Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The DGB anonymous NHL player survey

Even though he desperately wanted
to ask if Dion was really overrated,
Phil was just too intimidated.
It seems like anonymous player surveys are all the rage these days. Everywhere you look, somebody is unveiling a new poll that claims to tell us what the players really think of today’s NHL.

First up to the plate was Sports Illustrated, which has been releasing individual questions from its survey over the course of the season. This weekend saw a new survey released, with the CBC and NHLPA revealing the results of their Hockey Night in Canada Player Poll.

Well, Sports Illustrated and Hockey Night in Canada may be well-respected within the hockey world, but I don’t see why they should have all the fun. And since NHL players apparently can’t turn down an opportunity to anonymously offer up their thoughts on the state of the game, I figured I’d send out my own survey. Here’s what the players had to tell me.

Which player has the hardest slapshot?
Shea Weber – 28%
Sheldon Souray - 15%
Zdeno Chara – 57%

Which player is the fastest skater?
Marion Gaborik – 33%
Michael Grabner – 10%
Zdeno Chara – 57%

Which player is the best goalie?
Henrik Lundqvist – 31%
Pekka Rinne – 12%
Zdeno Chara – 57%

Um, is Zdeno Chara standing right behind you as you fill out this survey?
No – 43%
He just cracked his knuckles. Next question! – 57%

Many experts claim that the NHL has a significant crisis of head injuries. In light of this, what do you think players should be doing with their heads?
Using them to make smarter plays in dangerous situations – 27%
Protecting them with high-tech helmets that do a better job of absorbing impact – 31%
Firmly placing them in the sand and keeping them there until everyone agrees to just stops talking about this – 42%

The NHL has made several changes this year to try to protect against head injuries. Which single change do you think has been the most effective?
Replacing Rule 48 with a more comprehensive and easy-to-understand version of the rule – 29%
Replacing the various team concussions tests with a standardized league-wide version – 25%
Replacing Matt Cooke with an actor who kind of looks like him but doesn’t immediately elbow everyone he sees in the temple – 46%

Speaking of rule changes: Do you think the trapezoid behind the net has achieved its purpose?
Yes – 43%
Obviously – 24%
Sure – 20%
Indubitably! – 13%

You have absolutely no idea what the trapezoid was supposed to accomplish, do you?
None whatsoever, no – 100%

What changes would you like to see the league make when it comes to goaltender equipment?
Adjust their leg pads so there is more room to shoot five-hole – 49%
Adjust their shoulder pads so there is more room to shoot high – 46%
Adjust their laptop so that they can no longer connect to Facebook – 5%

Should the NHL abolish the instigator rule?
Yes – 3%
No – 4%
No, unless we’re playing the Sabres that night and Patrick Kaleta is in the lineup, in which case yes – 93%

Should fighting be banished completely?
Yes – 2%
No – 98%

Will the overwhelming response to the previous question ever be mentioned in any of the media’s anti-fighting articles?
Yes – 2%
No – 98%

While we encourage fans to be passionate, sometimes they can go too far. What was your first thought when you heard that somebody painted an obscene image and wrote “Go Canuks” on the side of Milan Lucic’s church in Vancouver?
This was a disgusting act that has no place in the world of sports – 67%
While the incident was unfortunate, it should not reflect poorly on all Vancouver Canuck fans – 30%
Since the perpetrator apparently likes to draw and can’t spell, we should probably arrest Brad Marchand’s tattoo artist. – 3%

Hey, just curious, but you don’t mind picking a Maple Leaf player for all the negative questions so that our survey will get more web hits, right?
No – 34%
Yes – 25%
Um, why is there a five dollar bill taped next to this question? - 41%

Cool. So, who is the most overrated player in the league?
Dion Phaneuf – 22%
Phil Kessel – 17%
James Reimer – 4%
Anyone who has ever made Zdeno Chara look bad – 57%

He’s still there, isn’t he?
No – 43%
Oh god, I think I made eye contact, he’s coming over here please tell my family that I… – 57%


  1. Chara is a nice guy and would never hurt anyone for just disagreeing with him or speaking ill of him.

    1. Obwiously he will not, he will just drive them head first into the stantion. Completelly hockey related accident...

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Goober, you sound like Frank Sinatra in The Manchurian Candidate - Zdeno Chara is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

  4. Should have removed the fourth question. The joke s best left interpreted to the reader.

  5. @Anonymous 8:16:

    Let the readers interpret? Clearly, you haven't been introduced to Mike...

  6. I don't know if Chara works as the replacement for Pronger as the intimidating figure.

  7. That's worth 5 stars. The Chara references are top notch. Keep it up!

  8. As a Flyers fan, I object to Chara being in the same category as Pronger. Pronger is a caring and kind man who provides other players a chance at some relaxation time due to concussion like symptoms, only using the tools God gave him, not a stanchion. He does these things for the good of all. But well done, nonetheless.

  9. I agree with the obviously intelligent and insiteful posters above who correctly pointed out that this Zdeno Chara (whoever he is),is indeed a poor substitute for that much more handsome, and well mannered Chris Pronger fellow.

    1. Pronger is standing right behind you, isn't he?

    2. I'm glad that you named yourself "NotChrisPronger". Otherwise, I would've been confused as to whether you were Chris Pronger or not.

  10. "but doesn’t immediately elbow everyone he sees in the temple"

    Even the monks? What a monster...

  11. www.koskavesatoskalaviimeksivoitti.eu

    That is a counter of when was the last time Vesa Toskala has won a hockey game. Impressive 160 days of not winning a single game, even though he now plays in Finnish Elite League. You Torontoans sure now how to scout players.