So you've become a hockey fan: Gary Bettman's post-Winter Classic FAQ

If you're a terrible commissioner and you
know it, karate chop an invisible midget.

After months of anticipation, the 2011 outdoor Winter Classic has come and gone. Thanks in part to HBO's behind-the-scenes 24/7 Penguins/Capitals documentary, this year's version of the NHL's showcase event was a big win for the league -- the most watched regular season game in the United States in over 30 years.

Great. So what now? How does the NHL capitalize on that success?

It won't surprise fans to learn that Gary Bettman has a plan. While I can't reveal my sources, I've come into possession of a top secret memo that Bettman recently sent to deputy commissioner Bill Daly.

***

Well Bill, the Winter Classic looks like it was an unqualified success. The ratings were fantastic, the fans had a great time, and the HBO 24/7 series was a huge hit. I think it's safe to assume that we'll be seeing a massive influx of new fans any day now.

To help our new fans understand the NHL, I took the liberty of putting together a list of frequently asked questions. Please give it a once over, and then have a copy mailed to every household in the United States. Overnight delivery. Thanks.

Commissioner Bettman, I really enjoyed the Winter Classic and 24/7, and am now considering becoming an NHL fan. However, I find the sport very confusing and I'm having trouble figuring out what's going on.
You and me both! But don't worry, it's easy enough to figure out if you sit through a few games, I'm told. And just to make it as simple as possible, I'll be glad to walk you through any questions you may have.

First things first: Are there other NHL teams besides the Penguins and Capitals?
Nope!

Wait, really?
OK, sure, in the strictest technical sense there are other teams in the league. In addition to the Penguins and Capitals, there are also the Flyers, Rangers, Red Wings, Blackhawks and… um… the Lakers. Look, it really doesn't matter. Just pay attention to the Penguins and Capitals and everyone will be happy.

Cool, so both those teams will have long playoff runs?
You know what, maybe just focus on the Penguins.

OK, so I'm watching my first post-Classic hockey game. What are the key differences I should be looking for?
Well, for one thing the game is indoors. The coaches aren't dressed like characters from an Archie comic. And there's a good chance that there's only a few hundred people in the stands. Other than that, though, it's pretty much the same.

Wait, did you say the game is indoors? Because it looks like it's raining even harder than it was at the Classic.
You must be watching a Devils home game. Those are the fans' tears.

Why is the puck sliding all around in this game instead of bouncing around randomly like a ping pong ball?
That's what happens when the games are played on a substance called "ice", instead of a slushy mess. It can make the game pretty boring, since the puck always goes where the players are trying to make it go. But don't worry, by the time the playoffs get here everything will be back to how you're used to.

I enjoyed the Winter Classic, but why was it played at night? I much prefer watching sports in the afternoon.
I know, right? Never fear, the Winter Classic was only played at night because of last-minute weather concerns. Rest assured that every other NBC game you ever see will take place in the afternoon.

Awesome! Even when it starts getting hot and all my neighbours are outside barbecuing and having fun?
Especially when it starts getting hot and all your neighbours are outside barbecuing and having fun!

One thing I didn't appreciate about 24/7 was all the swearing. Will I have to put up with that during every NHL game?
No. HBO aired uncensored clips of players and coaches, but those are never included in typical NHL broadcasts. You won't have to worry about being assaulted by a stream of increasingly frantic f-bombs during a regular game, unless you happen to be sitting next to a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.

Toronto? There are teams in Canada?
Next question!

OK Gary, bottom line: I'm a busy sports fan and I have to be pretty selective with what I watch. Why should I become an NHL fan? What can your league offer me that other sports can't?
We play the most beautiful game ever created. No sport has ever combined speed, strength, grace and brutality the way hockey does. Our players are the toughest in the world, we have a rich history, and we compete for the greatest trophy in all of sports.

Meh.
Um… Did I mention we got Stan Lee to draw a bunch of ridiculous superhero characters for all the teams?

I'm in!
Welcome aboard!

What we learned from the premiere of 24/7 Penguins/Capitals:

The show was named after the cumulative
score in a typical seven game series

Wednesday night marked the debut episode of 24/7 Penguins/Capitals: Road to the NHL Winter Classic, the league's latest and perhaps most ambitious attempt to gain traction with casual sports fans south of the border.

The series, part of HBO's successful franchise of sports-based reality shows, will chronicle the Capitals and Penguins in the weeks leading up to their January 1 outdoor showdown at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh. The producers have been given unprecedented access to both teams, and the result is a stunning look inside the inner workings of two of hockey's most popular organizations.

In this week's hour long debut, fans learned plenty about each team and about the league's behind-the-scenes planning for the Winter Classic. While it's difficult to narrow down all the memorable moments we were treated to, here's a list of some of the most stunning revelations from the show so far.

• Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau is apparently a big fan of South Atlantic archipelagos, because every second thing out of his mouth is "Falkland this" and "Falkland that".
  
  
• In an attempt to boost ratings in the all-important youth demographic, the role of Chris Kunitz is being played by Robert Pattinson.
  
  
• Every episode of the series will begin with a moment of silence in memory of the victims of the Jaromir Jagr trade.
  
  
• Winter Classic organizers are being constantly harassed by phone calls from Ty Conklin asking which team he's supposed to be playing for.
  
  
• According to a recent survey, a majority of Washington Capital fans believe that their current losing streak is the absolute worst thing that's happened to the franchise since its inaugural season in 2006.
  
