. A few minutes of google research reveals a journeyman minor leaguer named Chris Durno, who at the age of 28 finally made his NHL debut this year by playing two games for the Avalanche. Chris Durno grew up in Scarborough, would have been nine years old when this game was played, and according to this interview he always wore #8 when he was growing up.

You know what? I'm going to go ahead and make the claim that that's future NHLer Chris Durno blocking the camera in the middle of this fight!

(Update: DGB commenter and Durno family friend "JDub" confirms that it is Chris Durno!)

And based on that, I'm establishing the Chris Durno Fan Club, and demanding that Brian Burke sign Chris Durno to play for the Marlies next year. Burke already knows Durno, having once acquired him when he was with the Ducks. And the Hockey News says Durno brings "plenty of physical toughness and intimidation". Just what we need in Toronto!

Who's with me? We want Durno! We want Durno!

No? Just me? OK, moving on...

Dave Manson
Manson had already been escorted off the ice earlier in the brawl, but he makes a dramatic return just in time to execute a sunset flip onto Leeman and Savard, wiping out linesman Ron Finn in the process.

That earned him the ultra-rare triple game misconduct on a single play: one for coming back onto the ice, one for abuse of officials, and one for being third man in. This inspired Paul Morris's infamous announcement of "Number three, Dave Manson, two minutes for instigating, five minutes for fighting, a game misconduct, a second game misconduct, a third game misconduct".

Paul Morris dones't care how many penalties you got, he's announcing them one at a time even if we all have to stay here all night.

Bob Cole again
"Uh oh. UH OH! Baby... this thing... has come apart... at the seams!"

I love Bob Cole.

Doug Carpenter
Carpenter doesn't actually do anything. I just like seeing him. Where does Carpenter rank on the list of great red-headed coaches in NHL history? I'm going to say behind Terry Crisp, but ahead of Dave Allison.

Wendel Clark almost coming off the bench
When Manson blindsides Leeman, Clark jumps off the bench before being grabbed by a teammate. If Clark had entered the fight, he would have been suspended for ten games, touched off a bench-clearing brawl, beaten Dave Manson to death with his bare hands, and then beaten Cam Russell to death with the corpse of Dave Manson.

But none of that happened, because Clark is grabbed from behind at the last moment by...

John Kordic
Think about that. John Kordic prevented a bench-clearing brawl.

Here's a rule of thumb: when you're relying on John Kordic to serve as a calming influence, you're dealing with a situation that is completely out of control. It may be time to call in the army. Or, failing that, hope that a jolly mythical character inexplicably makes an appearance.

Hey look, it's Santa Claus!
With the situation on the verge of complete implosion, the officials desperately try to usher the Blackhawks off the ice. What better time for Santa Claus to randomly make an appearance?

Seriously, what is happening here? When did David Lynch start directing NHL games? And why does "Santa" weigh about 140 pounds?

"I don't think Santa Claus has seen anything like this in a while," deadpans Cole. No, Bob, I suppose he hasn't.

The epilogue
Dave Manson was suspended for 13 games. More impressively, Savard managed to pick up two fighting majors on the same play even though he never fought anybody. As a side note, these were the first two fighting majors of Savard's career. He would later add two more, against Craig Janney and Dale Hawerchuk. Apparently, Denis Savard really hates marginally over-rated wimpy guys.

There were a total of eight fights in this game, including John Kordic delivering some payback by absolutely destroying Cam Russell in the second period. A young Damien Cox was so traumatized that all his hair fell out.

Leeman went on to score 50 goals this season, was traded for Doug Gilmour, and was never heard from again. Manson actually played for the Leafs for one year in 2000, although sadly he never tried to hurdle another linesman.

Chris Durno signed with the Leafs in the 2009 off-season, made the team out of training camp, scored the Stanley Cup winning goal during the Leafs' shocking playoff run, and dedicated the championship to this blog.