Ten new events to save the all-star skills competition

When it was Phaneuf's turn, the
targets were hung in the rafters.

While the NHL All-Star weekend has its share of critics, you have to give the league credit for being willing to shake things up. With a brand new fantasy team format highlighted by tonight's schoolyard draft, the league is at least trying to improve on an admittedly stale format.

But have they gone far enough? After all, while the draft may be unique that same creativity hasn't extended to the rest of the weekend. The game itself will be standard all-star fare, and even the skills competition will rely largely on old standbys like accuracy shooting and fastest skater races.

It doesn't have to be that way. The league has an opportunity to really embrace change, and they should take advantage by introducing brand new events to Saturday's skills competition that would really connect with the modern NHL audience.

It's not too late. Here are ten suggestions for new events that the league should move quickly to implement in time for tomorrow night's competition.

Respect The Game - As all the others players enthusiastically hoot, holler and high five each other in reaction to the various events, P.K. Subban curls up in the fetal position and tries desperately to avoid cracking a facial expression. Special celebrity judge: Mike Richards.

Fashion Cents - Fans from around the league will attempt to sprint to the gift shop, find their favourite team's jersey, spend their entire paycheque on it, and then actually put it on and wear it for a few seconds before the team announces that it's replacing it with yet another new design.

Lame Duck - Cory Clouston delivers a fiery motivational speech to members of the Ottawa Senators, who compete to see who can go the longest without rolling their eyes and tuning him out completely. (Note to organizers: this event will require a timer that can measure thousandths of a second.)

Staged Outrage - Two enforcers drop the gloves at center ice immediately after a faceoff, at which point every member of the assembled media scrambles to make the exact same overwrought "staged fights must go" argument. Bonus points will be awarded for volume, repetitiveness, and having your entire column filed before all four gloves have even touched the ice.

What Time Is It, Mr. Snow? - Various KHL stars attempt to sneak up and sign the NHL contract lying at center ice, until Garth Snow appears and they all scatter like rats.

Explaining the Unexplainable - Players try to determine why there should be a minor penalty for delaying the game by shooting the puck into the stands, but not for delaying the game by shooting the puck all the way down the rink for icing even though that takes longer. Anyone player who succeeds will move on to a bonus round called "And what's that trapezoid thing behind the net supposed to accomplish, anyway?"

I'm An Insider, Really! -- A selection of anonymous bloggers are given 30 seconds to randomly point to as many players as possible and claim that they're all being traded for each other according to top secret sources. In the second half of the event, exactly none of those trades happen.

Tie Game In The Third Period - Based on an exciting feature of regular season NHL games, two teams of five will work together to turn a close contest into a three-point game by ensuring that they make it to overtime without a goal being scored. Any player who crosses the opponent's blue line with control of the puck will immediately be benched and replaced with someone who'll dump it in and stay in the neutral zone.

Hey, Why Am I Bleeding? - Various finesse players who have never been in an fight before compete to see who can land the most gloved punches on Tim Gleason before having it occur to them that that's probably a really bad idea.

Head Shot Roulette - A randomly selected player is handed the full text of the NHL's rule 48.1 and is given 30 seconds to attempt to figure out which head shots are actually legal and which are not. As he's thinking, another player sneaks up behind him and hits him over the head with a shovel, at which point everyone laughs and uploads the clip the YouTube.

Looking on the bright side of the Ottawa Senators season

"Yes, we have a plan. It involves us
repeatedly assuring you we have a plan."

The Ottawa Senators may have finally hit rock bottom.

The team has fallen to 27th place, miles out of the playoff spot they'd expected to contend for. They have the worst goal-differential in the entire league. They've lost six in a row at home, most recently an embarrassing 7-1 disaster at the hands of the Montreal Canadiens. The roster is old and expensive. And fans are screaming for heads on a platter.

So sure, things could be better. But is that any reason to get all negative?

Long-time readers know that I reject the online culture of cynical pessimism, and instead choose to always look at the glass as half full. So I reached out to my various contacts within the Ottawa organization, and they helped me put together a list of feel-good stories.

Cheer up, Senator fans. You have so much to be thankful for:

• Team salespeople report that the idea of renewing their season tickets apparently makes Senator fans really happy, since whenever you call to ask them about it they just laugh hysterically into the phone for hours.
  
