for "things not involved in the 2015 postseason".
The NHL made some rare August news today, announcing a partnership with Major League Baseball that will see the latter’s MLBAM media division take over the NHL’s web, mobile and streaming services. It’s a big deal, one reportedly valued at around $1.2 billion, and as you would expect with an agreement of that size, it contains lots of fine print.
Luckily, DGB spies were able to get their hands on the deal, and reported back with some of the key details in today’s agreement between the two sports giants.
- NHL.com will get to give “earned run average”, “strikeouts” and “home runs” confusing new names and then claim they just invented them this year.
- Both sides agree to indefinitely continue playing that hilarious “Act like you’re actually going to bring a beloved former franchise back to the province of Quebec” joke.
- The NHL grudgingly agrees that MLB can continue to call 40 fat dudes in flip flops half-heartedly hugging each other a “brawl”.
- MLB officials clarify that the league’s new rules about having to remain in contact with the box at all times will continue to apply to baseball players only, so calm down, Jamie Benn.
- The two leagues agree to equally split the cost of the small army of snipers surrounding the announcement location to make sure Donald Fehr doesn’t show up.
- MLB’s general managers agree to give a detailed presentation to their NHL counterparts entitled “Making an exciting midseason blockbuster trade: A thing that it really is possible to get off your butt and actually do.”
- Not naming any names, but a certain player from Pittsburgh sure has a lot of questions about those delicious ballpark franks.
- MLB will work closely with the NHL’s existing web properties to revolutionize the way in which they make sure to never post any useful salary information ever.
- Gary Bettman keeps sarcastically asking representatives from the Mariners if they’re sure they don’t need another six months to think the whole thing over.
- The two sides agree that whoever keeps saying “You know what website visitors love? Auto-playing videos!” will be fed directly into a wood chipper, we all hope.
- The NHL will continue to get custody of Tom Glavine every second weekend.
- The whole thing is interrupted by Steve Yzerman asking “Wait, you’re allowed to sign contracts during the summer?”, then awkwardly looking down at those 9,000 text messages from Steven Stamkos.
- The NHL will give serious consideration to drastically improving its all-star game by importing an innovative idea from MLB: never playing one during hockey season.
- Both sides agree to formally stipulate that the whole “Youppi just randomly starts showing up at Habs’ games” thing was really weird.
- At NHL’s insistence, MLB agrees to revisit its ridiculous and unworkable “Fans in Toronto get to be happy for a few days once every 22 goddamn years” policy.
- The entire announcement will be broadcast on GameCenter Live, giving hockey fans around the world a chance to figure out what everyone on their twitter feed was talking about when it actually happened ten minutes ago.