  
• While organizing the traditional pre-Classic alumni game, a bitter dispute over which team should get former star defenceman Sergei Gonchar was interrupted when he sheepishly explained that technically, he's actually still playing in the NHL.
  
  
• The league initially wanted to hold the Winter Classic game in Washington, but could find no evidence that FedEx Field is capable of hosting professional sporting events in January.
  
  
• Sidney Crosby travels with an entourage of three people with tasers who's only job is to immediately shock him if he starts to do or say anything interesting.
  
  
• The NHL's top secret contingency plan in case of a rain storm involves just making all the players skate around holding umbrellas.
  
  
• Washington owner Ted Leonsis is convinced that the Capitals' current losing streak is his fault for not blogging hard enough, and has tearfully vowed to blog harder than ever before.
  
  
• Gary Bettman has already met privately with the game's officials to instruct them to call a tight game, avoid any questionable calls, and make sure the game comes down to a shootout between Ovechkin and Crosby if they ever want to see their missing families again.
  
  
• ESPN has committed to devoting more coverage to the Winter Classic than they have for any other NHL game of the post-lockout era, thanks to the presence of an intern in the third deck recording video clips on his iPhone.
  
  
• So yeah, it turns out Mike Green is actually like that in real life.
  
  
• Your expensive new television's warranty doesn't cover damage sustained when you instinctively leap off the couch and roundhouse punch the screen, as you recently found out thanks to an unexpected closeup shot of Matt Cooke.
  
  
• A frustrated Boudreau has had to repeatedly remind his players that yes, they're on a reality show, and yes, the vote may very well have been unanimous, but he still doesn't have to bring anyone his damn torch.
  

The horrible truth behind Montreal's miracle run

Oops. My bad.

The Montreal Canadiens are on one of the most stunning playoff runs in NHL history. After beating the Penguins tonight, they've now eliminated both the #1 seed and the defending champ, not to mention both of the game's biggest stars. Nobody can figure out how this is happening.

I think I know. And I think it's something I did. Let me explain.

The background: On April 21, the Caps beat the Habs 6-3 in game four of their first round series. It was an easy win, and it gave Washington a 3-1 lead in a series that everyone agreed was over.

The next day I got an e-mail from Greg Wyshynski at Puck Daddy, asking if Bloge Salming and I would be willing to write the 2009-2010 Montreal Canadiens eulogy. I agreed, and immediately started working on a thorough curb-stomping of the Habs and their wreck of a season. Oh, it was going to be glorious. It had a joke about riots, a Carey Price joke, a slightly different joke about riots, a shoe polish joke, and a joke about riots that was the same as the first one but used slightly different words. There was a good chance that once it was published, the Canadiens franchise would simply fold from the shame.

Three games later, the Caps had been stunned and Montreal was on their way to round two.

So I shelved the eulogy. No point, right? I'd have to rewrite it, but I had plenty of time. The Habs had earned four more games. Maybe even five. So I waited until Sunday, the day after the Penguins pushed Montreal to the brink of elimination. Then I fired up the eulogy and started reworking it.

Two games later, the Penguins are done and Montreal is in the conference finals for the first time since 1993.

Do you see what's happening here? Montreal is 5-0 when I'm working on their eulogy, and 3-6 when I'm not. Somehow, some way, my unfinished eulogy is changing the course of hockey history. It's become the official good luck charm of the 2009-2010 Montreal Canadiens. And if I don't put a stop to this now, it's going to single-handedly win the Habs a Stanley Cup.

Now, I've just entered my fourth decade of being a die-hard Toronto Maple Leafs fan, so I think it goes without saying that the hockey gods hate me, and high-five each other when ever they notice I'm sad. That much is a given. But are they punishing me? Is this their twisted idea of redemption? Could I have really wielded this awesome power all along?

I don't know. And I'm really not sure what to do. Should I delete the file? Do I have to set my computer on fire? Should I keep writing, just to see what happens?

I've been burdened with an awesome responsibility, and as Wendel is my witness I do not know what to do next. Help me, DGB readers. What should I do now?

A few other thoughts on the Habs:

• I tweeted this during the game, but the two guys who calls games for the Habs on the radio are the biggest homers I've ever heard -- and this is from somebody who grew up listening to Joe Bowen and is exposed to Dean Brown on a regular basis.
  
  Apparently it's Rick Moffat and Murray Wilson. And here's an actual transcript of them calling a Montreal goal: "YAAAYYYY!" These guys make Rick Jeanneret cringe.
  
  Look, I understand that local guys are allowed to wander off the path of strict objectivity from time to time. I'm fine with that. But is this some southern US market that desperately needs to sell the excitement of the game, or is it Montreal? Do Habs fans really go for this sort of thing? I really thought they'd be the last ones to need this sort of act.
  
  
• Since the last time the Leafs played a playoff game, we've seen the Red Mile, the Blue Mile, the Sens Mile, the declaration of "Canucks Day" after just one round, and now downtown Montreal being shut down before every playoff game.
  
  So... we can all just admit now that the whole "Leaf fans are lame because they honk horns on Yonge St after playoff wins" thing was BS, right? The idea that there was something wrong with being happy that your team won in the playoffs was stupid all along, but like so many media cliches it was an easy way for dumb people to get in a few shots at Leaf fans. But the gig is up, right? We all agree that we're never going to hear about this again? OK, just making sure.
  
  
• Speaking of my passive-aggressive persecution complex... The Habs have now won two seven-game series to advance to the conference finals. Nobody saw this coming. It's been an exhilarating and borderline ridiculous ride, the kind of thing that most hockey fans only get to experience once in a generation.
  
