Tuesday, January 24, 2012

An optimist's guide to the non-playoff teams

"C'mon ref, you're taking forever. Step on it!
Oh... uh, sorry Taylor, poor choice of words."
The all-star break is typically seen as a good time to start look ahead to potential playoff scenarios. And while no team has officially clinched a spot, several are all but locked in and others are slowly but surely starting to cement their post-season invitations.

Of course, that also means there are 14 teams on the outside looking in - some more outside than others. And while it would be tempting to kick those teams while they're down, that's not our style around here. We prefer the power of positive thinking.

So instead let's focus on some good news for each of the 14 teams that found themselves outside of the playoff picture heading into Monday night's action.

Edmonton Oilers - Could end up picking first overall in this year's draft for the third straight year but there's absolutely zero chance of it happening again in 2013, according to the league's policy on rigging draft lotteries after cancelled seasons.

Minnesota Wild - Should keep believing in themselves because this is the NHL and anything can happen; for example, at one point this year the Minnesota Wild were in first place and they're completely terrible.

Buffalo Sabres - While it may seem wrong to react to a rough season by throwing long-time franchise player Ryan Miller under the bus, it's nice to know that at least you wouldn't have to worry about any teammates trying to fight the bus driver.

Toronto Maple Leafs - May finally be able to get a win against the Bruins this year, now that they know that Tim Thomas will refuse to show up if you just crowd enough left wingers around him.

Phoenix Coyotes - Finally achieved some certainty around the team's ownership situation when Gary Bettman admitted that we will certainly be talking about this every single year until the Earth crashes into the sun.

Winnipeg Jets - Are the only team not sending a player to Ottawa for the all-star weekend, which is great news since players often become distracted when they spend a weekend somewhere tropical.

New York Islanders - Hey, ten thousand years from now nobody will even remember any of this, unless they find a ten thousand-year-old book called "The Worst Run Hockey Franchises of All-Time".

Montreal Canadiens - It will be fun next year watching new coach Patrick Roy pull Carey Price during a blowout, then tackle him as soon as he gets anywhere near the team president's seat.

Tampa Bay Lightning - Steven Stamkos is currently on pace to score over 50 goals this season, which is pretty amazing when you factor in that he's done it without ever getting to face the Lightning goaltenders.

Carolina Hurricanes - New coach Kirk Muller has kept several elements of former coach Paul Maurice's game plan in place, which will make the transition easier when Maurice is rehired in the offseason.

Dallas Stars - Thankfully won't have to worry about a repeat of last year's distracting "Should we go for a playoff spot or trade away our star player" drama, since this year they don't have one.

Calgary Flames - Have made it clear that they're going for a postseason spot and won't trade Jarome Iginla, and it will be great for hockey fans to once again see him playing important April hockey whenever the playoff game goes to intermission and they switch over to the World Championships.

Anaheim Ducks - Sources in the team's front office confirm that it's still totally fun to float yet another bogus trade rumour about a star player you have no intention of actually moving, then crowd around the phone with a stopwatch to see how long it takes Brian Burke to call.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Well, at least that annoying glass-half-full guy who responds to every loss all season long by saying "It could be worse, we could have Brett Lebda" will shut up now.




39 comments:

  1. The jab at Thomas was pure gold my friend.

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  2. "May finally be able to get a win against the Bruins this year, now that they know that Tim Thomas will refuse to show up if you just crowd enough left wingers around him." Love It!!

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  3. Think it wouldve been braver to call out some of the teams who are in for a big fall the rest of this season!

    Philadelphia Cryers - Will head into the offseason knowing that at least this time they will not need to address the need for a starting goaltender. Oh wait. LOL.

    Washington Crapitals - Will at least be happy knowing that not making the playoffs means they're more likely to win a possible post-lockout 2013 Draft Lottery and finally get a #1 pick who isn't a bust!

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    1. wow.. thank god you dont write on here cause that was awful you pitt clown

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    2. Posts like the above make me appreciate DGB so much more.