  
• Making his only start of the season, third-string goalie Mike Brodeur recently gave up four goals in a half game's work and was then immediately sent down to the minors, which this season means he can be referred to as "The Good Brodeur".
  
  
• The players should be rested and ready to go next year thanks to an extended four-month offseason, as opposed to the three-and-a-half-month offseason that they're used to.
  
  
• The team has saved a ton of money on their office supplies budget in recent years by just giving every new coach the same generic "miscellaneous interim head coach" business cards.
  
  
• Let's just say that the franchise-record seven-year streak of not losing to the Maple Leafs in the playoffs shows absolutely no sign of ending any time in the next decade.
  
  
• The team is almost certain to have a top ten pick at this year's draft, so get ready to say hello to the next Brian Lee.
  
  
• Veteran defenceman Sergei Gonchar is having a career year, in the sense that at his age it's pretty much a given that every other season over the rest of his career will be even worse than this one.
  
  
• All in all, you have to admit that the players have actually done a pretty good job of dealing with the crushing pressure of playing for the city's third most popular NHL team.
  
  
• Anyone who's watched him play recently would agree that Alexei Kovalev is ridiculously, embarrassingly, horrifically overpaid at $5 million per year, which should make it especially entertaining when he gets $6 or $7 million as a free agent this summer from the Rangers.
  
  
• Thanks to the purchase of an insurance policy that pays $100 for each Pascal Leclaire injury, the team will turn a profit on the season of roughly seven billion dollars.
  
  
• The front office is unlikely to have to make any offseason choices between a future Norris winner and a future overpaid minor leaguer, which is good news since they tend to have a little bit of trouble with that one.
  
  
• Daniel Alfredsson just guaranteed that no team would be crazy enough to give up anything decent for a struggling 38-year-old with two more years left on his contract, so, ka-ching!
  
  
• Ownership is confident that the community will continue to support the franchise during a rebuilding phase, since other than the Rough Riders, Rebel, Loggers, Lynx, Renegades and maybe a dozen more at the most, Ottawa sports fans have never abandoned a losing team.
  
  
• They're about to embark on a thorough rebuilding of an Ontario-based team under the leadership of a former Anaheim Ducks general manager -- how could that ever go wrong?

The signs of the hockey zodiac

Now a locker room Gemini.

If you've been around a water cooler recently, you've heard the apparently stunning news that's rocked the astrological world: thanks to a shift in the earth's axis, many of us now have new zodiac signs.

Does any of that matter to you? If you're a hockey fan, no, it doesn't. That's because diehard fans have long had their own unique set of astrological signs. Forget Scorpio and Capricorn; hockey fans have a better system that more closely aligns with the ups and downs of the NHL calendar.

On the off chance that you're a new fan or could use a quick refresher course, here's a rundown of the hockey world's zodiac signs.

Sign of the Opening Night (October) - You're an optimistic spirit who chooses to see the best in people. You're willing to let the mistakes of the past stay in the past, and you believe that everyone deserves a fresh start. You know that you'll never be perfect, but you also understand that you can't obsess over every little thing.

Sign of the Long Season (November) - You obsess over every little thing. You spend hours staring at yourself in the mirror, noting every flaw and wondering how it's possible that you didn't notice them until now. You're haunted by a nagging sense that you were a fool for thinking things might actually work out for once. You probably drink too much.

Sign of the World Juniors (December) - You're a shining example of the power of youthful exuberance. Emotional and excitable, you enjoy sprinting around and jumping into a wall whenever something goes well. You like to travel the world, even though everyone agrees that you'd probably be better off if you just stayed in Canada. You're really mean to Norwegian kids.

Sign of the All-Star (January) - You're constantly reinventing yourself in an attempt to stay cool. Rich businessmen and small children love you, although everyone else finds you sort of tedious. Every time you hold a party, everyone spends weeks arguing about one or two friends that you forgot to invite. People often fake injuries to avoid you.

Sign of the Olympics (February) - You're a world traveller who doesn't come around very often. Everybody loves you, even though you occasionally have an annoying habit of showing up at 3:00 in the morning. Whenever you attend an event that ends up being a huge success, you like to pretend you're not going to come back even though nobody believes you.

