Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A hockey fan's guide to modern TV technology

This 2010-11 Tyler Bozak highlight video sucks.
Hockey Night in Canada will break new ground on Saturday when the game between the Maple Leafs and Canadiens marks their first broadcast available in 3D.

That's great news if you have a 3D-ready television. But most hockey fans don't. And in fact, many hockey fans are still watching the game on old-fashioned sets without any of the bells and whistles that so many others now take for granted.

My guess is that many of those late adopters might consider upgrading to a more modern system in time for this weekend's game. And if you're one them, I'm here to help with this handy guide to help a hockey fan get up and running with the latest television technology.

Getting Started
First step: Go buy an expensive television and home entertainment system, bring it home, and hook it up. Go ahead, I'll wait here.

Are you back? Great. Let's make sure you're ready for some hockey. First, press the power button on one of the seven remote controls you now own. No, not that one. The one that's kind of greyish. No, the other one that's kind of greyish. You know what, just hit the power buttons on all of them. Good, we're ready to get started.

High-Definition Television
A top quality high-definition television can produce up to 17 million colors, which is enough to display almost half of the colors present in one of Don Cherry's jackets. To hook up your high-def TV, follow these steps:
  • First, tune your television to your favourite sports channel so you can see what the anchors look like in standard definition.
  • Next, locate the HDMI cable and plug it into the back of your TV.
  • Now check the screen and see what the anchors look like in high-definition.
  • Finally, yank the HDMI cable out of the television and throw it out of the window before collapsing on the ground, clawing at your eyes in horror.
Watching Television in 3D
If you've purchased a 3D set, put on your special glasses and wait for something to be projected directly towards the screen. If you're watching a made-for-3D movie, this will happen every few seconds. If you're watching anything else, this will happen never.

Helpful hint: When watching hockey in 3D, it's probably a good idea to look away from the screen any time James Wisniewski starts getting angry.

Stereo Sound
Your new entertainment system will feature stereo sound that delivers a much richer experience. Set up the various speakers in strategic locations around the room, and soon you'll be enjoying the sound of your friends telling you that you didn't put them in the right place.

You'll also be able to hear enhanced audio during hockey games, such as hits rattling off the glass, players calling for passes, and enhanced crowd noise. (Please note: Crowd noise not available for games broadcast from the Air Canada Centre.)

The Personal Vide Recorder
A personal video recorder (or PVR) is a device that allows you to pause, record, fast forward and rewind live television. While it can be used for any type of programming, it's especially useful for sports fans who want to record games to watch later.

Your system will come with a handy onscreen guide that will make the process easy. Scroll through the menu to find the game you want to record. Notice that the guide is helpfully set to record the game from 7:00 to 9:30, which is fine since nobody really wants to watch the end of the third period anyway.

When it's time to watch the game you've recorded, you can fast forward until you see something interesting happening. Then you can fast forward past that while you try to remember where the rewind button is. Then you can rewind too far and miss it again. Then you can accidentally press the "live" button, skip directly to the end of the game, see the final score, and throw your remote control out the window. Don't worry, you still have six more.

Helpful hint: Remember to feel slightly guilty about fast forwarding through the national anthem.

The Blu-ray player
A Blu-ray player is a device that allows Calgary Flames fans to watch movies during the playoffs.

Troubleshooting
Still having problems? Try some of these fixes to common issues.

Problem: I recorded my favourite team's game and decided to watch all their goals, fights and big hits, but I ended up just fast forwarding and fast forwarding until the game was over.
Solution: Stop cheering for the Ottawa Senators.

Problem: My TV is stuck on an image of Sidney Crosby, and the Penguins aren't even playing in this game.
Solution: You have accidentally switched over to an NBC broadcast.

Problem: I'm pressing my remote control's "mute" button, but the announcer just keeps getting louder.
Solution: You are attempting to mute Pierre McGuire. Nobody can mute Pierre McGuire.

Problem: The picture starts out sharp and clear for the opening faceoff, but becomes increasingly blurry as the game goes on until it is almost impossible to tell what's happening.
Solution: You're a Leaf fan. Try not to drink so much during the game.




40 comments:

  1. honestly, this might be the best one ever.

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  2. Laughing so hard I scared one of my students. Thanks

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  3. Good call on the mute button. Watched the Caps/Leafs game last night on Center Ice. The commentators made me literally want to scream. If I hear the name Kaberle ever again, I might go on a shooting spree. Even if you're Leafs fans, I don't know how you people can listen to that and remain sane. Congrats on the win, btw. You guys are on a roll.

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  4. "Problem: I'm pressing my remote control's "mute" button, but the announcer just keeps getting louder.
    Solution: You are attempting to mute Pierre McGuire. Nobody can mute Pierre McGuire."

    This is quite possibly the best quote ever. EVER!

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  5. Made me laugh... love the "blu-ray player" description. :)

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  6. LOL!! I do own a 3DTV and I'm pissed off that Rogers Cable doesn't seem to be carrying this 3d HNIC game.

