Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Take the Quiz: How will your team do this season?

Eventually, JFJ put down his pencil and
just concentrated on eating all the paste.
For hockey fans, the wait is over. Training camp is done, final rosters have been announced, and the start of the season is just a days away. Very soon, we'll start to separate the contenders from the pretenders.

But what if you're the type of fan who doesn't like suspense? What if you can't be bothered to watch 82 games just to find out whether your favourite team will be any good this year?

You're in luck. By taking the quiz below, you can find out right now whether your team has what it takes to succeed. Simply grab a pen, circle the answer to each question that best applies to your team, and then consult the answer key at the end.

Spoiler alert: Don't read any further if you want to be surprised.

What is your team's official marketing slogan for the coming season?
a.) "Come and watch us on our quest for the Stanley Cup."
b.) "Win or lose, you'll always see an honest effort."
c.) "All season tickets are non-refundable."
d.) "Hey, as long as everyone has fun and nobody gets hurt there's really no reason to keep score, right?"

During an exhibition game, you notice your team's coach is using one of those fancy new tablet computers behind the bench. When the camera zooms in on the screen, what would you expect to see him doing?
a.) Drawing up a detailed play that's specific to the current personnel and game situation.
b.) Reviewing video of a play that took place earlier.
c.) Googling the phrase "How does 'icing' work?"
d.) Posting his resume online.

Your team's prized prospect is often referred to as:
a.) "Alexander Ovechkin without the mercy"
b.) "Chris Pronger without the mean streak"
c.) "Martin St. Louis without the size"
d.) "Vesa Toskala without the limbs"

Whenever experts discuss your team, the most common phrase they use is:
a.) "The presumptive Stanley Cup champions"
b.) "The dark horse contender"
c.) "The complete and utter travesty of a team, an embarrassing collection of unskilled impostors, seemingly lacking in even the most basic human capacity for shame"
d.) "The Edmonton Oilers"

How often does your team take a "too many men on the ice" penalty?
a.) Never. The coaching staff has enforced an unshakable team-wide commitment to discipline.
b.) Occasionally. But only because of confusion caused by those two all-star forwards being identical twins.
c.) Often. Your players have difficulty with complex concepts, such as "six".
d.) Never. The league has ruled that, due to their talent level, it is technically impossible for your team to ever be using "too many" players.

When asked by a reporter for what he would like to be able to say about his team at the end of the season, the general manager replies:
a.) "That we won it all -- nothing else will be acceptable."
b.) "That we always gave it everything we had, even if it was in a losing cause."
c.) "That we finished near the top of the league in ties."
d.) "At the end of the season? You should probably ask somebody who'll still be employed here."

Whenever you hear an expert say that your team will contend for a championship, they immediately follow that by adding:
a.) "Then again, I'm really just stating the obvious here."
b.) "Of course, that's only if they're able to stay completely healthy."
c.) "This concludes my demonstration of the sort of thing people say when they've suffered severe head trauma."
d.) "e5"

What is currently hanging from the ceiling in your team's dressing room?
a.) A replica of last year's championship banner.
b.) An inspirational quote about never giving up during difficult times.
c.) Streamers, balloons, and a sign reading "Congratulations on winning a faceoff".
d.) The starting goaltender.

Scoring: Total up your answers, then check below to find out how your team did.

Mostly a's: Plan the parade!
Mostly b's: Get ready to enjoy the ups and downs of an interesting season.
Mostly c's: Oh well, at least you can look forward to a top five draft pick.
Mostly d's: Oh well, at least the Bruins can look forward to a top five draft pick.


  1. Oh for shit's sake. Does anyone know how to get crayon off a monitor?

  2. This is my favorite post since the suspension flow-chart

  3. If that first comment hadn't blown it and had written "Jr." it would have been the best comment ever.

  4. the post was great, but that first comment was absolutely the best part of this read, minus sr./jr. mix up

  5. Absolutely hilarious! I loved the part abut the coach posting his resume online. Also, it's always good to see a Vesa Toskala/ hated goaltender joke in there. :D

  6. I don't think the poster mixed up the Sr/Jr -- the joke is that JFJr got crayon on JFSr's computer monitor and Sr is upset -- but perhaps didn't realize that Sr is deceased?

