Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A transcript of every hockey game ever broadcast

The red light was so bright that Vesa
Toskala stood in front of it out of force of habit
Voiceover: Welcome to tonight's coverage of every NHL game ever broadcast. Here's a montage of slow motion highlights set to non-threatening rock music. Now over to our in-studio host for tonight's game.

Host: Hello everyone, I'm a little too excited to be here. With me is our panel of experts.

Management: I'm the former coach and/or front office executive. Everything I say will be driven by grudges I still hold from my failed career.

Player: I'm the recently retired player. I'm still friends with most of these guys, so I'll never say anything interesting.

Media: And I'm the media guy. I will take every moment of the game and force it into a larger narrative for storytelling purposes.

Host: Who are you picking to win tonight?

Management: I'm picking the home team, because the visiting team fired me in 1983.

Player: I'm taking both teams, because I don't see why everyone can't be a winner.

Media: I'm taking the visitors, because I'm working on a story about concussions.

Host: Makes sense. Let's send it up to the play-by-play announcer and the analyst.

Play-by-play: Good evening. I'm a shameless homer, but will make a half-hearted attempt to disguise that if this is a national broadcast.

Analyst: And I will say things you already know, five seconds after you yell them at your television.

Play-by-play: We will now show you shots of both goaltenders, followed by a slow zoom on the referee who has his hand in the air.

Analyst: Don't forget the shot of a coach staring into space.

Play-by-play: Something interesting has happened right off the bat, although you didn't see it because you were trying to read the line combinations that we flash on the screen in three-point font. Let's go down to the guy we've stuck between the benches. What did you think of that play?

Bench: I have no idea. You can't see anything down here and I'm terrified of being hit with a slap shot.

Play-by-play: Well, thanks anyway.

Bench: I will now go silent just in time for the players around me to teach your children some new swear words.

Play-by-play: Very educational. Let's send it back to the panel for the first intermission show.

Host: Welcome to the first intermission show, where we ignore everything that's happened in the game so far and instead have the discussion we'd already prepared in advance. The home team has recently lost two games in a row. What fatal flaw would you randomly attribute those losses to?

Management: I'm going to say a complete lack of intelligence on the part of everyone who has ever been employed by the franchise.

Media: I'm going to attribute it to a lack of character, brought on by the disintegration of the traditional nuclear family.

Player: I'm going to chalk it up to small sample size.

(Horrified silence.)

Player: Just kidding. Let's go with character.

Host: Now over to the highlight guy, who is in the same studio but has to stand ten feet away from us for some reason.

Highlights: I resent you all terribly.

Host: Back to you guys in the booth!

Play-by-play: Welcome back. Here's a scoring chance … he scores! Let's bring in the former goaltender that we're legally obligated to include on every broadcast.

Ex-goalie: That one was totally not the goaltender's fault, it was deflected in off a stick.

Play-by-play: The goal came on a breakaway.

Ex-goalie: Exactly. The shooter deflected it into the net using his own stick. Those are the hardest kind to stop.

Play-by-play: Have you ever seen a goal that was the goalie's fault?

Ex-goalie: Not yet, no.

Play-by-play: Let's send it back to the panel for the second intermission.

Host: When you last saw us, we were telling you how terrible the home team was. Now that they've had one good period, let's pretend that never happened and instead go overboard in praising how well they're playing.

Management: Here's a play from that last period, filmed from 15,000 feet above the ice. I will now scribble randomly on the screen with a magic marker.

Player: Everyone tried really hard on that play and seemed to have fun.

Media: Global warming!

Host: Highlight guy?

Highlights: (sniffle)

Host: Back to the action!

Play-by-play: It's a 1-0 game, which means you're in for 20 minutes of plodding defensive trapping that we'll pretend is entertaining.

Analyst: I will make vague references to a defensive "system" without ever explaining what that actually means.

Play-by-play: And now a fight has broken out. I will attempt to win a Gemini by pretending to be completely horrified.

Analyst: This is an overwrought comment about how nobody likes fighting, which you are unable to hear because the fans are cheering so loudly.

Play-by-play: And there's the final buzzer.

Analyst: This game went much faster than usual.

Play-by-play: Shut up.

Analyst: Here are tonight's three stars, which don't make any sense since we had to pick them with twelve minutes left in the second period.

