The big news in the hockey world this week was Team Canada's official orientation camp, which is being held in Calgary. The event marked the first opportunity for the country's Olympic hopefuls to gather, and gave coach Mike Babcock and GM Steve Yzerman their first chance to begin the evaluation process.
But there was a snag – due to insurance issues, the players couldn't actually suit up and take to the ice. Which led many fans to wonder: What exactly are they doing out there?
Luckily, my spies were there, and they were able to snag a copy of one day's official agenda.
|2013-14 Team Canada Olympic summer orientation camp |
Official schedule of events
|9:00||Keynote address |
An invitation to the Canadian Olympic camp is among the greatest honors a player can earn and you should all feel incredibly proud to have received one.
(Speech delivered via Skype by a sobbing Jason Spezza.)
|10:00||Introductory session by Mike Babcock |
Topic: So you're probably wondering what the point of all this is.
|10:01||Awkward silence; muffled coughing; chin scratching.|
|10:45||Team-building activity |
Everyone puts their name in a hat for a random drawing, then pretends those are the initial line combos just to screw with the 400 reporters gathered outside.
|11:30||Group discussion |
What's the deal with everyone in Calgary constantly staring at us like they haven't seen a half-decent hockey player in years?
|1:00||Special discussion topic breakout sessions (by position)|
|Um, why are we all centers?||Man, it is going to be so awesome to see the look on the other teams' faces when we pry open the metal crate and Pronger jumps out.||Oh, crap.|
|Stop yelling "Iggy!", Sidney, he's not here.||Everyone glare at PK Subban for no reason.||No really, is this honestly the best we have?|
|Aww, who invited Chris Kunitz?||The really important thing is that we all go out there and play a complete 60-minute game.||How is that even possible?|
|Everyone patiently explains to a confused Dion Phaneuf what a complete 60-minute game is.||Oh crap, you guys. Crap.|
|2:00||Film session |
Preparing for Russia: A detailed breakdown of each and every one of the mistakes we made the last time we played them in the Olympics
|2:02||Team-building activity |
Contest to see who can design the worst possible Team USA uniform. Winning entry will even be submitted to USA Hockey as a joke, although obviously they'd never really use it.
|3:00||Question and answer session |
Yes, for the tenth time, we're absolutely 100% positive that Cory Schneider is not Canadian so put your hand down and let somebody else have a turn, Roberto.
|4:00||Special seminar for coaches and management |
Hey, uh, guys… let's not overthink this, OK?
(Presented by Rob Zamuner)
|4:30||Closing statement by Steve Yzerman |
Let's go out there and play hard, have some fun, and remember, we have nothing to lose unless we don't win Gold in which case we will never be allowed back into the country ever again.