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  7. Absolutely Brilliant!!!!

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  8. The troubleshooting section alone was worth the click!

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  9. "Solution: You're a Leaf fan. Try not to drink so much during the game."

    So THAT's how they do it! Do you think that will work for a Flames fan whose wife brings home Eat, Pray, Love to watch on the Blu-ray?

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  10. "First, tune your television to your favourite sports channel so you can see what the anchors look like in standard definition.
    Next, locate the HDMI cable and plug it into the back of your TV."

    The next step is actually "realise that Rogers' stupid box doesn't support HDMI properly and gives a dumb message about HDCP even though every other HDMI device you have works just fine. Find the messy bunch of Component cables instead."

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  11. Started out a little weak, but the Troubleshooting is worth the price of admission.

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  12. I will always cherish the moment of my life I spent reading this. *sniffle*

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  13. oh my god, i've never commented until now, but that one really might be the best yet. you had me rolling for every single one.

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  14. 3D hockey just in time for Dion Phaneuf to return and shoot pucks into your living room

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  15. Started off a little slow, but the build-up and finale was well worth the read! Fantastic work good sir!!

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  16. Troubleshooting was excellent!

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  17. Meh. DGB has fallen a ways since he signed with the National Post.

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  18. Again, have to stop reading at work. Very, very funny stuff!!

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  19. Yep, this is easily the best one you've ever done. And that says a lot considering how good you've been recently.

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  20. PVR and Troubleshooting were both very funny

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  21. When did the Flames become a target for DGB? C'mon man, it's tough enough being a Flames fan these days, but getting chirped by a fan who hasn't seen playoff hockey since the lockout...

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  22. I don't understand why people think DGB is funny.

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  23. Awesome work again, DGB. The Wisniewski jokes never get old! Also, I have to agree about NBC showing Crosby too much.

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  24. really funny...

    and DGB, you should start just talking about recent leafs games more... the posts are too infrequent, even if they are hilarious.

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  25. The sad thing is...the one about the PVR is ALL TRUE! Great stuff man.

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  26. this blog isnt even about the leafs anymore, what happened to the "obscure moments in leafs history" or the stuff like the fake facebook feed. all it is now is a series of lists with the occaisional jab at john ferguson or kyle wellwood.

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  27. That. Was. Awesome!

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  28. "Problem: The picture starts out sharp and clear for the opening faceoff, but becomes increasingly blurry as the game goes on until it is almost impossible to tell what's happening.
    Solution: You're a Leaf fan. Try not to drink so much during the game."

    But crying when you're sober seems so sissy-ish.

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  29. Chuck Norris can mute Pierre McGuire

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  30. At least you only have one yeller to worry about in Pierre McGuire. NBC viewers have two yellers in Pierre and Mike Emrick to contend with every game. I know hockey is emotional, but these two yelling in tandem are the best advertisement Tylenol ever had.

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  31. Damn DGB, you look just like Kyle Wellwood.

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  32. So, with super HD/3D can you see all the spittle building up in front of the benches?

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  33. Hmm.

    See, the problem I'm finding isn't the lack of Leafs content, but moreso the lack of any indication that a human is writing this. Frustrating thing is, the funniest parts here are when DGB starts sounding genuinely angry about how damn complicated TV remotes are, not the "oh, did you hear the one about Crosby being overexposed?" jokes.
    And that's what DGB used to be. A guy sounding off about something he was passionate about, and it was funny because the guy himself is funny.
    I can't help but think DGB may have grown to feel uninspired by season # of post-lockout misery, so I can excuse the lack of Leafs content to an extent. But without that DGB voice present in the content, there's rarely a reason to want to read recycled jokes.

    Just some in depth honesty.
    -Liam (we've corresponded before)

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  34. I do believe there is a man named Bubba that can make Pierre shut up, at least for a little while. And to all the haters of this blog.....put up or shut up. I would love to see y'all produce a better blog. Really....I do love a good laugh.

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  35. As a SENS fan, I naturally hate you.. but unfortunately your joke about the SENS is sadly true.. Could be worse though, could be the Leafs!

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  36. Problem: My TV is stuck on an image of Sidney Crosby, and the Penguins aren't even playing in this game.
    Solution: You have accidentally switched over to an NBC broadcast.

    I didn't realize Leafs fans like him about as much as Red Wings fans. Which is fantastic!!! Love it!!

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  37. Best one of the new sold-out-to-the-man era!

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  38. Admittedly, I've never written a blog before, and certainly would never try to fulfill a twice-weekly contract to a national newspaper with one, because, for me, it's just too hard. So my respect to you and to whatever article you come out with. That said, I understand that the lists comparing this to that may be easy/easier to write than something like this, but this is the best one in a long time. More like this, or your 'flow-charts' or commentary on a recent piece of NHL news; they've always been your strengths.

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  39. Wait, they have national anthems at hockey games??? I don't think I've heard a US network carry one!

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