Play-by-play: And now let's send it back to the studio for the post-game.

Host: Panel, before the game we all unanimously agreed that the home team would never win another game. Now that they've won, is it fair to say that it is in fact the visiting team that will never win again?

Management: Not unless they hire some new blood to the front office. Hint hint.

Player: I brought orange slices for everyone.

Media: Trapped miners!

Host: Highlight guy?

Highlights: Die. All of you.

Host: Thanks for watching everyone. Stay tuned to watch anchors narrate highlights of the game you just saw!




43 comments:

  1. WHOA. I'm a little too excited about this post.

    This is definitely going into my Top 5 DGB.

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  2. I'm sure that during one of the periods, they were talking about Sidney Crosby and how he has saved the NHL from imploding.

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  3. I never need to watch another hockey broadcast again :)

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. mondays game on versus, col at nyr, was hosted by some overly emotive woman anchor i'd never seen before... interesting change to be shore, but i swear to the hockey gods that if she had pretended to be any more excited than she was, she would have pee'd herself... fail.. engbloms hair.... bwahahahaha!! epic fail...
    i listened to mike lang and phil bourque call the pens game on the nhl radio feed... shameless homers? oh yeah... but one of the best pbp/analyst duos ever minted..

    dgb, the vesa toskala line off to the side there at the top is brilliant!

    - cheers....

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  6. "I brought orange slices for everyone."

    That one killed me. Great stuff.

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  7. That was AWESOME!

    "Play-by-play: And now a fight has broken out. I will attempt to win a Gemini by pretending to be completely horrified."

    Oh Jim Hughson, this would be your email signature.

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  8. Ahhh...the Leafs lose and DGB is back to normal. Universe = balanced.

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  9. Bench: I have no idea. You can't see anything down here and I'm terrified of being hit with a slap shot.

    LOL Another winner DGB

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  10. You forgot to add that the commentator between the benches would be shouting very loud, even if the situation didn't call for it.

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  11. DGB, do you really hear all these voices in your head?

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  12. The bench guy needs to be extremely loud and creepy.

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  13. "Highlights: Die. All of you." Best ever. You are awesome for starting my Tuesday off with a laugh.

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  14. now that was some old-school dgb comedy right there! that's gold jerry, gold!

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  15. I think you meant "and now over TO the highlight guy"...

    It wouldn't be a post without some kind of grammar or spelling error :)

    You also forgot the play-by-play and analyst guy sharing some meaningless mid-period story about people you've never met or heard of, just to see if you're paying attention.

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  16. This one was awesome! One of the best ever.

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  17. Couldn't help from laughing and disturbing people trying to pay attention in my seminar over lunch. This is so true but still better than weekday CBC broadcasts of Western Games. Opening day broadcast of Calgary/Edmonton was the worst thing I've ever heard. Worse than Blue Jays coverage before Buck came back

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  18. Hilarious! It seems like EVERY play-by-play guy is a shameless homer who pretends to be neutral. Also, I laughed about the highlight guy standing 10 feet away and resenting everyone else.

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  19. Absolutely hilarious and your best work in some time - veelly veelly funny indeed!

    Cheers from TheMonsterKåntry aka Sweden

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  20. Fantastic! Thanks for the laugh!

    And I couldn't help but picture the TSN crew through most of this... I dunno why. Made it that much funnier imo. :)

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  21. david: her name is Deb Placey; she works for MSG Network, usually on Islander broadcasts, so as a Rangers fan, I don't get to see her enough. She's both smart and gorgeous.

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  22. "Analyst: And I will say things you already know, five seconds after you yell them at your television."

    Classic!

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  23. The Bench guy should just put Pascal Leclaire beside him and he'll be safe.

    The only thing missing is the Female Color Person who is constantly amazed at how much faster the game is played by men

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  24. Nice one my man!
    When are we going to see a channel that broadcasts games with arena sound only...?

    Don't forget this beaut:
    Goalie (Millen): "Ohhh, I betcha he'd like to have that one back." While watching a replay of a goal...

