Buyers and sellers at the 2013 NHL trade deadline

In hindsight, Luongo realized that getting Gillis
to promise to have him in a new uniform by
March may not have been specific enough.

The annual NHL trade deadline is Wednesday, which literally everybody who would ever visit this site already knows and has read 300 articles about, but I have to mention it anyways because this is what us professional writers refer to as a "topical lead".

Anyways, that means it's time for a mandatory roundup of which teams are buyers and which are sellers.

Buyer: Toronto Maple Leafs - Are rumored to be in the market for a veteran goaltender due to concerns about James Reimer's glove hand; specifically, the way he keeps using it to point to his statistics while saying "Seriously, you guys would be insane to trade for a goaltender right now".

Seller: Calgary Flames - Jay Feaster is expected to be extremely active on deadline day and finalize deals with as many as a half dozen different teams, and that's just for Jay Bouwmeester.

Buyer: Anaheim Ducks - Will be looking for fourth-liners who don't know the meaning of the word "can't" and veterans who don't know the meaning of the word "quit" and potential season ticket subscribers who don't know the meaning of the word "regression".

Seller: San Jose Sharks - Ryan Clowe would be a perfect addition to the dressing room of a contender, since he's the not the sort of guy who'll come in and suddenly disrupt team chemistry with a whole lot of selfish talk about how many goals he's scored this season.

Read the rest of this post...

The secret agenda from this week's GM meetings

While Burke's new acquisition was only 10 inches
tall and completely immobile, the critics had to
agree that he did upgrade the goaltending.

The NHL held its annual general managers meeting this week, as 30 of the most powerful men in the league gathered in Toronto for a discussion of various league issues.

But what exactly were they talking about? As always, the meeting was closed to the media. And while some GMs did offer brief comments to reporters about what was discussed, league policy is that the official agenda is never released to the public.

Until now, that is. DGB spies were in attendance, and they were able to pass on a copy of the full day's schedule:

9:00 a.m. - Opening remarks from Gary Bettman: "Well, at least we're not the NBA!"

9:30 a.m. - Opening remarks from Donald Fehr: "… for one more year."

10:00 a.m. - Buffalo GM Darcy Regier presents an argument in favour of stricter penalties for hits against goaltenders such as the recent one by Milan Lucic against Ryan Miller, including an ominous threat that the Sabres may now be forced to seek retribution during their next game against Boston.

10:02 a.m. - Everyone in the room tries really hard to keep a straight face at the idea that the Sabres have anyone on the roster who's going to scare the Bruins.

10:03 a.m. - Everyone fails.

Read the rest of this post...

Do's and Don'ts for GMs on the hot seat

"Ooh, look at me with my paint brush helmet,
and... He's standing right behind me, isn't he?"

It's not exactly a fun time to be an NHL general manager these days. In a growing number of cities around the league, some of the game's most respected executives are facing harsh criticism, intense pressure to improve their rosters, and even outright calls for their dismissal.

Bryan Murray is watching his team implode before his eyes. Brian Burke is under constant fire in Toronto. Jay Feaster has been handed a mess to clean up in Calgary. And even previously untouchable veterans like Darcy Regier and Lou Lamoriello are seeing their reputations tarnished thanks to underperforming teams.

What's a struggling general manager to do? Well, a few things, actually. And since surveys tell me that a majority of my readership consists of current NHL front office executives, I thought I'd help them out by putting together some tips to guide struggling GMs through difficult times.

DO: Attempt to quickly improve your roster by phoning any colleagues who you think might be willing to part with star players cheaply.
DO NOT: Angrily call your service provider demanding to know why Darryl Sutter doesn't seem to be returning any of your voicemails.

DO: Arrange to deliver a motivational speech to the team before their next game.
DO NOT: Pause before you begin speaking, look slowly around the room, and then ask the head coach "What happened, did all the good players call in sick today?"

DO: Seek to create more cap room by making creative use of waivers, minor league assignments, and buyouts.
DO NOT: Seek to create more cap room by putting rocks in a sleeping Ilya Kovalchuk's pockets and rolling him into the Passaic River.

DO: Reassure the team's owner that you have everything under control.
DO NOT: Try to end the conversation prematurely by making static noises and saying "this reception is terrible, I can barely hear you", especially since he's sitting across from you in your office.

DO NOT: Make a trade just for the sake of making a trade.
DO: Be sure to remind every reporter you speak to that you don't intend to make a trade just for the sake of making a trade. Several times a day, if possible. Until the end of time.