  I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's a part of me that sincerely hopes they lose in the next round after an obvious penalty goes uncalled by a referee staring right at it, just so I can spend the next 17 years feigning confusion over why Habs fans don't just get over it.
  
  
• Finally (with a glove tap to Jeffler), this happened. Who says Twitter isn't a valuable tool for finding out what's truly important in the world?

Chris Kunitz: The man, the legend, the (sort of) cousin.

"Oh this? Yeah I carry it around
pretty much every summer."

I generally don't root for many non-Leafs. To be honest, I'd be perfectly happy if all 29 of the other teams' planes were involved in a fiery mid-air collision, since I'm pretty sure that in a league with only one team the Leafs would have a decent chance of making the conference finals.

But I have a few exceptions, and one is for family. That's why I'll always support the Penguins winger Chris Kunitz. As the Official Cousin of DGB, Kunitz gets a steady dose of karma. After all, he has the same aunt and uncle as my wife. Or maybe it's a grandparent. Or something. I wasn't really paying attention. But the point is: We're practically brothers!

So I do cheer for Chris Kunitz. And you know what? You should too. Because even if he's not vaguely kind of related to you, he has a lot going for him. Here's a list of some of the reasons you should join me in the unofficial Chris Kunitz appreciation society.

• Whenever he feels the need to "accidentally" stomp on the back of somebody's leg, is always considerate enough to minimize impact by choosing a player who couldn't possibly get any slower anyway.
  
  
• When playing Xbox at Sideny Crosby's place, he always makes sure to keep his voice down so that Old Man Lemieux doesn't come down and start yelling at everyone in his bathrobe again.
  
  
• As a practical joke while in Anaheim, once convinced Ryan Getzlaf not to bother shaving his head since the bald spot wasn't really all that noticeable.
  
  
• As a teenager, somehow managed to stay focused on his hockey development despite the many distractions and temptations available to a young man growing up in rural Saskatchewan.
  
  
• Wins the Stanley Cup pretty much every year.
  
  
• As part of expanding team leadership role, volunteered to explain to a confused Alexei Ponikarovsky that even though the regular season was over the team still had more games to play.
  
  
• Hockey historians believe his all-time NHL record for "most times being involved in a waiver claim involving the Anaheim Ducks and Atlanta Thrashers" may never be broken.
  
  
• Has never, as far as we know, ruptured anyone's testicle.
  
  
• If economists' worst fears are realized and the global economy spirals into a period of hyperinflation, eventually his $3.5M salary won't seem all that bad.
  
  
• Can't really prove this, but my guess is that he'd know how change a flat tire in less than 40 minutes.
  
  
• If the Penguins win another championship this year, he's privately pledged to receive the Stanley Cup, skate a few strides with it, and then immediately use it to beat Matt Cooke to death at center ice.
  
  
• You just know that he's eventually going to be responsible for the most memorable mispronunciation of Bob Cole's career.

Trade Deadline 2010 Liveblog

4:00 p.m. - Burke's presser has wrapped up. No real news, although he reiterated that he'd do the Kessel deal again, that the current roster should be fearing for their jobs after last night's effort, and that Caputi will be in the Leafs lineup tomorrow.

(Update: One more minor Leafs deal: a sixth to the Penguins for prospect Chris "Nephew of Mike" Peluso.)

"Being a seller sucks," Burke says. And with that, he's done for the day and so am I. Thanks to everyone who dropped in during the day.

3:40 p.m. - Funny moment on TSN, as Bryan Murray is doing his post-deadline press conference but the network cuts away immediately as soon as Burke gets near the podium.

Burke isn't saying much of interest. He gives a heartfelt thanks to Ponikoravsky for his time in Toronto, followed by a somewhat muted goodbye to Stempniak and MacDonald. There are no other deals in the works.

Burke is now doing his well-rehearsed "Tomas Kaberle has a no-trade clause" answer. I honestly think it's word-for-word what he said earlier in the year. The news is that Kaberle's agent apparently gave a list of two teams to Burke today, but there was no deal to be made.

3:15 p.m. - Joey MacDonald, who I'd forgetten existed, has been dealt to the Ducks for a seventh-round pick. The Stempniak deal was for a 4th and 7th.

Unless there's more to come, it looks like the Leafs' haul for today is a 4th, a 5th, two 7ths, and a decent prospect.

Is that enough?

3:10 p.m. - Kaberle's agent has apparently told ESPN that he's going nowhere. That's probably a disappointment, but without knowing what teams were in play and what was offered it's hard to call it a disaster.

3:05 p.m - And the NHL deadline has passed. Deals can still come in, of course, but as of right now this has to go down as one of the dullest deadline in recent memory.

2:55 p.m. - Stempniak deal is done, but no word on for who or what. Man, even on deadline day this guy is invisible.

2:40 p.m. - TSN says Stempniak "is going to go". I think a third-round pick or similar prospect would be more than enough.

2:25 p.m. - Really glad I'm still wearing the Z-Shock helmet. It made clean-up a lot easier after the Toskala trade broke and my brain exploded.

2:05 - Nick Kypreos is reporting that the Flames have acquired Vesa Toskala.

Elliote Friedman: "Were the Maple Leafs blacked out in Calgary this year?"

1:40 p.m. - Tomas Kaberle has made it official. He will waive, if the right deal comes along. Stay tuned.

