Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Other hidden NHL injuries revealed


Marchand and Ference star in a scene from the
summer's hilarious new comedy, Weekend At Bergie's.

The NHL playoffs have ended, which means everyone can start coming clean about all the injuries they've been hiding. After months of "upper body" this and "lower body" that, fans finally get to learn the real truth behind the injuries that were hampering certain players.

One player making headlines because of an injury revelation is Patrice Bergeron of the Boston Bruins. We already knew that he was playing through a separated shoulder, damaged cartilage and a broken rib during the Stanley Cup Final. On Wednesday we learned that he'd also been admitted to a local hospital with a small hole in his lung.

While Bergeron is an extreme case, he's far from the only one in the hockey world who's been hiding a health problem. Here are some of the other NHL players and personalities who've recently revealed the injuries they've been suffering from:

Jarome Iginla - Probably has a badly injured foot, neighbors say, since he's constantly speeding down the street in his Delorean then jumping out and kicking the fender while yelling "Take me back to the trade deadline, damn you!"

Roberto Luongo - Has been suffering from a severe blister on the finger he uses to hit refresh on his Google search for "Did I get bought out yet"?

Greg Sherman - Admits to dealing with some frost bite during the last month spent scouting rec players at outdoor games in Iceland, but hey, if this trip wasn't super important then Joe Sakic and Patrick Roy wouldn't have sent the general manager to handle it, right?

Sidney Crosby - Must have had some sort of relapse and had to have his jaw rewired shut, based on how he clenches his teeth and just stares at you silently when you ask him if he thinks the Penguins can win another Cup with Marc-Andre Fleury in net.

James Reimer - Is currently listed as day-to-day with an upper body injury that's thought to be in the small of his back, since that's where the knife handle is sticking out.

Ryan Getzlaf - Suffered minor bruising after watching Lebron James in the NBA finals caused him to repeatedly slap his forehead while yelling "A headband, why didn't I think of that?"

Alain Vigneault - The New York media has speculated that he may be suffering from some sort of rare vocal cord problem that forces him to respond to questions like an actual human being.

Gregory Campbell - Must have suffered some weird complication with his broken leg that forced his doctors to use a contract extension as his cast, says Tuukka Rask before trailing off and realizing that the doctor looked like Jeremy Jacobs and seemed strangely eager for him sign it.

Ilya Bryzgalov - His season may have been hampered by an undisclosed injury since he seemed to be favoring his left leg slightly, according to experts analyzing the body-shaped hole in the wall he left behind while sprinting the hell out of Philadelphia.

Jaromir Jagr - Never seemed like the same player he used to be, thanks to some mysterious medical condition that made him slow and more injury prone and his hair turn all grey.

Rick DiPietro - Was recently told by his doctor that he is "healthy", which is a word he's never heard before but he's just going to go ahead and assume it's really bad.

The entire Boston Bruins medical staff - In a weird coincidence, apparently all had a bad flu and had to stay home sick the day they taught the "People with holes in their lungs probably shouldn't be allowed to play hockey" lesson in medical school.




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9 comments:

  1. Ah DGB. I've missed posts like this. The ones you've been writing for other people just don't read like DGB posts. They're all .. factual and shit.

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  2. so very true with Reimer, finally a goalie survives in the media hell hole that is Toronto, only to hear he's been put on the bench for an unproven backup for whom the Maple Leafs pay top dollar. But maybe they'll split the starting postion, I've heard that it worked out great for Vancouver.

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  3. well it sure turned out great for chicago, didn't it?
    really don't know what all the fuss is about. in my books, bernier is an upgrade over scrivens.
    the only sad thing is that the pratchett reference is gone ... but hopefully they'll resign #42.

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  4. The last one could have killed?

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  5. One of the best photo captions you've ever come up with.

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  6. The Other, Better-Looking, AnonymousJuly 1, 2013 at 11:27 PM

    I hope they can cure that, cuz I have it too. :(

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  7. "Sidney Crosby - Must have had some sort of relapse and had to have his jaw rewired shut, based on how he clenches his teeth and just stares at you silently when you ask him if he thinks the Penguins can win another Cup with Marc-Andre Fleury in net."

    The Germans have a word for the feeling I expreience whenever someone makes a dig on a Pengiuns player--or on the organization in general.

    I think they call it "Sch├Ądenfreude". Loosely translated, it means "delight in the misery of others"...

    Comedy Gold as always, DGB

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