Homecoming week: Dany Heatley vs. Lebron James

Eventually, the "point to a douchebag"
contest was declared a draw.

Thursday will mark a homecoming night in two sports, as a pair of former franchise players make their heavily anticipated returns to the cities they abandoned.

In Cleveland, Lebron James and his Miami Heat will visit the Cavaliers for the first time since the NBA star memorably announced that he would take his talents to South Beach. North of the border, meanwhile, Dany Heatley and the Sharks will make their first appearance in Ottawa since the sniper demanded a trade last summer.

While there's certainly some overlap between the two situations and it will tempting to lump them together, they're far from identical. Here's a primer on some of the similarities as well as the subtle differences between the highly anticipated returns of Lebron James and Dany Heatley.

Lebron James: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Cleveland's reputation as "mind-numbingly boring" and "soul-crushingly dull" and "completely and utterly devoid of anything even slightly resembling a pulse".
Dany Heatley: His decision to leave may have been influenced by Ottawa's reputation as "a great option for people who can't handle the excitement of Cleveland".

Lebron James: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Cleveland was forced to reconsider the massive "We Are All Witness" banner that had dominated the downtown skyline since 2005.
Dany Heatley: Once it was apparent he would be leaving, Ottawa was forced to reconsider the "Stanley Cup Champion" banners Daniel Alfredsson has been pre-ordering prior to every season since 1999.

Lebron James: By moving to Miami to play second fiddle to Dwyane Wade, revealed himself to be an athlete so lacking in competitive fire that he'd be willing to passively ride another player's coattails to a championship.
Dany Heatley: By moving to San Jose to play second fiddle to Joe Thornton, revealed himself to be no such thing.

Lebron James: Diehard Cavalier fans are expected to boo him mercilessly as soon as he steps onto the court.
Dany Heatley: Diehard Senator fans are expected to boo him mercilessly as soon as he accidentally blocks their view of Spartacat's hot dog gun.

Lebron James: Explained his decision during an hour-long special broadcast on national television, outraging fans and media and doing significant damage to his well-crafted reputation.
Dany Heatley: Wisely avoided that scenario by never explaining his decision, to anyone, ever.

Lebron James: Has recently attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Nike.
Dany Heatley: Has recently attempted to rehabilitate his image in commercials for the league's biggest corporate sponsor, Frankie's Used Car Emporium in Skokie, Illinois.

Lebron James: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as "How will this effect my endorsement opportunities?" and "How will the local tax laws impact my earnings?"
Dany Heatley: Apparently based his preferred destination on such considerations as "This place isn't Edmonton, right?" and "No seriously, you're absolutely positive it's not Edmonton?"

Lebron James: Would famously make a handful of chalk disappear into thin air before every home game.
Dany Heatley: Would famously make $4 million of Eugene Melnyk's money disappear into thin air every Canada Day.

Lebron James: Was recently embroiled in further controversy after he appeared to lower his shoulder and initiate physical contact with his own coach.
Dany Heatley: Has never been accused of initiating physical contact with anybody.

Lebron James: Left as an unrestricted free agent, meaning his former team received absolutely nothing as compensation for his departure.
Dany Heatley: Was traded for Milan Michalek and Jonathan Cheechoo, meaning his former team received absolutely nothing as compensation for his departure.

Lebron James: Helped lead Cleveland to the franchise's first and only appearance in the finals in 2007.
Dany Heatley: Helped lead Ottawa to the franchise's first and only appearance in the finals in 2007, although if you're talking to a Senators fan it's easier to just pretend that you think accomplishments by a different team with the same name from 100 years ago still somehow count.

Lebron James: Along with Wade, made it a top priority to ensure that former Raptor power forward Chris Bosh would also sign a free agent deal in Miami.
Dany Heatley: Prefers to pick up his own coffee and dry-cleaning.

Democracy doesn't work: All-star voting through the years

Did we say all-stars? Maybe we
should have said "mostly stars".

This week saw the release of the first batch of results of fan voting for the 2011 all-star game. With this year's game featuring a creative new format that will see players divided up with a schoolyard-style draft, fans are paying close attention to the voting results as they come in.