1:35 p.m. - Mathieu Schneider was just traded. Hey, remember when the Leafs acquired him and everyone agreed it was a bad deal because he was so old and you can't give up young players like Kenny Jonsson for a veteran? That was in 1996. Jonsson's been out of the NHL since before the lockout.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, do we know if Chris Chelios ever bit Mathieu Schneider?

1:00 p.m. - We have our first kind-of, sort-of blockbuster of the day: Wolski for Mueller. Prelude of things to come? Let's hope so.

12:30 p.m. - There's a good discussion on twitter right now about Tomas Kaberle's apparent reluctance to be dealt. Some are defending him, but generally the consensus is that he doesn't seem interested in winning.

Here's my thoughts: I don't know yet. And I won't know until July 1, which is the first day the Leafs and Kaberle can negotiate an extension to his current deal. If Kaberle really does love playing in Toronto, and wants to finish his career here, then we should find out during those first conversations.

If he signs a reasonable long-term, then we'll know he was sincere about loving Toronto and his NTC stance will make sense. If he starts playing hardball and muttering about leaving as a UFA, we'll know he was just a guy who got way too comfortable with losing.

I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt right now.

12:05 p.m. - James Mirtle just tweeted: "The Leafs are practising at noon today and will fly to Boston after the trade deadline. We don't know who won't be on that flight yet."

Look, MLSE has a lot of money. Just this one time, wouldn't it be cool if they gave each player his own individual plane? I'm picturing 20 CF-18s all flying in formation. Then, if a player is traded, his plane peels off from the group and reroutes to his new destination. You're telling me that wouldn't make for great TV?

Do it, Peddie!

11:50 a.m. - The Ducks have just acquired Aaron Ward in exchange for a pick and Justin Pogge. That should be the domino that gets the "really terrible goaltender" market moving.

11:35 a.m. - Good point by DP in the comments: "Skoula's steadiness is going to be a big loss. His +/- of 0 as a Leaf ranked 2nd on the team."

11:15 a.m. - A few days ago, the nice folks at Easton sent me one of the new lightweight S19 Z-Shock helmets that just launched during the Olympics. The idea was that I should test it out... but I'm not playing in any leagues right now.

So I've decided to put it to an even tougher test today: I'm going to wear the helmet every time I check twitter. After all, at least half the rumors, speculation and "sources tell me" reports are ridiculous enough to make you want to slam your head into a wall. I'll let you know how the helmet holds up.

11:00 a.m. - TSN says Martin Skoula is going to the Devils. And so once again, we lose out on the dream of him winding up in San Jose so we could all make "Skoula The Gentle Shark" jokes.

10:40 a.m. - TSN is interviewing Sidney Crosby. He just described the acquisition of Alexei Ponikarovsky as "the absolute best thing that's happened to me all week".

10:30 a.m. - We have our first deal of the day. Derek Morris has been dealt to Phoenix, in a move that will no doubt be shocking for the majority of hockey fans who thought Derek Morris already played for Phoenix.

10:05 a.m. - TSN just interviewed Luca Caputi, who told them he was a diehard Leaf fan growing up and still has a framed painting of Doug Gilmour hanging over his old bed at his parents' house. Let's just say he's growing on me.

10:00 a.m. - Here's an update on where we're at as far as Kaberle goes. All updates via twitter.

Bruce Garrioch: "Tomas Kaberle is definitely in play."

Elliotte Friedman: Kaberle agent, Rick Curran: no list submitted, BUT if Toronto comes to him with offer -- will at least consider it.

Nick Kypreos: Toronto is aware of teams Thomas Kaberle will waive his no trade to go. Now likely he will be gone.

Steve Simmons: Kaberle is NOT repeat NOT in play, despite what is being said elsewhere. That could change as day progresses but Im assured there is no list

We will see...

8:30 a.m. - Welcome to the 2010 NHL trade deadline.

If you're just waking up to the news of last night's Ponikarovsky-to-Pittsburgh trade, my reaction and a scouting report from The Pensblog can be found here.

Meanwhile, there are breaking reports on twitter that Tomas Kaberle may be in play after all. If so, the day just got a lot more interesting.

Typically these days start off slow, then build to a flurry towards the 3:00 deadline and beyond. I'll be posting thoughts, links and breaking news, and will also be posting the best of the comments section so let me know what's on your mind.

Who is Luca Caputi? The Pensblog explains

Probably the last ever photo
of Luca Caputi smiling.

News is breaking tonight that the Leafs have dealt Alexei Ponikarovsky to the Penguins for prospect Luca Caputi. The Leafs also take on the salary of veteran defenceman Martin Skoula, who will immediately be taken out behind the ACC and shot.

I have no idea who Luca Caputi is.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, since as a longtime Leafs fan I'm pretty fuzzy on the whole concept of a "prospects". But with all the talk of a possible Ponikarovsky bidding war and most rumors pegging the price at a pick and a prospect, it seems like a disappointment to get back a guy whose name only sounds familiar to me because I'm pretty sure it's how the Iron Shiek used to end all his promos.

Or is it? To find out, I asked for a Caputi scouting report from the folks from arguably the world's great hockey blog, The Pensblog. Here's what they had to say:

The Good: Caputi has a cool name. And he has some skill. We've seen him play for a grand total of less than 10 NHL games, but he made somewhat of an impact when he was up. He isn't overly big, or overly fast, but no reason he can't develop into a solid NHL top six player

The Bad: There really is no bad. Just don't know enough about him. The only thing we do know is that he just got surpassed by some other prospects in the Penguin organization, hence he was the odd man out. Burke knows how to develop players so he couldn't be going to a better place. You'll hear about some story about how he was demoted to the ECHL a few years ago, but look if you were stuck in Wilkes Barre you'd cause trouble too. Just tell people he beat up a stripper or something to help his street cred.

