Sign a contract? Or take off
my shirt and stare creepily? Hmm...
my shirt and stare creepily? Hmm...
The stupid thing that I did was to think to myself "Self, you know what you should do for your next post? Something about the Ilya Kovalchuk signing, which is no doubt going to happen any minute now. Oh, it will be ever so grand!"
(Yes, in fact, my internal monologue is conducted in the voice of a 1920's schoolboy. Isn't yours?)
So while we all sit around waiting for Ilya to make up his mind about which team's salary cap he's going to completely destroy, let's
#1 - Gary Bettman's hacked Gmail account
Hey, did you know that Gmail puts your most recent messages at the top of the page, not the bottom? It's true. I know this, because somebody told me. I'm trying to remember who it was. Oh, that's right, everybody.
#2 - Chris Pronger's other jerk moves
One jerk move Chris Pronger has yet to attempt: ruining my blog by taking a week to sign with the Kings.
#3 - An open letter to Vesa Toskala
This one wasn't very popular in Finland, where Vesa apparently still has a loyal fanbase. It was the subject of a long and angry thread on a Finnish hockey forum. Or at least that's what I was told. I visited the forum, and I can tell you that Finnish people must be the worst typers on the planet -- I could barely make out a single word anyone wrote.
#4 - The Real Sports Bar and Grill menu
Check out my mad Corel Photo-Paint skillz, yo.
#5 - Team Canada's friendly welcome to the rest of the world
Oh come on, like you know which team Mikko Koivu plays for.
#6 - The missing questions from ESPN's player survey
An additional missing question: What part of "star free agents sign contracts on July 1" do you not understand?
#7 - Brian Burke's letter to the other GMs about Tomas Kaberle
Breaking news: This wasn't really written by Brian Burke. (e5)
#8 - The other Maple Leafs training camp letters
I LIKE BALLONS!
#9 - It Felt a Little Like '93
True story: I met Bloge Salming in person for the first time a few weeks ago. Possibly true story: He speaks in auto-tune.
#10 - NHL GM's go online to prepare for the trade deadline
This one includes a hilarious joke about Jaroslav Halak being traded, even though he's the Habs best goalie. As if they would ever do that.
#11 - Signs you are taking way too long to sign your damn free agent contract
In progress.
I hope this doesn't bother you but I have been imagining what you look like naked.
ReplyDeleteThanks, DGB! I needed a good laugh tonight!
ReplyDeleteAs funny as your Toskala article was (and it was hilarious), your greatest moment came in the comments:
ReplyDeleteDown Goes Brown said...
@loosersince67...
Good luck with #1 pick
Ha! Joke's on you! We don't have our #1 pick this year!
Wait... hm. Crap.
I swear to christ I almost died laughing the first time I read that. Good times.
Great list!
ReplyDeleteI should mention (with absolutely zero bias)that the order is a bit mixed up though...5 and 9 should be 1 and 2.
Also an unbiased opinion? I look great in short pants!
Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteYou and Bloge should auction off an evening with the two of you at a Leafs game. You know, for charity.
I'm a Sens fan, and I'd even bid on that. I'd probably overpay too. Or at least give too long of a term. Or both.
Please kill me.
I just want to say that I proudly witnessed Down Goes Brown and Bloge Salming meeting for the first time.
ReplyDeleteRe #4
ReplyDeleteNot exactly timely (Cam Janssen would call it late) and entirely derivative (Jim Rutherford would accuse me of lacking originality), but I tried to come up with an equivalent Rangers menu.
"I like Ballons"
ReplyDeleteSometimes I start giggling over that one for no apparent reason.
Ilya Kovalchuk idea:
ReplyDeleteTeam up with Bloge Salming, to make a parody of the Carmen Sandiego song.
"Where....in-the-world-will......Ilya Kovalchuk go?
Kovalchuk is just waiting to see where LeBron goes
ReplyDelete"Felt Like '93" is your best work, by far. It's all funny, but that was hilarious. I force everyone I know to listen to it.
ReplyDeleteThis is unrelated but... is it wrong that when I saw the offer sheet that the Sharks gave Hjalmarsson, my initial reaction was "That's Jeff Finger money!"?
ReplyDelete@LG...
ReplyDeleteRule of thumb: Anything that involves the phrase "Jeff Finger money" is always wrong.
I´m from Finland but thats no reason for me to like Toskala, I think he can well be the worst Finnish goalie ever played in NHL....
ReplyDeleteHow much did that Kovalchuk punchline cost you?
ReplyDeleteYour Toskala letter made me laugh so hard that I cried. Reading your blog makes me want to be a Leafs fan. Well, almost. :)
ReplyDeletePS What on earth is Kovalchuk wearing on the "bottom"? Is it a sheet? A paisley skirt? Is that a belt?
Though I'm from Finland and like to think that Toskala is a good goalie, I still find the letter very funny and very accurate. Hope he gets one more chance in the NHL. :)
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work! And who really cares about Mikko Koivu?