The numbers so far have certainly given us plenty to talk about. Fans have organized write-in campaigns for players ranging from Paul Bissonnette to Sean Avery to Carey Price. Meanwhile, so-called star players such as Ilya Kovalchuk and Vincent Lecavalier trail far behind.

Debating the all-star votes has become an annual tradition that dates back to the inception of fan-chosen teams in 1986. Here's a look back at some of the more memorable moments in fan voting over the years.

November, 2008 - Montreal Canadien fans launch a ballot-stuffing campaign they discretely refer to as "Operation let's get a mediocre defenceman elected to the all-star team and then see if the Maple Leafs will massively overpay him in free agency".

December, 2006 - The NHL scoffs at accusations that they've tampered with the results of the balloting after announcing that a record 100% of fans have cast their vote for Gregory Campbell.

January, 1987 - Despite your careful efforts to punch the ballot just right and then hand it to the patiently waiting usher, you are devastated to learn that your childhood hero has not been selected for the game. Years later you will pinpoint the experience as the exact moment you learned the lifelong lesson that voting for things that are important to you is a complete waste of time.

February, 2009 - Three weeks after the all-star game is played, mailed-in ballots from Blackhawks general manager Dale Tallon begin arriving at league headquarters.

January, 1997 - Claude Lemieux is flattered to learn that he has been named a starter on the Western Conference team thanks to a write-in campaign organized by Detroit Red Wing fans, although that feeling fades somewhat when he realizes that the same campaign has also elected Eastern Conference starters Rob Ray, Tie Domi, and an angry Doberman.

December, 2008 - Rick DiPietro casts a vote for himself, then spends six months on injured reserve due to the resulting paper cut.

January, 2001 - Defenceman Mark Eaton is the runaway vote leader in fan balloting, causing the league to rethink that season's heavily criticized "Delaware vs. The World" format.

December, 2009 - Attempts by Calgary ownership to encourage fans to flood the league office with write-in votes for Flames players goes awry when the players mistakenly assume the slogan "This Year, Let's All Mail It In!" is the team's new mission statement.

January, 2004 - A concerted write-in campaign by Ottawa Senator fans results in the entire Eastern Conference starting lineup consisting of variations of the phrase "Leafs suck".

January, 1993 - The league's efforts to encourage grade school children to vote backfires when the two starting goaltending spots are won in a landslide by Ron Tugnutt and Daren Puppa.

October, 1998 - The NHL's first attempt at online voting proves unpopular with fans, mainly due to its requirement that fans log in to the web site, click on their favourite player's name, and then mail their computer to the league's head office.

January, 1991 - Chris Nilan is named to the Wales Conference all-star team by head coach Mike Milbury, which would be the funniest joke in this entire piece except that it actually happened.

December, 2008 - Sidney Crosby attempts to cast his vote, but is thwarted in his efforts to punch the ballot after being unable to locate its crotch.

Gary Bettman's flowchart for dealing with NHL scandals

The NHL is coming off yet another tough week on the PR front. The Colin Campbell email controversy continues to rage, despite the league's best efforts to assure everyone that it's no big deal.

Of course, the Campbell story is only the latest in a growing list of controversies that Gary Bettman's administration has had to deal with recently. We saw the messy accusations of bias against referee Stephane Auger earlier this year. The Phoenix Coyotes saga continues to drag on with no end in sight. And let's not even get into the seemingly endless parade of owners who find themselves embroiled in various financial conflicts.

But to his credit, Bettman doesn't let those close to him off the hook. Just like players and coaches, league officials are held to high standards and can face serious repercussions for stepping out of line. The league has a strict policy in place for ensuring accountability and they follow it to the letter. Last week's Campbell situation was only the latest example.

Here, thanks to my spies at the NHL head office, is the league's official document for handling high-level scandals and controversies.

Larger version / download

The Code: Hockey's unwritten rules revealed

Wait, I think one of us might be
doing it wrong.

Hockey fans often hear about the infamous "unwritten code" that governs fighting in the NHL. Any time there's an incident involving punches being thrown, you can count on someone making reference to The Code and whether a particular player's actions have violated it.

Unfortunately, it's a myth.

No, not the existence of The Code itself. It's the "unwritten" part that everyone has wrong. In reality, The Code has been written down in detail and passed on from one generation of NHL tough guys to the next. Every enforcer in the league has a copy; they just don't let us see it.

