Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Winners and losers at the NHL's midseason mark

"Jarome, what would you say is the absolute best-
case scenario for the Flames' record this year?"
The NHL will officially cross the midway mark later this week, with all 30 teams having played their 41st game of the season. And while a lot can change over the next few months, it's fair to say the first half has been kinder to some teams than others.

A handful of elite teams are already looking ahead to the possibility of a deep playoff run. Others are left to contemplate trade deadline fire sales and wonder where it all went wrong. Here's a look at the winners and losers from the first half of the season.

Winner: Calgary Flames - The struggling franchise continues to draw comparisons to the 2008 Maple Leafs, which is great news since it means they're only a few years away from being able to trade all their worst players to the Calgary Flames.

Loser: Pittsburgh Penguins - Have had to deal with a ridiculous string of significant injuries, we think, although it's hard to say since their guy in charge of reporting injuries is currently injured.

Winner: St. Louis Blues - Goaltender Brian Elliot has put up outstanding numbers ever since new coach Ken Hitchcock broke down film of his time with the Senators and suggested he try the slight adjustment of turning his goalie mask around so that the eyeholes are in the front.

Loser: New Jersey Devils - In hindsight, the team probably could have recognized Patrik Elias for reaching the 1,000 games milestone without showing that scoreboard message that said "Congratulations on playing almost as many games as Ilya Kovalchuk still has left to go on his contract".

Winner: Anaheim Ducks - Swirling trade speculation can often leave a star player tearing his hair out, so it's probably just as well that it's happening to Ryan Getzlaf.

Loser: Tampa Bay Lightning - May be relying too much on their patented 1-3-1 defensive system, in which one player forechecks deep, three clog the neutral zone, and one fishes the puck out of the net while Dwayne Roloson tries to show it picture of his grandchildren.

Winner: Colorado Avalanche - Are a miraculous 7-0 in shootouts so far this season, although it's probably unfair that they get to keep bringing in Tim Tebow to play net.

Loser: Toronto Maple Leafs - Phil Kessel is slowly starting to realize that there was something strange about that preseason bet where he promised to spend the entire year setting up Joffrey Lupul if he'd agree to wear a jersey with his name spelled backwards.

Winner: Boston Bruins - Thanks to the excellent play of Tim Thomas and Tuukka Rask, the team's goals against average is so ridiculously low that it was recently mistaken for a Brad Marchand body check.

Loser: Ottawa Senators - Their forwards may seem to be putting up impressive scoring totals, but a closer look reveals that almost all the goals are the result of Erik Karlsson banking the puck in off somebody who wasn't paying attention because he "wanted to make it more challenging".

Winner: New York Rangers - Were able to get a win at the Winter Classic, which is great because playing in that game is a rare opportunity that the Rangers will likely only have four or five more times this decade.

Loser: Winnipeg Jets - Will be stuck in the Southeast Division for another season thanks to the NHLPA blocking the league's realignment plans, meaning they'll be forced to make multiple midwinter trips to Carolina and Tampa Bay and Miami and wait I think I may have figured out which players voted against this.

Winner: Phoenix Coyotes - Shane Doan recorded the first hat trick of his 17-year career on Saturday, which was a nice moment because it gave the fans in Phoenix a five-month head start on throwing away Coyotes merchandise.

Loser: Columbus Blue Jackets - General manager Scott Howson has been so inundated with around-the-clock phone calls about trading star winger Rick Nash to a contending team that he eventually had to tell Rick Nash to stop phoning him.




39 comments:

  1. Ouch, the phoenix jab was the best!

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  2. With Luongo's play recently we can say goodbye to the jokes at his expense. Thankfully we still have Roloson.

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  3. Who wants to give me a high 'five' to the Bruins joke?

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  4. Palindrome jokes? Yes, please!

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  5. Looool, the Senators and the Devils jokes were hilarious!

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  6. The Boston and Jersey jokes were great, but the Rangers one was just depressing.

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  7. The Bruins joke was great, but where's the Penguins one? All you did for them was repeat the news.

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  8. Oh gosh, the Phoenix one killed me. I am now dead.

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  9. I thought the media had a self imposed ban on mentioning how absurdly bald Getzlaf is. Nice touch.

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  10. unless I misread that... did you just compliment an Ottawa Senators player?

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  11. Winner: Florida Panthers - After the players learned that they can play golf more once they officially retire, they decided to play this year, win the Stanley Cup and call it a career.

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  12. low blow on Getzlaf's baldness. nice

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  13. As a diehard Coyotes fan, that Phoenix jab made me almost cry and throw things at the monitor. But I have to say, it was really well executed.

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  14. Awesome. I needed that! LOL Calgary!

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  15. Loser - Minnesota Wild - Have hit such a terrible mid-season skid that Down Goes Brown doesn't even take the time to make fun of them despite having a roster full of players with names like "Stoner", "Zidlicky", and "Clutterbuck". There has to be joke in there somewhere, right?

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  16. Wow! Such a biased evaluation! Never mind. Bye, bye!

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  17. I couldn't have laughed harder at the Jets quip. Excellent top-to-bottom, as per usual. Kudos.

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  18. The last three were especially brilliant.

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  19. I hereby nominate the Phoenix jab for DGB quip of the year. Funniest thing you've written in a long time - and that's saying a lot.

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  20. roloson jab was genius, my fave by far

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  21. each and every one was a gem! subtle, yet explosively funny! a must read!

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  22. Winner: Los Angeles Kings - LA is in the playoff race and they seem to have many goal scores. Just keep a certain one of them away from Pancakes and they should be just fine.

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  23. Serious?, No mention of Vancouver? The Number 2 team in the league right now. Pathetic.

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  24. ^ More whining from Vancouver fans. Don't worry, the Sharks will put an end to your season.

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  25. Loser: Vancouver Canucks - Thought the Stanley Cup was a best of 9 series that extended into the next season.

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  26. This is the best post in awhile. Alot of good ones in here.

    What's that, anonymous (Sharks fan) 8:47? I was too distracted by this stanchion over here...pucks sure do bounce funny off them, don't they?

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  27. Anonymous wrote: "With Luongo's play recently we can say goodbye to the jokes at his expense."

    This is absolutely correct. Luongo has shaken off the fatigue of last year's run, and has finally rounded into his standard regular-season form.

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  28. Can the Canuck fans stop whining because someone didn't say how great they are? You're really starting to sound like Luongo from the Finals last season. Oh no, they didn't "pump our tires"? I must make myself out to be a whiner for this, and once again make the whole city of Vancouver sound like whiny crybabies!

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  29. Holy crap, I need to not be drinking anything while I'm reading these. I almost had milk come out of my nose when I read the Shane Doan line!

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  30. My client, an NHL goaltender who wishes to remain anonymous, has retained me to wave a cane at you dismissively, sir. He would have done it himself but he is worried about dislocating a hip in the process.

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  31. This one was amazing, particularly in its consistency. Nearly every one had me snorting. Bravo.

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  32. (checks list)

    ... no gags about the Kings scoring less than a pimply-faced teenager who has no car?

    ... I'm both happy and sad.

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  33. How big does your butt hole have to be to fit all these posters in at once?

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  34. wait in that ottawa joke are you actually acknowledging that someone from the Sens are good?

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  35. You know, I hate to be "that guy", but given that I can't remember the last article we had without some sort of rib on the Flames, I'd just like to point out that they're 9-0-1 over their last 10 home games and are two points out of the playoffs.

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  36. The Phoenix one. Ouch.

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  37. As a rangers fan I am excited about these 5 winter classic games this decade!! btw the Cyots one was funny.

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