Sign of the Trade Deadline (March) - Everybody is endlessly fascinated by you, and they love to watch and analyze your every move in excruciating detail. Friends describe getting incredibly excited at the mere thought that you're near. But when you finally arrive, everyone feels strangely underwhelmed and mutters "Wait, I faked being too sick to come in to work for that?"

Sign of the Stretch Run (April) - Forget fun and games; you believe that it's time to get serious. You can be unpleasant and even downright cruel, and you've been known to break a few hearts along the way, but nobody wants to be left off of your dance card. Deep down, though, you can't shake the feeling that everyone is just using you to get to something better.

Sign of the Playoffs (May) - You have a beard, and you enjoy shaking hands. You're intense and unpredictable, with exhilarating highs and excruciating lows. You can be almost unbearably difficult, but for those willing to persevere through the tough times you offer the possibility of unmatched happiness that makes it all worth it. You don't hang out with Maple Leaf fans.

Sign of the Draft (June) - You're a long-term thinker who likes to plant seeds for the future and watch them grow. You have pimples, a bad haircut, a cheap suit and a disturbingly gigantic neck, and you absolutely will not put on a hat without bending it for five minutes first. You also don't hang out with Maple Leaf fans.

Sign of Free Agency (July) - The good news: You're a shopaholic who loves the thrill of the hunt. The bad news: You usually make terrible financial decisions that will take you years to fix. Everyone warns you about this, of course, but you just can't seem to help yourself. You would probably be a lot better of if you avoided talking with Russian people.

Sign of the Offseason (August) - You are incredibly dull and nobody likes you.

Sign of the Preseason (September) - You are full of the inner peace that can only come with a new beginning, and you believe that a brighter future may be right around the corner. You trust in the power of youth and feel that all things are possible, even for people that you just met. You embrace hope, you dream big dreams, and you eventually make the cutest little whimpering noise when reality inevitably comes along and mercilessly stomps little holes in your soul.

Tips for dominating the NHL All-Star fantasy draft

You finish the bottle, Alex.
I prefer to drink from a cup.

The NHL is gearing up for the first ever All-Star Game player draft, to be held next Friday in Carolina. The innovative format will see two captains appointed this week who will choose the teams for the skills competition and all-star game in a schoolyard style draft.

The draft concept has never been tried before, and it remains to be seen how much strategy the players will actually put into it. Still, fans are no doubt hoping that the two captains will spend hours agonizing over their cheat sheets, just like we do before our own fantasy drafts.

It probably won't happen that way, but just in case here are some tips for building a winning team.

A half dozen to target
These six players could be well-suited for the weekend's events, and should be moved up draft boards.

Phil Kessel - Will finally have a chance to shake his reputation as a lazy and one-dimensional player, thanks to casual fans who mistake him for Ryan Kesler.

Tobias Enstrom - Selecting him pretty much ensures that your squad will earn a narrow 1-0 victory in the skills competition's "Correctly pick Tobias Enstrom out of a police lineup" event.

Alexander Ovechkin - Has apparently been saving up all his "marquee event" success for this one game, based on his recent performances in the playoffs, Winter Classic and the Olympics.

Erik Karlsson - All-star games are often criticized for featuring porous goaltending, lacklustre back-checking, and players who can't even be bothered to pretend that they care about the outcome, so Karlsson's basically already played in 40 of them this year.

Matt Duchene - Was born in 1991, so he won't be weighed down by memories of when All-Star weekend didn't need a bunch of gimmicks to make it entertaining.

Gregory Campbell - No, he's not technically one of the players selected for the game. But let's just say he'd be a smart sleeper pick for any captains who were thinking that it might be nice to cross-check David Steckel in the head the next time they saw him without getting suspended, Sidney.

A half dozen to stay away from
These players, although talented, should probably be avoided on draft night.

David Backes - Could put his team in penalty trouble, since things like "back checking" and "shot blocking" and "breaking a sweat" are all automatic five-minute majors in all-star competition.

Jarome Iginla - May have trouble adjusting, as he has almost entirely forgotten what it's like to play with halfway decent teammates.

Steven Stamkos - May help his team during the game, but could seriously hurt your chances during the skills competition's "Actually manage to stay upright during a penalty shot" event.

Brad Richards - If you draft him, you're just going to end up spending the rest of the weekend denying media reports that he's about to be traded to other team.

