My initial reaction was that writing anything vaguely amusing these days would be all but impossible. After all, I have Center Ice, a television, and two functioning eyes. Those eyes are red from crying and/or having steel wool jammed into them, but they're still functioning. Unfortunately.
On top of that, optimism isn't really my thing. I've tried it in the past and it didn't go well. I tend to do better at depressing people.
But the people have spoken, and I'm up for a challenge. Let's see if we can't come up with a few positives from all of this.
OK, here we go!
No, wait. I can do this, dammit. Let's make it happen. In honor of the Leafs losing six straight games to start the season, let's see if we can at least come up with six good things about the season so far.
1. When the Leafs signed Mike Komisarek, some people mocked the signing because they said he was a one-dimensional player who couldn't score. It sure didn't take long for him to prove them wrong, did it?
2. Remember how the big story during training camp the last two years was whether the hotshot prospect (Schenn, Kadri) should stay in Toronto or go back to junior, with everyone weighing in and arguing ad nauseum about for weeks? It got kind of annoying, didn't it?
Well imagine how out-of-hand it would be next year with Taylor Hall. Thanks for taking care of that one in advance, Burkie!
3. With every loss, we get closer and closer to the inevitable moment when Ron Wilson responds to a postgame media question by screaming "take his pen!", sprinting across the podium and diving into the press pit like Axl Rose.
The over/under on this happening is December 1st, by the way.
4. After we lose to the Rangers on Saturday, the Leafs don't play for a full week. That's about 165 hours without any action at all. And there's an excellent chance that during that time, our rebuilt defence won't allow more than five or six goals. Eight, tops.
5. Remember back when the Leafs used to make the playoffs, and a critical game would go into overtime? Remember the almost unbearable tension, how it felt like a weight on your chest that threatened to crush you underneath it?
Yeah. You're not going to have to worry about feeling that way again for a long time.
6. Scientists say that eventually the earth will crash into the sun. If Leaf fans have any luck, it could happen tomorrow.
Hmm. I may need to work on this whole "finding the bright side" thing. Luckily it looks like I'll get lots of practice this year.