Thursday, January 10, 2013

Gary Bettman, Donald Fehr and the NHL Lockout's Guilty Conscience

Hey, did you hear that the NHL lockout ended? It totally did! In fact, after four months of hearing about how far apart the two teams were, on Saturday night the deal actually came together kind of quickly.

Almost… too quickly.

Call me crazy, but doesn’t it seem like something must have been going on in the background during all of this that lead to the sudden ending. In fact, I can almost picture it now…

Follow @blogesalming or Dave Nonis will take your job.

Full lyrics after the jump.


Narrator: Meet a locked out NHL player. He's always supported the union, but he knows his career is short. And after three months of missing paychecks he's starting to wonder if the players shouldn't just take whatever offer they can and get back to work. Suddenly, his conscience comes into play.

[Donald Fehr]
Alright, stop! (Huh?) Now before you get back on the ice
You're going to want to think twice and take my advice
Just trust me that I know what I'm doing.
(Who are you?)
I'm the director of the player's union.

[Gary Bettman]
Screw him.
You're throwing millions away. Get back to work and get paid.
Do you like sitting at home with your kids being their maid?
Getting nagged by your wife every day until the games are played?
You should with the boys on a road trip trying to get laid.

[Fehr]
Yeah but if we cave in now we lose the battle
And Jimmy Devellano will round us up like cattle
I know it seems outrageous and you're probably losing patience.
But think about the paychecks of future generations.

[Bettman]
Oh now you're supposed to worry about some kid who's going to take your job?
While you sit at home on your computer like a fat slob?
Facebooking Paul Stastny or retweeting BizNasty
Or instagramming pictures of Byfuglien's angioplasty?

[Fehr]
Man, don't do it, we're all in this to win it. (You're right!)
Don't be a nitwit (Yeah!) Or Roman Hamrlik (A who?)
Don't listen to Bettman, he's worse than my brother's sweaters.

[Bettman]
You know what Don? We all liked Paul Kelly better,

Narrator: Meet the owner of an NHL franchise. While he understands that the league is a business, he can't help but wonder if the relatively minor issues behind this lockout are really worth the risk of cancelling yet another season. Once again, his conscience comes into play.

[Bettman]
Now listen up bro, we'll keep the contract lengths low
Crank up the escrow, and back out on our offer for make whole
We're going to crush this players union, and this time it's for real.

[Fehr]
But you just spent the summer signing multi-year deals
You shouldn't try to go back on a contract, it's not fair

[Bettman]
Oh, I'm sorry, do we look like we care?
Alright look, maybe we cooked the books
But think about the money before you go running to Larry Brooks

[Fehr]
You try to walk around like some sort of business genius
But you let him shut you down for some bankrupt dude in Phoenix?
I can't believe you guys could possibly be so dumb.

[Bettman]
OK now I'm angry, somebody get my podium.


Narrator: Meet a typical diehard hockey fan. He owns all the merchandise, watches every game he can, and his family's season tickets have been handed down from generation to generation. But now, for the first time in his entire life, he's starting to wonder if being a fan of this league is really worth it.

[Bettman]
Alright calm down, relax, keep buying...

[Fehr]
Are you kidding, he just shut down the league for a third time.
While you're sitting at home he's cutting another season short?
Forget your seasons tickets, why do you even watch this sport?

[Bettman]
But what if we offered you cheaper prices on a t-shirt?
And have I mentioned I think that you're the best fans in the whole world?

[Fehr]
What a two-faced liar, his act is getting tired.
And the fans all staying home is the only way he gets fired.

[Bettman]
So wait, you really think he's going to side with the players?
And root for a bunch of mullet-headed millionaires?
You're either with us or with them. That's how this thing goes.
Are you gonna take the side of the guy who killed the Expos?

[Fehr]
What'd you say?

[Bettman]
What's wrong? Didn't think they'd remember?
What you pulled in '94 in the middle of September?

[Fehr]
Oh now you're on their side, eh? Mr. NBA?
Mr. let's put every franchise in the southern USA?
How you going to tell this hockey fan not to desert you?

[Bettman]
Cause anything he does to hurt me would also hurt you.
Remember, 50/50? Split the pie up nice and nifty?
We're both going to get screwed if these fans start getting thrifty

[Fehr]
Oh yeah, good point. We should probably try to play nice.

[Bettman]
Or at least think up another slogan to paint across the ice.

[Fehr]
So what do you think, should we negotiate for real now?

[Bettman]
Yeah, it's January, we can finally make our deal now.




19 comments:

  1. Funny stuff yet again gentleman... Loved the ticker across the bottom at the beginning about the buyout support group with Komisarek, Gomez and Redden!

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  2. -[eminem]
    Well played sir. haha

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  3. This was absolutely perfect.

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  4. What? *THIS* is the post we get? Come on, we have Brian Burke being turfed and there's no commentary about him being fired before the season even starts or that he's fired this late in teh season and the Leafs are still tied for first??? :)

    PolyWogg

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  5. Brian WHO? Cares?

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. PolyWogg: Some "Sean McIndoe" guy did a "serious" post over at Grantland about the Burke Turfing.

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  8. I lost it when vader's mask opened

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  9. You win the internet this month.

    Goddamn it's great to have hockey back.

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  10. You guys never disappoint, this rocks.

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  11. EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!!! (Vader and Hitler part 3)

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  12. This is all shades of awesome.

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  13. holy shit

    this is outstanding!

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  14. You have a book?

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  15. This would be a lot frakking funnier if it weren't so true.

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  16. Always great stuff. The Expo comment was the icing on the cake. Btw, I never did watch baseball ever again after '94. Seriously thought about doing the same with hockey this time around, but instead I will not buy anymore merchandise.

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  17. This makes me cry. Because it's all true. And here we all are, running back like the crack addicts we are as the NHL and PA gleefully rub their hands together and remember they can pull this crap as much as they want to, cause we'll always come back. . . .

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  18. Looks like he let the PA write this one for him.

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