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    3. You should have gone with crapscicles anyway.

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    4. i believe the post lockout #1 pick is already set aside for Pitt

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  4. The Tim Thomas comment? OH SNAP!

    I mean, I respect him making a political statement and letting his voice be heard. But still... OH SNAP!

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  5. Great jab at Thomas, now and forever to be known as the Unagoalie.

    You're part of a TEAM Timderella, the invite wasn't for you personally, it was for the TEAM.

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  6. everyone loves Lebda jokes. awesome.

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  7. Columbus Blue Jackets - Well, at least that annoying glass-half-full guy who responds to every loss all season long by saying "It could be worse, we could have Brett Lebda" will shut up now.

    Brett Lebda jokes will never stop being funny.

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  8. Come on.....iggy doesn't play in the Worlds. He golfs with Darryl Sutter though.

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  9. Lockout jokes aren't funny but the Burke line was pure gold.

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  10. I laughed (pretty hard) at Toronto at Columbus.

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  11. That Tim Thomas joke was nothing short of monster.

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  12. I like jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Contiunue please and make it simple for us to laughing!! :)) from Korea I send you this message!!! I don nt understanding the jokes:)!!!!!!!! Good ones!!!!!:)

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  13. The lockout joke makes me sad :(

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  14. The caption made me laugh pretty hard.... sucks for Taylor though.

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  15. The Buffalo reference (no one will fight the bus driver) was beautiful

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  16. The Tim Thomas one made me laugh so hard I had to stop reading for several minutes. Genius.

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  17. The Tim Thomas joke made me spit out my water all over my laptop screen. Bloody hilarious. Then I got to the Brett Ledba one. This might be my favorite post with the exception of the timeless suspension chart.

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  18. can someone please explain the thomas one to me? thanks! was it because lucic and marchand were there?

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    1. Tim Thomas hates democrats. Democrats = left wingers.

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    2. It's because Thomas was a no-show at the White House because Obama is a left-wing politician. The joke is a double-entendre, claiming that Thomas will also be a no-show in net if the Leafs send a bunch of left-wingers (the position in hockey) at him. And the whole point is that the Leafs have been abysmal against the Bruins this season.

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  19. Just wanted to agree with everyone else about the Tim Thomas joke, genious :)

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  20. As Brett Lebda scores the first CBJ goal of the night.

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  21. Oh, so now the Leafs are capable of surrounding someone with left wingers?

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  22. Mats: well, no-one said they had to be decent left-wingers. (I'll check with Don, just in case.)

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  24. @ Mats Sundin - I love you. Hilarious!

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  25. Harold & The BallardeersJanuary 25, 2012 at 10:58 AM

    Laugh out loud funny, all the way through...

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  26. I fully support Tim Thomas. Liberals should take their crying to the NBA.

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    1. Yes, the league populated by Canadians and Scandinavians should purge anyone who Tim Thomas would consider a liberal.

      Well, I guess having three-man rosters would eliminate those payroll issues....

      (Also: the gag about Thomas is reminiscent about why the Toronto Star hockey team always sucked - they couldn't find any right wingers)

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    2. Dude, it's just a joke -- calm down.

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  27. This is one of your best ever, DGB. The Ryan Miller, Tim Thomas and Steven Stamkos jokes were the best. And it's been far too long since you could make a 'Brett Lebda is still in the NHL' joke! :-)

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  28. As a longtime Colorado resident, I'm surprised to see that the Avalanche somehow didn't make the list of non-playoff teams. I can only assume that they got bumped down to the AHL once the last local fans stopped paying attention, which happened about three minutes after Peter Forsberg officially retired.


    http://bowlinginthedark.blogspot.com/2012/01/sidney-crosbys-mustache-demoted-to-ahl.html

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    1. On the other hand Phoenix, a division winner, is in the list.

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  29. "Tim Thomas will refuse to show up if you just crowd enough left wingers around him"

    You, sir, have won the Internetz. Congratulations!

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