Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The top secret agenda for Team Canada's Olympic orientation camp

The big news in the hockey world this week was Team Canada's official orientation camp, which is being held in Calgary. The event marked the first opportunity for the country's Olympic hopefuls to gather, and gave coach Mike Babcock and GM Steve Yzerman their first chance to begin the evaluation process.

But there was a snag – due to insurance issues, the players couldn't actually suit up and take to the ice. Which led many fans to wonder: What exactly are they doing out there?

Luckily, my spies were there, and they were able to snag a copy of one day's official agenda.


2013-14 Team Canada Olympic summer orientation camp
Official schedule of events
9:00 Keynote address
An invitation to the Canadian Olympic camp is among the greatest honors a player can earn and you should all feel incredibly proud to have received one.
(Speech delivered via Skype by a sobbing Jason Spezza.)
10:00 Introductory session by Mike Babcock
Topic: So you're probably wondering what the point of all this is.
10:01 Awkward silence; muffled coughing; chin scratching.
10:45 Team-building activity
Everyone puts their name in a hat for a random drawing, then pretends those are the initial line combos just to screw with the 400 reporters gathered outside.
11:30 Group discussion
What's the deal with everyone in Calgary constantly staring at us like they haven't seen a half-decent hockey player in years?
12:00 Lunch
Bergeron pays.
1:00 Special discussion topic breakout sessions (by position)
Forwards Defensemen Goaltenders
Um, why are we all centers? Man, it is going to be so awesome to see the look on the other teams' faces when we pry open the metal crate and Pronger jumps out. Oh, crap.
Stop yelling "Iggy!", Sidney, he's not here. Everyone glare at PK Subban for no reason. No really, is this honestly the best we have?
Aww, who invited Chris Kunitz? The really important thing is that we all go out there and play a complete 60-minute game. How is that even possible?
Golf with Claude Giroux (canceled) Everyone patiently explains to a confused Dion Phaneuf what a complete 60-minute game is. Oh crap, you guys. Crap.
2:00 Film session
Preparing for Russia: A detailed breakdown of each and every one of the mistakes we made the last time we played them in the Olympics
2:02 Team-building activity
Contest to see who can design the worst possible Team USA uniform. Winning entry will even be submitted to USA Hockey as a joke, although obviously they'd never really use it.
3:00 Question and answer session
Yes, for the tenth time, we're absolutely 100% positive that Cory Schneider is not Canadian so put your hand down and let somebody else have a turn, Roberto.
4:00 Special seminar for coaches and management
Hey, uh, guys… let's not overthink this, OK?
(Presented by Rob Zamuner)
4:30 Closing statement by Steve Yzerman
Let's go out there and play hard, have some fun, and remember, we have nothing to lose unless we don't win Gold in which case we will never be allowed back into the country ever again.
(Problems viewing the HTML table? Click here to download it as an image.)




32 comments:

  1. It's not quite THAT bad for goaltenders... as long as Crawford doesn't choke or get hurt...

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    Replies
    1. Crawford is Osgood 2.0, a product of the team he plays for. Nothing more than an "average at best" goalie who happens to play for the elite team of the NHL.

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    2. Soooo... he should be perfectly acclimated to the task of backstopping Team Canada?

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  2. I'm just going to pretend that everyone forgets about Craig Anderson. Position is his to lose.

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    Replies
    1. I imagine Jonathan Quick might have something to say about that. Odd comment to make on a post about the Canadian national camp, though.

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    2. I'm just going to pretend that everyone forgets about Craig Anderson's nationality.

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    3. Craig Anderson (born May 21, 1981) is an American professional ice hockey goaltender who currently plays for the Ottawa Senators of the National Hockey League (NHL). He has previously played for the Colorado Avalanche, Florida Panthers and Chicago Blackhawks of the NHL. He has also represented the United States internationally.

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    4. Do Canadians realize that dirty stinking Americans are crossing the border and STEALING THEIR GOALTENDING JOBS?

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    5. Wide Right, No Goal, Forward Pass, No Goal 2. Welcome to Buffalo!August 29, 2013 at 5:12 PM

      In that case Ryan Miller needs to jump the border and play for Canada. I'd love to see him get a well deserved gold and most importantly play for a good team!

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  3. Stop Yelling IGGY....,,priceless

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  4. Your sidebar seems to cut off the end of a lot of your posts.

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  5. somebody's letting a small child map out the page for him

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  6. Please make the actual post a frame so it can be viewed on mobile. It is cut off

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    Replies
    1. Seconded - the right column is cut in half on my Android using Firefox.

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    2. Thanks guys. I've added a link to download the table as an image.

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  7. You forgot about the session where everyone tries to make Toews smile.

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  8. He did smile:

    http://31.media.tumblr.com/3de52d11a8ffa67ff0e9235ec41c4615/tumblr_ms5rkrbCMc1s0rjebo3_250.jpg

    He even might be laughing a little! http://www.sportsnet.ca/hockey/nhl/team-canada-prepares-by-playing-ball-hockey/

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  9. Win silver and we ditch these guys in Siberia.

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  10. "Analyze all the mistakes we made against Russia"
    (session is two minutes long)

    Gold. Loved that. Question, though- if the session was two minutes long it must mean the team made one mistake- what was it?

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    Replies
    1. "Question, though- if the session was two minutes long it must mean the team made one mistake- what was it?"

      Only managed to put six by Nabokov the way he was playing.

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    2. Did they pull him after the 6th? Cause I remember the score being 7-2.

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    3. Definitely the best one there.

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  11. No comments about the mistakes in the preliminary rounds? Also, invite Cam Ward to camp. Please!

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  12. Golf with Giroux almost made me choke on my breakfast. Thanks!

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  13. Presented by Rob Zamuner... gold, Jerry, gold! (Mostly because I wish it was true, they really need that session.)

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  14. Ok is lunch being paid by bergeron something random or am I missing something here

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    Replies
    1. Nicest guy in hockey image?

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    2. Probably has something to do with the 8-year, $52M contract extension he just signed this summer

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  15. Phaneuf rhymes with enough. That was spot on the money.

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  16. Luoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

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  17. I was trying to find a blog like this. Now i got it. It is so interesting. I loved your post.Thanks for sharing it..CALGARY TEAM BUILDER

    ReplyDelete