Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A look at the agenda for today's NHL general managers meeting

Hello, complaints hotline?
This breadstick tastes terrible!
All 30 NHL general managers will be in Toronto today for their annual discussion on the state of the game. And while that may sound like just another boring business meeting, there could be some fireworks this year.

The meeting has become an important part of the league calendar, as it gives each GM an opportunity to let his colleagues know what's on his mind. And this year, many of the league's highest profile general managers appear to have plenty that they want to get off their chests.

According to sources, every general manager was given the opportunity to submit one agenda item for discussion. Here's a sampling of what's been bothering several of the league's biggest front office names:

Don Maloney, Phoenix Coyotes - The use of social media by players like Paul Bissonnette violates our league marketing policy by allowing fans to become aware of the existence of players other than Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin.

Doug Wilson, San Jose Sharks - We'd like to rescind our previous support for the league's new policy on headshots, as we were not told that those rules might be enforced against players on our roster.

Dale Tallon, Florida Panthers - We must institute a detailed coach's review system for initiating replays on all goals scored by Colton Orr, because man, you just know that guy did something.

Glen Sather, New York Rangers - We should definitely renew that league bylaw that prevents teams from firing general managers. Wait, we don't have that rule? Seriously? Wow.

Lou Lamoriello, New Jersey Devils - Hey guys, remember in the summer when you said you'd veto the Ilya Kovalchuk contract if there was any evidence of collusion? Well, craziest thing, but guess what I found behind the filing cabinet this morning?

Steve Tambellini, Edmonton Oilers - That whole thing with the jersey number was bad enough, but now Taylor Hall is obsessed with getting Kevin Lowe's executive parking spot too.

George McPhee, Washington Capitals - Hey, what if just to mix it up this year we gave the President's Trophy to the team that won four playoff rounds and the Stanley Cup to whoever wound up with the most regular season points?

Ken Holland, Detroit Red Wings - In an attempt to reduce the role of the shootout, maybe we could try a radical new system in which tie games would be settled by playing actual hockey.

Dean Lombardi, Los Angeles Kings - We must move quickly to institute a limit on the length and value of contract extensions for third year players, or at least convince Drew Doughty's agent that we did.

Greg Sherman, Colorado Avalanche - Look, I know I'm not exactly a veteran here, but I've been on the job for over a year now so it would be cool if I could sit at the big table with you guys instead of at this little folding table off to the side and … no? OK, just checking, I guess I'll be over here if anyone needs me.

Brian Burke, Toronto Maple Leafs - We must find a way to prevent fans from doing disgraceful things like booing Dion Phaneuf, and get them to start doing more reasonable things like booing the entire team, coaching staff, and front office.

Chuck Fletcher, Minnesota Wild - You know that whole thing about the sins of the father being visited upon the son? That doesn't apply to Jeff Finger, right?

Joe Nieuwendyk, Dallas Stars - Just spitballing here, but maybe we could spend a few minutes trying to figure out what the Hall of Fame selection committee's problem is.

Darcy Regier, Buffalo Sabres - Instead of waiting until the first week of November, we should consider having the season start in early October. Wait, what do you mean we already do that? But we told our players that… Uh oh.


  1. In my opinion this was an underperforming posting. I will now express my opinion with a cutting one-syllable epithet.


  2. Can we get a complete list? Surely you can come up with something for Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh. Atlanta even. Great job though.

  3. in one's best Groucho Marx voice:

    Hello, complaints hotline?
    This breadstick tastes terrible!

    and then Curly broke in doing the Curly Shuffle


    thanks for the early morning boog blow !!!

  4. Aw, poor Greg Sherman's mother may be reading this...

  5. I never used the tired "LOL" but this post quite literally made me laugh out loud.

  6. Meh, the thing with the National Post has really restricted the creativity that I usually expect out of you. Meh attempt at comedy is Meh.

  7. Aw, poor Greg Sherman's mother may be reading this...


  8. I've got to go with George McPhee on this one...

  9. Wait, no joke about Holmgren not knowing about the Salary Cap?

  10. pretty weak DGB, not even close to your usual calibre of comedy

  11. Another suggestion for Sather would have been, you mean the cap isn't per player but the whole team? Oh poopie.

  12. Great post.

    You forgot Mike Gillis though:

    "On twtr now: can we save time by holding mtgs by tweets? @Burke: btw is Finger available? Need new overpaid dman, Ballard's benched."

  13. I'm impressed that you follow hockey so thoughtfully. As a long term Wings fan, I remember 10 minute 5-5 OT's and that was boring too.