Summary: Luca Caputi is officially a part of one of the best "cool name for cool name" trades in NHL history. It's been so hard for Pens prospects to crack the lineup over the last three years that Caputi has got to be pumped to be coming to Toronto.

Anything could happen. He could be a 60+ point guy a year for the next five years, or he will be serving you pizza.

Prediction: Caputi scores the game winning goal in the 2017 eastern conference finals sending the Leafs to the dance.

P.S. If you want to know about Martin Skoula, take the wheels off your car and try to drive to work every morning.

So there you have it. Trade Deadline 2010 has officially arrived for the Leafs. Let me know what you think about the deal in the comments. And don't forget that I'll be liveblogging all-day on Wednesday.

Great Obscure Moments in Leafs History - Markov Salutes Jagr

Great Obscure Moments in Leafs History - An ongoing series to honor the greatest, completely meaningless moments in Toronto Maple Leaf history.

For a few months now, I've been diving into my old Leaf tapes and posting clips on Youtube. It's been fun to hear from fans who remember some of these moments and hadn't seen them in years. And often, I get requests for memorable clips that have never found their way online.

But there's one clip that's easily the most wanted, accounting for almost half the requests I get. And it's not a goal, or a hit, or even a fight. It's the Markov Salute.

More specifically, it's Danny Markov's mocking salute to Jaromir Jagr, delivered moments after Gary Valk ended the 1999 Leafs/Penguins second round series. This was back when Jagr was making a big show of saluting after every goal, and Markov decided to throw one right back at him.

I finally found the clip. Watch for it, right at the end:

A few thoughts.

• Danny Markov was probably insane.
  
  
• No, scratch that. Danny Markov was definitely insane. This is the same guy who once attacked a mascot, shot a puck at a referee, and trash-talked the Senators bench after getting hit in the face with a slapshot. He was definitely insane. God I miss him.
  
  
• Markov actually salutes Jagr three times. The first two are with a glove on. At that point he starts yelling down the ice, presumably to get Jagr's attention, and then gives him the glove-off version. I loved Danny Markov.
  
  
• Um, is that Keith Olbermann?
  
  
• You know, for a guy who never passed, Sergei Berezin assisted on a lot of Leaf overtime winners. He set up Garry Valk here, as well as Steve Thomas and Cory Cross. Those were presumably the only three assists of his career.
  
  
• A great underrated hockey tradition: when a team wins in overtime and their goalie makes the lonely skate all the way down the ice looking for someone to hug. Curtis Joseph gets completely ignored for 190 feet, then Mike Johnson comes out of nowhere and flattens him. Good times.
  
  
• Nice play by Jiri Slegr on the goal. One of the first things they teach you in defenceman school is "When there's a loose puck in the crease, always deliver a sliding dropkick to your goalie's groin."
  
  
• Fans of other teams like to say that Bob Cole is secretly a Leafs fan. Maybe they're right, because apparently he also refuses to acknowledge the Leafs' 1994 Conference Finals loss to the Canucks ever happened.
  
  
• Tough call for "Most Obscure Guy in the Pile" here, but I'm going to go with a 20-year-old Adam Mair, who makes an appearance a full three years before his rookie season. It's either him or Ladislav Kohn, who was always fantastic in Facts of Life.

So Leaf fans, here's your homework assignment for this week. Find some annoying mulletted dink who makes ten times as much money as you do, and give him a Markov Salute. You'll feel better about yourself. Trust me.

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Atlantic Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Atlantic Division.

New York Rangers

The good: There's a better-than-average chance that Donald Brashear will cripple Chris Drury in practice, saving the team valuable cap space.
The bad: Wade Redden reported to camp still alive.
Biggest question mark: Aren't you kind of hoping Sean Avery knocks out Kyle Okposo this year just so we can all make "sloppy seconds" jokes?
Fearless forecast: Marion Gaborik will bring the sort of dynamic offensive threat that the team hasn't had since... wait, why is he limping off the ice?

New Jersey Devils

The good: Wisely maintained team chemistry by not bringing in any big name off-season acquisitions, even though almost half their good players left.
The bad: Sure, Jacques Lemaire's offense will be fun to watch at first, but can the Devils maintain that sort of breakneck page all season long?
Biggest question mark: Everyone makes such a big deal about oversized shoulder pads, but why doesn't anybody ever complain about the ever-growing stomach padding Martin Brodeur is apparently using?
Fearless forecast: You won't watch a single one of their games all season.

Philadelphia Flyers

The good: If 35-year old Chris Pronger can't lead team to a Stanley Cup this year, no problem -- they still have him for another six years after that!
The bad: Continuing a proud tradition of tough guy Flyers goalies, Ray Emery has already been beaten into a bloody pulp by Felix Potvin.
Biggest question mark: Will one of the Flyers commit a horrifying act of violence that ruins the Winter Classic, or will it be more than one?
Fearless forecast: Will almost certainly be one of the top two teams in the entire state.

Pittsburgh Penguins

The good: Aren't scheduled for another blatant tank job for another three or four years.
The bad: Are at a tremendous disadvantage in an Olympic year in terms of fatigue, given that every single player on the roster is good enough to make an Olympic team.
Biggest question mark: Given that they're almost a sure thing to make the post-season, wouldn't it be a good idea for Sidney Crosby to start growing his playoff beard now?
Fearless forecast: I will continue to receive ten breathless e-mails a week that contain shocking photos of the Penguin players sitting around holding a trophy.