  7. Complex concepts like "six" are killers. Excellent, as always. :)

  8. I laughed hard at the e5 burn. Classic.

  9. A typical Saturday night for you is:

    a) Dinner in a restaurant.
    b) Dinner in a restaurant, followed by a movie.
    c) Ordering take-out, followed by a Netflix movie or Saturday Night Live.
    d) Watching your hockey team lose the same way they do every week, followed by a rerun TV melodrama from Quebec.

  10. I laughed so hard I think I pulled something.

    BTW, if your prospect is "Martin St. Louis without the size," does that mean he's 2 ft tall?

  11. The eklund jab was hilarious

  12. Remember when this was a Leafs blog? What happened?

  13. He now writes for the National Post... so it has to apply to a larger base. I don't mind. Constantly ripping on the Leafs makes me sad (even if it is deserved/true).

  14. "Whenever you hear an expert say that [you are] team will contend for a championship..."

  15. Well there has actually been a lot less Leafs posts lately, but I don't mind that. They will probably appear a bit more frequently once the season has started, and posts like this are so hilarious that I really don't mind

    And DGB: the pen should've been photoshopped into a crayon, only problem i have with this post... =P

  16. Re: Leaf posts.

    I have to stay away from team-specific content for the National Post stuff (Tuesdays and Friday), but time permitting there will still be Leafs stuff on other days. Could be a post tomorrow or Thursday, actually.

  17. Great post DGB, absolutely loved the jab at Eklund.

  18. E5 LOL LOVE IT!!!

  19. Speaking of complex concepts, I'm looking for a sixth star to click.

  20. You are my hero

    Literally you are my hero...I named my blog after you...

    I wish I was 1/3 as talented as you are. But alas, all I have is the fact that you did sorta take one of my jokes from June in a post.

  21. One of your best posts in a while. Absolutely great with awesome misdirection humor. I really loved it.

  22. a) Your big off-season signing is a superstar player
    b) Your big off-season signing is Ilya Kovalchuk
    c) Your big off-season signing is Derek Boogaard
    d) You haven't had a big off-season signing since being relocated

  23. What's an "E5"? Is it a canadian thing?

  24. d.) "Vesa Toskala without the limbs"

    Technically, this is better than a Toskala with the limbs, due to the fact that shots going wide of the net will actually go wide of the net and not be deflected in by the goaltender.

  25. "That we finished near the top of the league in ties."
    I think I just saw Bettman jump into the booster seat in his limo. I do believe he said he was "getting on the corporate plane to fly to Ottawa,(or were ever it is in Ontario you may live) in order to slap you for bringing up things in the past".
    It was kind of hard to understand him while he was drinking from his sippy cup.

  26. Absolutely astounding. This is exactly what I need to read to get ready for the start of the NHL season...tomorrow morning at 11.

  27. Hey at least I get to watch a winning team in the Riders still...

    *hits question 5*

  28. Yes, I don't get the e5 reference either?

  29. The Sedin joke was pure gold.

  30. You will see, oh you will see...

  31. In a nutshell, E5 refers to the system, a 'professional', (term used very loosely) hockey blogger with 'alot' (again, loosely) of insiders, thus he would often state upcoming rumours and trade talk. His ranking system is from E1 to E5, with the former being a low chance of happening but still a chance, and E5 being "Book it, its gonna happen". Of his dozen or so 'E5's this past year, about one was correct. And in the past few years of his existence, his rate of success in trade rumours are pathetically low, yet he is still around and people still follow him, and pay for access to his site. Is he a fraud? Well, he is an anonymous blogger, for all we know, he could be a 14 year old making up stories derived from HFBoards, putting it on his site, generating hits (by mentioning popular teams like Montreal, Toronto, etc.) and cashing in from all the Google Adsense and subscription moola generated.