Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Beyond the DMV: Other ways NHL stars get preferential treatment


They told him he couldn't smile for his license photo,
so he thought about Marc-Andre Fleury in the playoffs

.

It's August and there's not much happening in the NHL, which means it's time for the hockey world to find something completely harmless and blow it up into a manufactured controversy. Luckily, Sidney Crosby was kind enough to get the ball rolling for us.

In what's become a major story in Pittsburgh, Crosby was apparently allowed to skip to the front of the line at a local DMV over the weekend. This has led to accusations of preferential treatment and has some fans painting Crosby as a diva who can't be bothered to follow the same rules as everyone else.

It's all nonsense, of course. Expecting a celebrity to sit and wait for an hour while getting mobbed by fans would be silly. And besides, it's not like Crosby is the only NHL player who occasionally gets to experience the benefits of fame.

In fact, sources tell me that some of the biggest names in the hockey world often get special treatment:

Roberto Luongo - The managers at the moving supplies store never call security on him even though he goes in once a day to randomly yell "No I don't need any packing tape or boxes today thanks!" and then runs out of the room crying.

Dustin Byfuglien - Managers at the local grocery store have confirmed that they would let him cut in front of the other customers in the checkout line, in theory, if he ever left any food behind for anyone else to buy.

Alexander Ovechkin - Cops are always letting him off the hook for making illegal turns, since it's not like anyone could reasonably be expected to remember the difference between left and right.

Matt Cooke - Wild fans are so happy to have him join the team that they insisted he go right to the front of this line for these skydiving lessons before he even had a chance to get his parachute on and wait everyone stop pushing what are you doing…

Dave Bolland - Can apparently just spend an entire day parading around downtown Toronto without anybody hassling him about carrying around a giant weird trophy that no living person in the city has ever seen before.

Jay Feaster - No matter how many other people are patiently waiting on hold, every NHL GM has ordered their secretaries to always put his calls through the second they come in.

Ed Jovanovski - Despite his loud insistence that he and his Panthers teammates be treated just like everyone else in town, the citizens of Miami still give him special treatment by occasionally pretending that any of them have the slightest idea who he is.

Tyler Seguin - The appliance repairmen is always extra courteous during his weekly visits to explain that ideally you would not poop inside of your washing machine, Tyler, we've been over this.

Evgeni Malkin - Probably didn't have to pay a cent for that brand new #71 Dallas Stars jersey his dad is awkwardly wearing everywhere he goes.

Henrik Lundqvist - Is always waved right to the front of the line whenever they're handing out free products or fashion sense or talent or beautiful dreamy eyes and I forgot what we were talking about.

Eugene Melnyk - Always gets to walk right through airport security without being asked to empty his pockets of loose change, since these days everyone just assumes he doesn't have any.

Mikhail Grabovski - The phone company always sends its first available technician to reassure him that yes, his phone is working perfectly even though it hasn't actually rung in five weeks.




20 comments:

  1. I take it a Patrick Kane/cab driver joke would have been too easy here?

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    1. You say that as if it being too easy would disqualify it from being used here.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Whoa, what's bad enough to get DGB to delete a comment?

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    2. Not me... he deleted his own comment. Not sure why, it wasn't even anything unusual.

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    3. I know he's retired, but I was kind of hoping or a Sean Avery quip somewhere in there, too.

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    4. It was a pair of typos that did it - I was coming back to rewrite the comment again but I phoned it in and forgot about this until now.

      I was just remarking how much easier it got to dislike Matt Cooke now that he plays in the same division as my Avs. Nothing more. lol

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  3. Melnyk may not have any loose change, but he does have some loose screws.

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  4. Personally, I think it's unfair that they've got pictures and statues of Daniel Alfredsson all over every McDonalds.

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  5. Wide Right, No goal, Forward Pass, No Goal 2; Welcome to Buffalo!August 14, 2013 at 9:51 PM

    Well, at least you were nice enough to say that the Sabres gave preferential treatment to other NHL stars trying to run Ryan Miller.
    Hmmm, why am I starting to turn green. Jeez my shirt is tight. Grrrr....Hulk Smash!!!

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  6. I will never get tired of "Tyler Seguin is a horrible slob" jokes.

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    1. Wide right, No Goal, Forward Pass, No Goal 2. Welcome to Buffalo!August 15, 2013 at 1:15 PM

      Those Lundquist and Luongo jokes never will get old either!!!

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  7. Some editor's wife of the paper that ran the story got her panties in a bunch because she was waiting at the DMV when Crosby got sent to the front of the line. He didn't get so much as preferred treatment as was made to by a policy by the DMV for people of celebrity status so that it wouldn't get congested with fans and thus make everyone's wait longer. This story is still going strong, which is rediculous.

    What also is still going strong is the awesomeness that is DGB. These were hilarious, as always.

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  8. Don't forget, every NHL Player gets given preferential treatment by a Flyers goalie when trying to score a goal. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week...

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    1. Ilya Bryzgalov's received preferential treatment in Philadelphia. Here's your free ticket to anywhere you want to go, and a boat-load of spending cash, so go on. Go on. Go. WE SAID GO!!!

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  9. Thanks for the Matt Cooke joke,

    I am not happy about him signing in Minnesota at all.

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    1. I can't believe someone else signed him, not that he's a bad player just all the bs that's seems to follow him. Last year he was better hopefully he's actually smarten up.

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  10. Awesome well played. Couldn't fit in any Goodyear or rubber jokes on bobby Lou?

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