New York Islanders

The good: Franchise reputation is already dead and buried, which is a nice change since it marks the first ever case of this ownership group being able to get a shovel into the ground.
The bad: Have six or seven good players, all of whom are goalies.
Biggest question mark: Which line will Taylor Hall play on?
Fearless forecast: Scott Gordon eventually throws a rock through the poster of Raquel Welch in John Tavares' locker, revealing a tunnel to Toronto hidden behind it.

Signs that you too may be getting hockey advice from a deranged homeless person

Hire him. This guy looks legit.

The strangest story of the week came out of Pittsburgh, where we learned the sad tale of a troubled homeless man who had been sending Mario Lemieux tips on how to better run the Penguins.

While this was clearly an extreme case, the fact remains that those in positions of power in the NHL are surrounded on all sides by people offering them advice. And unfortunately, not all of those people are going to be all there.

In an attempt to help out the NHL's power elite, here are a dozen signs that the person giving you hockey advice may in fact be a crazy homeless person.

• His entire offensive gameplan consists of teaching your players how to do the breakaway move from NHL '94.
  
  
• Whenever the team is faced with a difficult financial decision, he suggests calling Sergei Fedorov for advice.
  
  
• He's started a petition to have the Maple Leafs adopt a new uniform that would feature their old vintage style jersey and no pants.
  
  
• He spends eight hours a day hanging out in front of his mail box waiting for a qualifying offer from Dale Tallon.
  
  
• He suggests that the team start new a playoff tradition by encouraging fans to mark key moments of crucial games by throwing an octomom on the ice.
  
  
• He was the one who convinced you to give Chris Pronger a seven year extension.
  
  
• He repeatedly suggests that "Maybe you should run that one by Mr. Wang", but you don't work for the Islanders.
  
  
• The only job he lists on his resume is "Senior public relations consultant to Dany Heatley".
  
  
• For some reason, he's wearing Chris Nilan's bathing suit under his clothes.
  
  
• He keeps going on and on about how the Leafs should sign Chris Durno.
  
  
• His laptop is full of downloads titled "Sideline reporter naked peephole video", but they're all of Pierre McGuire.
  
  
• Every time he has a difficult decision to make, you catch him staring at his "WWJFJD?" bracelet.

Seven signs that your team is not winning Game Seven

A seasoned hockey fan knows how to look for the subtle signs that a team is headed to victory: The steely look of determination in a captain's eye... the small but crucial lift provided by a raucous home crowd... the calming confidence of a veteran coach...

Then again, sometimes the signs point to a devastating defeat. And as a Leafs fan, that's sort of my specialty.

So Wings and Pens fans, I want to help. After all, if you're team is going to lose the biggest game they'll ever play, you might as well know in advance. So here are seven subtle signs to watch for on Friday night to alert you that your team just might not be winning the Cup.

Penguin fans

Your team is probably not winning Game Seven if you notice that...

• Sidney Crosby is playing so poorly that Pierre McGuire has stopped blowing him, and is now merely dry-humping him.
  
  
• The announcers repeatedly describe Marc-Andrew Fleury as being in "WJC gold medal game form".
  
  
• Eklund just posted that his inside sources tell him that the Penguins are winning.
  
  
• Detroit is so far ahead that Red Wings fans have actually shut up with their inane Gary Bettman conspiracy theories for five god damned minutes.
  
  
• During pre-game skate, Red Wing players appear extra motivated by moving locker room plea to "Go out there and win one for Nik Lidstrom's testicle".
  
  
• One of your so-called veteran leaders let himself be photographed next to a sign mocking the other team. No, just kidding, nobody would be that dumb.
  
  
• The game turns out to be one of those flukey contests where the winner is decided purely based on which team has better hockey players.

Red Wing fans

Your team is probably not winning Game Seven if you notice that...

• For some strange reason, tonight Pascal Dupuis is playing on Crosby's line, is having the game of his life, and looks suspiciously like a slightly overweight Mario Lemeiux.
  
  
• Due to tough economic times, traditional "octopus" thrown on the ice appears to actually be two house cats staple-gunned together.
  
  
• As the clock ticks down, excited Penguin teammates can be seen explaining to former Maple Leaf Hal Gill what the "Stanley Cup" is.
  
  
• The official Cup engraver can be seen wandering the hallways asking if anyone knows how to spell "Goligoski".
  
  
• Announcers mention that prior to taking the ice, the Wings received a fiery pre-game motivational speech from Matt Millen.
  
  
• Puck Daddy's Greg Wyshynski is busy working on a post acknowledging that the Penguins might be almost as good as the Capitals.
  
  
• During the third period, Marion Hossa is sitting in the press box negotiating a new contract with the Penguins.

Stanley Cup preview: Who has the edge?

By now you've no doubt read dozens of Stanley Cup final previews, all of which followed the exact same format: quick blurbs about each team under the categories "Forwards", "Defense", "Goaltending" and "Special Teams", with an "edge" awarded to either side.

Well, sure, all those things are important. But what about everything else? Clearly there's more to winning hockey than just having skill at forward, defence, goal and special teams. After all, the Leafs didn't have any of those things last year, and they still managed to win six games.

So as always, it falls to me to dig a little deeper. Here's a Cup preview based on ten critical categories that everyone else is overlooking.


Did they touch the trophy?

Detroit: Acting captain Henrik Zetterberg refused to touch the Clarence Campbell Bowl.