Until now, that is. I've obtained a tattered copy of The Code, and transcribed it below. It's time that hockey fans knew the truth.

***

Dear enforcer,

Welcome to the league. In your role as an NHL tough guy, you will be expected to conduct yourself according to a traditional set of rules and procedures. We call them The Code, and they are the rules we live by.

Please read The Code carefully and thoroughly, and follow it at all times.

Weight classes
All players shall be divided into the following weight classes, listed in descending order of toughness:

• Heavyweight
  
• Cruiserweight
  
• Middleweight
  
• Lightweight
  
• Doug Weight

Choosing an opponent
The Code dictates that players should stay within their weight class whenever possible. For example, a heavyweight may only fight:

• Another heavyweight
  
• A cruiserweight who has instigated the confrontation
  
• A lightweight who has attempted to injure a teammate
  
• An overweight Flyers fan who has fallen into the penalty box.
  
• The nagging feeling that your job will no longer exist in three years.

Rules of engagement
Any of the following phrases, when spoken directly to an opponent, shall be taken as a invitation to fight:

• "Let's go."
  
• "Wanna drop the gloves?"
  
• "Would you like hear a detailed rundown of my fantasy draft?"
  
• "Whoa oh oh, this is Canada's team!"
  
• "I don't know, Paul, to be honest I find your twitter account sort of juvenile and repetitive."

When to fight
It is considered appropriate to initiate a fight when:

• Your team has lost momentum at home, and you want to wake up the crowd
  
• An opponent has committed a serious offence for which immediate retribution is required
  
• You suddenly realize that you haven't been mentioned on Coach's Corner in almost three weeks
  
• Colin Campbell e-mailed you and told you to. (Note: It's probably a good idea to delete the e-mail afterwards)

When not to fight
Avoid fighting under inappropriate circumstances, such as when:

• The coach has given you specific instructions not to
  
• Late in a close game, when an instigator penalty could result in a crucial powerplay goal
  
• Your opponent is not expecting it, since he's busy listening to the national anthem
  
• Some other completely inappropriate time, such as the playoffs

Punishable acts
Any of the following acts shall be deemed in violation of The Code, and deserving of an immediate punch in the face:

• Shooting a puck towards the net after a whistle
  
• Spraying snow on a goalie who has covered the puck
  
• Revealing the ending to "The Wire" to someone who hasn't finished watching the DVDs yet
  
• Attempting that cheap breakaway move from NHL 94
  
• Being Sean Avery

Removal of equipment
If, in the moments immediately preceding a fight, an opposing player:

• Removes his gloves: You must do the same
  
• Removes his helmet and visor: You should do the same
  
• Removes his elbow pad: You may do the same if you choose to
  
• Removes his shirt and pants: You should consider the possibility that you are not actually in a fight and have instead accidentally wandered into Patrick Kane's limousine

When the fight is over
An altercation is considered over as soon as any of the following occur:

• The linesmen make their first effort to intervene
  
• One or both players goes to the ice
  
• The opponent's trainer asks if you could hold off hitting him for a few seconds while they get him on to the stretcher
  
• The Minnesota Wild fan gets a hand free and starts dialling his lawyer on his cell phone
  
• Pretty much as soon as it begins, if you are Matt Carkner and the other guy is Colton Orr

This concludes The Code. Remember, memorize its rules and follow them at all times.

(Unless, you know, somebody makes you really mad. Then just go ahead and do whatever you want.)

A look inside Colin Campbell's inbox

"Wait, these e-mails seem fake. I didn't
know Marc Savard had a blog..."

The NHL was plunged into controversy this week after three-year-old internal emails between director of hockey operations Colin Campbell and former director of officiating Stephen Walkom were exposed by Toronto blogger Tyler Dellow.

At worst, the emails indicate that Campbell could be biased. At best, they paint him as a hands-on boss who was sending Walkom a steady stream of frank feedback on how games should be called.

Campbell may not have learned from past mistakes, as explosive new emails between Campbell and his staff have emerged today.

From: Colin Campbell
To: Stephen Walkom
Hey Stephen, did you happen to catch the Bruins game? I have several pages of feedback on the officiating I'd like to discuss with you.