DO: Ask your assistant GM whether he has any ideas for improving the team in the short term.
DO NOT: Ask your assistant GM why he keeps pulling out a tape measure and taking measurements around your office as you're talking to him.

DO: Hang up the phone immediately if Bryan Murray calls to ask if you'd be interested in trading for Sergei Gonchar.
DO NOT: Forget to set your phone on fire and beat it with a baseball bat immediately afterwards, just in case.

DO NOT: Callously throw your underachieving franchise player under the bus.
DO: Show the proper respect for your underachieving franchise player's many years of loyal service to the team by, instead, gently and lovingly placing him under the bus.

DO: Pop your head into the owner's office and say "Hey, you're doing a TV interview with Pierre McGuire right now? That's a great way to get a positive message out to our fans!"
DO NOT: Put too much thought into why McGuire responds "Uh, yeah, TV interview…" while awkwardly sliding his resume under a file folder.

DO: Answer any questions about your coach's job security by emphatically telling reporters "I want to be absolutely clear, we are not so much as even considering a coaching change at this particular moment".
DO NOT: Follow that by pausing briefly, looking at your watch, and then saying "OK, this particular moment is over now, right?"

A look at the agenda for today's NHL general managers meeting

Hello, complaints hotline?
This breadstick tastes terrible!

All 30 NHL general managers will be in Toronto today for their annual discussion on the state of the game. And while that may sound like just another boring business meeting, there could be some fireworks this year.

The meeting has become an important part of the league calendar, as it gives each GM an opportunity to let his colleagues know what's on his mind. And this year, many of the league's highest profile general managers appear to have plenty that they want to get off their chests.

According to sources, every general manager was given the opportunity to submit one agenda item for discussion. Here's a sampling of what's been bothering several of the league's biggest front office names:

Don Maloney, Phoenix Coyotes - The use of social media by players like Paul Bissonnette violates our league marketing policy by allowing fans to become aware of the existence of players other than Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin.

Doug Wilson, San Jose Sharks - We'd like to rescind our previous support for the league's new policy on headshots, as we were not told that those rules might be enforced against players on our roster.

Dale Tallon, Florida Panthers - We must institute a detailed coach's review system for initiating replays on all goals scored by Colton Orr, because man, you just know that guy did something.

Glen Sather, New York Rangers - We should definitely renew that league bylaw that prevents teams from firing general managers. Wait, we don't have that rule? Seriously? Wow.

Lou Lamoriello, New Jersey Devils - Hey guys, remember in the summer when you said you'd veto the Ilya Kovalchuk contract if there was any evidence of collusion? Well, craziest thing, but guess what I found behind the filing cabinet this morning?

Steve Tambellini, Edmonton Oilers - That whole thing with the jersey number was bad enough, but now Taylor Hall is obsessed with getting Kevin Lowe's executive parking spot too.

George McPhee, Washington Capitals - Hey, what if just to mix it up this year we gave the President's Trophy to the team that won four playoff rounds and the Stanley Cup to whoever wound up with the most regular season points?

Ken Holland, Detroit Red Wings - In an attempt to reduce the role of the shootout, maybe we could try a radical new system in which tie games would be settled by playing actual hockey.

Dean Lombardi, Los Angeles Kings - We must move quickly to institute a limit on the length and value of contract extensions for third year players, or at least convince Drew Doughty's agent that we did.

Greg Sherman, Colorado Avalanche - Look, I know I'm not exactly a veteran here, but I've been on the job for over a year now so it would be cool if I could sit at the big table with you guys instead of at this little folding table off to the side and … no? OK, just checking, I guess I'll be over here if anyone needs me.

Brian Burke, Toronto Maple Leafs - We must find a way to prevent fans from doing disgraceful things like booing Dion Phaneuf, and get them to start doing more reasonable things like booing the entire team, coaching staff, and front office.

Chuck Fletcher, Minnesota Wild - You know that whole thing about the sins of the father being visited upon the son? That doesn't apply to Jeff Finger, right?

Joe Nieuwendyk, Dallas Stars - Just spitballing here, but maybe we could spend a few minutes trying to figure out what the Hall of Fame selection committee's problem is.

Darcy Regier, Buffalo Sabres - Instead of waiting until the first week of November, we should consider having the season start in early October. Wait, what do you mean we already do that? But we told our players that… Uh oh.