Mike Green - Yeah, good luck making it to the arena on a scooter in Nascar country.

Carey Price - Is unlikely to have the opportunity to do his infamous arms-crossed pose during the game, since he typically only does that after making a save.

A few final words of advice
Keep these general strategy tips in mind to ensure your draft goes smoothly.

• If you're drafting second, do not point out that simply alternating picks is unfair and that each side should really get back-to-back picks after round one. You're right, but nobody wants to hear about it, Pythagoras.
  
  
• Early on, loudly ask if Evgeni Malkin has been taken, wait for everyone to scratch him off their lists, then choose somebody else instead and pick Malkin 10 rounds later. This has worked in every hockey draft ever held.
  
  
• Be aware that if they wind up on different teams, the mischievous Sedin twins might try to switch places during the game as a light-hearted practical joke. Avoid this possibility by drafting one, then immediately pinning him to the ground and scrawling "Henrik" on his forehead with a prison-style homemade tattoo gun. (Note: Bonus points if you do this after drafting Daniel.)
  
  
• Finally, remember that the draft will be televised, so there's a good chance that Patrik Elias' family will be watching. A few times during the first 41 picks, be sure to act like you're really considering taking him before you go ahead and choose a player who's still good.

Do's and Don'ts for GMs on the hot seat

"Ooh, look at me with my paint brush helmet,
and... He's standing right behind me, isn't he?"

It's not exactly a fun time to be an NHL general manager these days. In a growing number of cities around the league, some of the game's most respected executives are facing harsh criticism, intense pressure to improve their rosters, and even outright calls for their dismissal.

Bryan Murray is watching his team implode before his eyes. Brian Burke is under constant fire in Toronto. Jay Feaster has been handed a mess to clean up in Calgary. And even previously untouchable veterans like Darcy Regier and Lou Lamoriello are seeing their reputations tarnished thanks to underperforming teams.

What's a struggling general manager to do? Well, a few things, actually. And since surveys tell me that a majority of my readership consists of current NHL front office executives, I thought I'd help them out by putting together some tips to guide struggling GMs through difficult times.

DO: Attempt to quickly improve your roster by phoning any colleagues who you think might be willing to part with star players cheaply.
DO NOT: Angrily call your service provider demanding to know why Darryl Sutter doesn't seem to be returning any of your voicemails.

DO: Arrange to deliver a motivational speech to the team before their next game.
DO NOT: Pause before you begin speaking, look slowly around the room, and then ask the head coach "What happened, did all the good players call in sick today?"

DO: Seek to create more cap room by making creative use of waivers, minor league assignments, and buyouts.
DO NOT: Seek to create more cap room by putting rocks in a sleeping Ilya Kovalchuk's pockets and rolling him into the Passaic River.

DO: Reassure the team's owner that you have everything under control.
DO NOT: Try to end the conversation prematurely by making static noises and saying "this reception is terrible, I can barely hear you", especially since he's sitting across from you in your office.

DO NOT: Make a trade just for the sake of making a trade.
DO: Be sure to remind every reporter you speak to that you don't intend to make a trade just for the sake of making a trade. Several times a day, if possible. Until the end of time.

DO: Ask your assistant GM whether he has any ideas for improving the team in the short term.
DO NOT: Ask your assistant GM why he keeps pulling out a tape measure and taking measurements around your office as you're talking to him.

DO: Hang up the phone immediately if Bryan Murray calls to ask if you'd be interested in trading for Sergei Gonchar.
DO NOT: Forget to set your phone on fire and beat it with a baseball bat immediately afterwards, just in case.

DO NOT: Callously throw your underachieving franchise player under the bus.
DO: Show the proper respect for your underachieving franchise player's many years of loyal service to the team by, instead, gently and lovingly placing him under the bus.

DO: Pop your head into the owner's office and say "Hey, you're doing a TV interview with Pierre McGuire right now? That's a great way to get a positive message out to our fans!"
DO NOT: Put too much thought into why McGuire responds "Uh, yeah, TV interview…" while awkwardly sliding his resume under a file folder.

DO: Answer any questions about your coach's job security by emphatically telling reporters "I want to be absolutely clear, we are not so much as even considering a coaching change at this particular moment".
DO NOT: Follow that by pausing briefly, looking at your watch, and then saying "OK, this particular moment is over now, right?"