From: Stephen Walkom
To: Colin Campbell
Colin, we've been over this. I quit as the director of officiating in 2009 and went back to refereeing. You need to email my replacement, Terry Gregson.

From: Colin Campbell
To: Stephen Walkom
Right, right, I forgot. Say, refresh my memory, why did you quit again?

From: Stephen Walkom
To: Colin Campbell
Oh, no reason.

From: Colin Campbell
To: Terry Gregson
T-Greg!

From: Terry Gregson
To: Colin Campbell
Oh bloody hell. Um, I mean…. Vacation alert! I will be out of the office, returning in … uh… May.

From: Colin Campbell
To: Terry Gregson
Nice try Terry! Look, I want to chat about last night's Bruins game. I've started watching every single one of their games this year, for no particular reason, and I'm not crazy about how some of them are being called.

From: Terry Gregson
To: Colin Campbell
OK. Just remember, no names. We don't need some blogger digging around again. Keep it generic.

From: Colin Campbell
To: Terry Gregson
Of course, Terry. I think I know the rules. So anyway, did you see that one play involving the 6-foot-9 Slovak defenceman?

From: Terry Gregson
To: Colin Campbell
OK. See, right there Colie, this is the sort of thing we're talking about.

From: Colin Campbell
To: Terry Gregson
What? That could be anybody!

From: Terry Gregson
To: Stephen Walkom
Have I told you lately that I hate you?

From: Stephen Walkom
To: Terry Gregson
You're on your own, buddy.

From: Colin Campbell
To: Terry Gregson
What's the matter Terry, did you decide to stop replying to my emails? Ha ha!

From: Colin Campbell
To: Terry Gregson
(Seriously, though, if you decided to stop replying to my emails then you're fired.)

From: Terry Gregson
To: Colin Campbell
Sorry, were you emailing me? Strangest thing, I haven't been getting them. They must go straight into my spam filter or something.

From: Terry Gregson
To: Stephen Walkom
By the way, thanks for your help with setting up that spam filter.

From: Stephen Walkom
To: Terry Gregson
It was the least I could do.

From: Colin Campbell
To: Terry Gregson
Really? I swear, everybody I try to email ends up telling me that. There must be some kind of problem with my computer. I'm going to contact tech support and see what's going on.

From: Colin Campbell
To: Tech support
Hi there. I bought a laptop from you guys this year and I'm having email problems.

From: Dean Warren
To: Colin Campbell
Hello sir, my name is Dean. How can I assist you today?

From: Colin Campbell
To: Dean Warren
… Dean?

From: Dean Warren
To: Colin Campbell
Oh. Um. Hmm. This is awkward.

From: Colin Campbell
To: Dean Warren
Hey, look, at least you landed on your feet. No hard feelings, right?

From: Dean Warren
To: Colin Campbell
[Your email was undeliverable, as it triggered the recipient's spam filter.]

From: Colin Campbell
To: Dean Warren
Oh come on!

From: Colin Campbell
To: All NHL referees and alumni
OK everyone, listen up. I've been emailing all of you with detailed feedback about calls against Gregory Cam-uh, against a mysterious unnamed NHL player. But nobody ever replies! Kerry, what's the matter, can't take five minutes from your precious book tour to chat with an old friend?

From: Kerry Fraser
To: Colin Campbell
What? Sorry, I didn't see your email.

From: Colin Campbell
To: Kerry Fraser
Let me guess… spam filter?

From: Kerry Fraser
To: Colin Campbell
Spam what? No, I just have this bad habit of not seeing really important things for no particular reason.

From: Terry Gregson
To: Colin Campbell
So anyway, I've got to go and, um, set my computer on fire.

From: Dean Warren
To: Colin Campbell
Why am I even still on this list?

From: Stephen Walkom
To: Colin Campbell
Unsubscribe.

From: Colin Campbell
To: All NHL referees and alumni
Fine, jerks. I'll find something else to do.

From: Facebook
To: Gregory Campbell
Colin Campbell just tagged you in the photo album "Squeaky clean hits that should never have been penalties".

From: Gregory Campbell
To: Colin Campbell
THIS IS NOT HELPING, DAD!