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  25. I am officially putting my name in for acting this out for a video... somebody please arrange a decent set.

    justin.crowder(at)mail.mcgill.ca

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  26. hehehe, this one was awesome...

    still, compared to live broadcasts in sweden, the north american ones are way better. which says a lot about our hockey broadcasts. the only things that are more fun in sweden is when people are fighting in the swedish league as the play-by-play guy usually gets more fired up than an average fan. sadly, this happens in about every 50th game here, which is why NHL broadcasts actually are better...

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  27. I'm sitting here watch the Caps play the Bruins on versus and scrolling down the list as each thing happens. So far one step has yet to be missed. I noticed however that you forgot the 17 mentions of Sidney Crosby even though he's not on either team and has nothing to do with this game whatsoever.

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  28. Awesome. I think that the bench guy text should be in all caps. hmm, do you think that's why they put pierre down there?

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  29. "Analyst: And I will say things you already know, five seconds after you yell them at your television."

    I had a moment like this yesterday. I mentioned to my dad that Roloson had 58 saves the last time the Isles came to Toronto and then Millen said it literally 5 seconds later. My dad told me I should be a play by play guy.

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  30. Also, don't forget the 25 mentions of Sidney Crosby during the first period, the 32 mentions of Sidney Crosby during the first intermission, the 23 mentions of Sidney Crosby during the second period, the 17 (it was a good second period) mentions of Sidney Crosby during the second intermission, the 39 mentions of Sidney Crosby during the third period, and please please please go to OT so we can use the other 192 mentions of Sidney Crosby we didn't get to use during regulation.

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  31. When ESPN once profited off the NHL, I used to turn off those S.O.B.s and listen to Zappa,Phish, and/or Primus while watching the game. Though I would leave the Panthers broadcast on just to see how long it would take Potvin to start slurring his words. Middle of the first was usually his tipsy point. F.U. Bettman! GLOBAL WARMING! Luv it DGB, luv it.

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  32. The best is the 3 Stars of the Game picked 12 minutes into the second period.

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  33. Just have to comment again after rereading this golden piece of put-together-letters:
    it´s def in my Top10SeanStuff(guess #3 or 4); absolutely hilariously funny! I laughed and cried and almost pooped a bit.
    So there, comment #2 from me and myself here in Sweden aka Sundin Land is done.
    All told.

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  34. Goes for HNIC broadcasts which are often Bruins lovefests because Grapes and Milbury are adoring alum.

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  35. This might be the best thing I've ever read in the history of ever. I'm gonna print this, put it in a binding with Bible on it and start a new religion.

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  36. No "Kyle Wellwood is fat" comments? Really? Have you no decency, sir?

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  37. Ha I just missed a penalty because I was trying to read the line combos. You write the truth.

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  38. You mean this isn't an actual game transcription? But its so real!

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  39. "Anonymous said...

    Also, don't forget the 25 mentions of Sidney Crosby during the first period, the 32 mentions of Sidney Crosby during the first intermission, the 23 mentions of Sidney Crosby during the second period, the 17 (it was a good second period) mentions of Sidney Crosby during the second intermission, the 39 mentions of Sidney Crosby during the third period, and please please please go to OT so we can use the other 192 mentions of Sidney Crosby we didn't get to use during regulation."

    ...and that's just the stats for when he doesn't play in the game. If he plays, the stats are way up.

    -DG

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  40. First of all, I loved the piece...I have to wholeheartedly agree this is exactly how a hockey game plays out without fail.

    Another general point I want to make- this makes me wonder why not have an announcerless game? Let's think about it for a second. Announcers and analysts hearken back to the days of radio when we couldn't actually see what was going on the ice. They were still needed when TV came around to identify who has the puck and things like the score and how much time was left in the game, since TV still didn't have the technology to display anything but the ice correctly, though announcers' usefulness had decreased.

    Now, do we even need announcers anymore? We've got the score "bug" to tell us what the score is and how much time is left in the game. We've even got the technology to accurately display who's got the puck- presumably a chip can be in both the puck and the stick to tag just the puck carrier; and/or we can just simply tag everyone on the ice (though that could clutter the screen too much). All the reasons why we needed announcers in the first place- to know what's happening on the ice- we can cover with technology now; and, really, unless the announcer is just amazing (which is a rarity in a hockey broadcast) when has an announcer ever added anything to the enjoyment of the game? I'm seasoned enough to know what's happening on the ice on my own, darnit!

    -DG

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