Pittsburgh: Captain Sidney Crosby picked up Prince of Wales Trophy, skated it over to teammates, then took it home and made sweet tender love to it for three straight days.

Edge: Detroit


Fan Participation:

Detroit: Fan spend entire playoffs cheering on home team, debating every nuance of each game, and counting down the days until they can once again cheer the hoisting of a Stanley Cup.

Pittsburgh: Fan spend entire playoffs sending photoshops into The Pens Blog.

Edge: Even.


The Malkin Factor

Pittsburgh: Media unanimously agrees that Evgeni Malkin is the most unstoppable playoff performer in NHL history.

Detroit: Media will unanimously agrees that Evgeni Malkin is the greatest playoff choker in NHL history as soon as he has one bad game.

Edge: TBD


Playoff Beard Quality

Detroit: Entire team looks like Hagrid from the Harry Potter movies.

Pittsburgh: Sidney Crosby looks like Adam Morrison's kid brother.

Edge: Detroit


Motivation

Pittsburgh: With a win, perhaps NBC will finally start paying some attention to this Sidney Crosby kid.

Detroit: Stanley Cup drought now up to a franchise record 12 months.

Edge: Even


Does Marion Hossa play for them?

Detroit: Marion Hossa does play for them.

Pittsburgh: Marion Hossa does not play for them.

Edge: Pittsburgh.


Injuries

Pittsburgh: Are relatively healthy, assuming nobody has tried to skate around Alexander Ovechkin lately.

Detroit: Have been without future Hall-of-Famers Nik Lidstrom and Pavel Datsyuk, forcing team's other twelve future Hall-of-Famers to somehow carry the load.

Edge: Pittsburgh


Defensive zone strategy

Pittsburgh: When an opposing player enters the defensive zone, the team reverts to a passive zone system, attempting to keep the puck on the perimeter and use speed and skill to create turnovers for quick strike counter-attack offensive opportunities.

Detroit: When an opposing player enters the defensive zone, Niklas Kronwall kills them.

Edge: Detroit


Ex-Leafs

Pittsburgh: Roster includes former Leaf Hal Gill, who was signed as a free agent by John Ferguson Jr. and coached on defensive positioning by Paul Maurice.

Detroit: Have no ex-Leafs on roster.

Edge: Detroit


Strength Implied by Logo

Pittsburgh: The penguin, a pathetic little creature that waddles around helplessly, can't fly, and is easily gobbled up by seals and other predators without so much as putting up a fight.

Detroit: The red "winged wheel", a symbol of Detroit's auto industry.

Edge: Pittsburgh

The final four: Who should Leaf fans be cheering for?

For the sixth season in a row, the NHL's final four is taking place without an appearance by the Maple Leafs. That means that the league's largest fan base has nobody to cheer for. And with the second round elimination of the Canucks, there's not even a Canadian team left for Leaf fans to pretend to be cheering for while secretly rooting against.

What's a Leaf fan to do? Yes, OK, but besides watching John Tavares highlight tapes and fondling themselves, what's a Leaf fan to do?

I'm not here to give you the answer, but I do want you to make an informed decision. So here, from a Leaf fan's perspective, are some of the reasons to root for (or against) the four remaining teams.

---

Detroit Red Wings

Plus: In this economy, having the Stanley Cup stay in Detroit for another year increases chances that Maple Leafs will eventually be able to buy it in a Windsor pawn shop.

Minus: Their second round victory over the Anaheim Ducks provided disturbing evidence that teams built by Brian Burke can sometimes still lose.

Plus: As the top remaining seed, are the team most likely to win the final round in a sweep. Which, based on the schedule, is the only way these playoffs are ending before July.

Minus: A raucous Stanley Cup celebration could endanger us all by startling Zombie Chris Chelios.

Plus: Occasional news of a Red Wings championship is the only joy left in the life of Bob Probert, as he spends his post-retirement days in the concrete underground bunker he constructed to avoid Wendel Clark.

---

Chicago Blackhawks

Plus: Sort of tough to root against the team that gave us Stu Grimson, Dave Manson, and the quivering corpse of Mike Peluso.

Minus: Their upset win over the Canucks brought on the start of Kyle Wellwood's off-season much earlier than expected, possibly leading to summer-long food shortages in Western Canada.

Plus: An appearance in finals might lead to someone mentioning that the Hawks have the longest current NHL championship drought, which would be news to the majority of Canadian hockey fans who assume that the Leafs do.

Minus: If the Hawks win a Cup, a gleeful Toronto media will no doubt produce a flood of stories about the Leafs drought now being the NHL's longest, including one article produced solely by Howard Berger dry-humping his keyboard.

Plus: Are proving that a team can win despite overpaid and sub-par goaltending, which might help create an off-season market for Vesa Toskala.

---

Pittsburgh Penguins

Plus: Offer hope to Leafs fans by proving that a decade of constant losing, front office incompetence, and almost total irrelevance can result in a pretty darn good roster.

Minus: Every game they win means a few more days of having to look at Sidney Crosby's child molester moustache playoff beard.

Plus: Jordan Staal's showdown with brother Eric will inevitably result in TSN doing a "top ten hockey brothers of all-time" countdown, and it will be nice to see Luke and Brayden Schenn in the #1 spot.

Minus: Not really fair for them to win this year's Stanley Cup, since they're already pencilled in to win the next five or six.

Plus: Feature an inspiring feel-good story in form of defenceman Hal Gill, the only player ever signed by John Ferguson Jr. who is still playing in the NHL.

---

Carolina Hurricanes:

Plus: Each win results in more momentum for the idea of Cam Ward starting for the Canadian Olympic team in place of Roberto Luongo, which is great news assuming you're among the 99.5% of the world's population that isn't from Canada.

Minus: Sometimes, their runs to the Cup final result in Leafs getting stuck with their loser coach.

Plus: If they win, Leaf fans won't have to put up with annoying trash-talk from die-hard Hurricanes fans, since there aren't any.

Minus: Yet another Cup ring for Frantisek Kaberle might make brother Tomas start to have second thoughts about this whole "have zero interest in ever playing for a winning team" policy.

Plus: A championship run would help with publicity for Scott Walker's admirable new charity, "Beat Cervical Cancer by Sucker Punching it in the Face".

---

The bottom line: I think when you weigh the evidence, the final verdict is pretty clear. Leafs Nation, we can all agree on this, right?

Yeah, I thought so. Pass the Tavares highlights.

Round two scouting reports

A few days ago, we took a look at the NHL's 22 losers that are sitting at home. Now let's turn our attention to the teams that are still alive, with a round two scouting report.

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Washington Capitals

Strengths:

• Are wisely keeping starting goaltender Jose Theodore extremely well-rested.
  
• Have so much depth that they were somehow able to win a game seven despite absence of Donald Brashear
  
• Intimidating fans are known to loudly questions opposing players' sexuality, which is pretty rich coming from guys who chant "We Want Semin".

Weakness:

• Star player Alexander Ovechkin often spends as much as four of five minutes every period just sitting on bench, doing nothing.

How to beat them:

• Let Ovechkin get a few goals early; hope he tires himself out celebrating.

-- vs. --

Pittsburgh Penguins

Strengths:

• Feature a roster full of excellent young players due to strong scouting, patient coaching, and drafting first overall ten years in a row.
  
• Have drawn inspiration from undisputed locker room leader, the mummified corpse of Gary Roberts.
  
• In the long history of talented players to come out of Russia, Evgeni Malkin will quite possibly go down as the second best one to ever play in this series.

Weakness:

• Extra slippery ice at Mellon Arena sometimes causes team's star players to fall down for no reason at all.

How to beat them:

• Don't punch the crap out of Maxime Talbot, apparently.

---

Carolina Hurricanes

Strengths:

• Coach Paul Maurice has referred to leadership core as "easily the most dedicated group of players I've seen in, oh, three years".
  
• Enjoy unrivaled home ice advantage thanks to savvy fans who save up energy by only remembering that hockey exists once the playoffs start.
  
• Is probably not mathematically impossible for them to win the Cup this year.

Weakness:

• Are still, when you get right down to it, the Hartford Whalers.

How to beat them:

• Employ a goalie who is not so fat that he gets winded at the very end of every close game.

-- vs. --

Boston Bruins

Strengths:

• In recent big games, have been pretty good at remembering how many players you're allowed to have on the ice.
  
• Zdeno Chara able to calmly clear puck from goalmouth scrambles without leaving bench.
  
• Will be feeding off the energy of an entire state full of douchey, bandwagon-jumping sports fans who haven't had a championship to celebrate in like ten whole months

Weakness:

• May be rusty coming off of first-round bye.

How to beat them:

• Remind Tim Thomas that he is, in fact, Tim Thomas.

---

Anaheim Ducks

Strengths:

• Roster was largely assembled by Brian Burke, who is unanimously considered the smartest man alive.
  
• Disorient opponents by annoyingly playing all their home games way later than everyone else.
  
• Virtually every player on roster is an experienced fighter not intimidated by violence, which will come in handy if team bus breaks down on way to arena in Detroit

Weakness:

• It's possible that Ryan Getzlaf may have got some choking loser germs on him while fighting Joe Thornton.

How to beat them:

• Somehow trick them into thinking it's the regular season.
  

-- vs. --

Detroit Red Wings

Strengths:

• Are known for superior conditioning, which will allow players to recover more quickly from Chris Pronger cheapshots.
  
• Are so solid defensively that even terrible goaltender Chris Osgood can win multiple championships for them.
  
• In a pinch, some guy they drafted 200th overall last year will just emerge as a future hall-of-famer.

Weakness:

• Might be getting bored of winning the Stanley Cup by now.

How to beat them:

• Get to overtime of game seven. Let tiny Russian man-child do the rest.
  

---

Chicago Blackhawks

Strengths:

• Winning percentage is significantly higher indoors than out.
  
• Martin Havlat has bought into team's disciplined approach so much that he hardly ever kicks anyone in the groin any more.
  
• Somehow managed to turn an old man dying of cancer into a feel-good story.

Weakness:

• Winning game one of the Flames series 12 seconds into sudden death was a foolish waste of an opportunity to amass valuable overtime experience.

How to beat them:

• Hold all games in a nightclub that checks ID, thus eliminating most of the Hawks best players.
  

-- vs. --

Vancouver Canucks

Strengths:

• Have this guy named Sedin who is so lightning quick that he often sets himself up for one-timers.
  
• Own an excellent record when scoring first, largely because their goalie gets a shutout every game.
  
• Are lead by veteran Mats Sundin, for whom "winning a Stanley Cup" is unquestionably a top ten non-poker-related personal goal.

Weakness:

• Players run slightly higher than average risk of contracting lice due to habit of pulling opponent's hair when getting ass kicked in fight.

How to beat them:

• Hope that Roberto Luongo's wife has a baby three or four times during the series.