Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Phil Kessel's suspension hearing: The top secret transcript

Kessel spears Scott right in the creepy extra
leg that apparently hangs off of his hip.

(Scene: A boardroom in a downtown skyscraper. Brendan Shanahan sits at one end of a long table, preparing for the hearing. After shuffling a few papers, he's ready to begin.)

Shanahan: OK, first up we need to hear from the Maple Leafs. Send in Phil Kessel and Randy Carlyle.

(Phil Kessel walks into the room.)

Shanahan: Uh, where's Randy?

Kessel: Oh, he's on his way.

(Carlyle, sprawled out on top of a fainting couch, is carried into the room by several MLSE interns.)

Carlyle (with the back of his hand to his forehead): Fighting! Enforcers! Oh the humanity! However could an NHL team do such a thing!

Shanahan: Uh, Randy…

Carlyle: Won't somebody please think of the children!

Shanahan: Good try, Randy.

Carlyle: Not buying it, eh?

Shanahan: Not especially.

Carlyle (getting up from the fainting couch): Want to fight about it?

Shanahan: Maybe later. But first I want to talk to Phil. Phil, you're here because you slashed John Scott twice. It sure seemed like intent to injure. Let's start with the first slash, how can you justify that?

Kessel: Before the faceoff, John Scott told me he was going to attack me. He's much bigger than me and has far more experience fighting, so I felt that I needed to take action to protect myself. Whether it's on the ice or on the street, a person in imminent danger of being assaulted has a right to self-defence, and so I did what I had to do.

Shanahan: Hm. That's pretty convincing.

Kessel: Thanks.

Shanahan: And the second slash?

Kessel: Oh, I was just trying to break his ankle.

Shanahan: Ah.

Kessel: Seriously, screw that guy, am I right?

Shanahan: Well, I appreciate your honestly, even though you probably just extended your suspension by another game.

Kessel (under his breath): That's the last extension I'll be getting in this town…

Carlyle: Wait, what?

Kessel: Nothing coach!

Shanahan: Phil, if you could just sign your statement, we're done here.

(Shanahan hands Kessel a pen. Kessel starts to write, then pauses to shake the pen.)

Kessel: It's out of ink.

Voice from outside: DON'T WORRY PHIL, I WILL SAVE YOU!

Kessel: Oh Christ.

(David Clarkson bursts dramatically through the office's plate glass window.)

Shanahan: The door was unlocked...

Clarkson (striking a heroic pose): No time for that now. PHIL KESSEL IS IN TROUBLE!

Kessel: Actually, I can just get another pen, Dave, it's not really a big deal…


Kessel: No, actually, the situation is completely under control and…


Kessel: Randy?

Carlyle: I'm on it.

(Carlyle pulls out a long vaudevillian cane and slowly reaches for Clarkson's neck.)

Shanahan: Cool cane.

Kessel: Thanks. We just had it made.

Shanahan: OK, now it's time to get the Sabres side of the story. Send in John Scott and Ron Rolston.

(Rolston enters the room, wheeling a large crate. He smashes the crate's lock with a sledgehammer, and John Scott emerges.)

Shanahan: John, why don't we start with you. Can you explain your actions leading up to the altercation?

Scott: (staring straight ahead)

Shanahan: John?

Scott: (grunts)

Rolston: Yeah, he's not much of a talker.

Shanahan: I'm getting that impression.

Rolston: Oops, almost forgot feeding time.

(Rolston tosses an oddly shaped slab of raw beef in Scott's direction.)

Scott: (unhinges jaw; devours slab whole)

Shanahan: Was that a human femur?

Rolston: Don't you worry about what it was.

Carlyle: Completely disgusting. You ought to be ashamed. (Takes out a notepad; writes "Reminder to self: Feed Orr/McLaren.")

Shanahan: OK, well let's move on to you, Ron. You certainly seemed to be sending a message by having Scott on the ice. Given the situation, why leave him out there?

Rolston: I realize it may have seemed over the top. But I'm the coach of the Sabres now, and I have to respect the fact that Buffalo fans prefer a team that plays rough.

Shanahan: They do?

Rolston: Oh sure. Every fan I talk to is always saying stuff like "We love rough" and "This team was way better in the rough days".

Shanahan: Um…

Rolston: Or "I can't believe we fired rough and hired you, oh man our franchise is so screwed".

Shanahan: Right.

Rolston: Come to think of it, that last one doesn't even make grammatical sense.

Shanahan: You keep working on it. By the way, is he OK?

(Shanahan looks over at Scott, who is gnawing on the boardroom table.)

Rolston: You're going to want to avoid making eye contact.

Shanahan: Thanks for the warning. OK, our next witness is… wait, that can't be right.

Tyler Seguin: Hey guys.

Shanahan: You have nothing to do with this case.

Seguin: Sorry. I'm legally mandated to show up at least once in every Phil Kessel story. It's a Toronto bylaw.

(From the street below, a tour bus with a hot tub on the roof begins honking its horn impatiently.)

Seguin: So, are we almost done, or…

Shanahan: We're getting there.

Seguin (noticing Kessel): Oh, hey Phil.

Kessel: Hey Tyler. How's Boston?

Seguin: Actually, I got traded this summer.

Kessel: Oops. Now I feel kind of awkward.


Kessel: No, David, it's fine. Look, just take a deep breath and think about what you're about to…

Clarkson (flips the boardroom table): YEEEARGHH!

Shanahan: OK, I think we need to wrap this up. Does anyone have any final statements they want to get on the record?

Rolston: No.

Kessel: Nope.

Carlyle: No.

Scott: I've just always found that any discussion of justice is complicated by Plato's Euthyphro dilemma, which states that if we are to have independent moral standards then some actions must be right or wrong in themselves independent of a higher authority.




Seguin: Ah, but then you'd be ignoring Swinburne's response that contingent moral truths cannot be denied without inherently contradicting…

Scott: (immediately uppercuts Seguins' head, which explodes)

Shanahan: OK everyone, thanks for coming. I'll release the video announcing my decision once I've taken my medication to remove all traces of my personality. You can all leave now.

(Everyone begins to file out.)

Shanahan: Oh, by the way, you'll have to take the stairs. The elevator is being repaired.

Carlyle: Wait, you mean there's an open elevator shaft just down that hallway?

Shanahan: Yeah.

Carlyle: That's an incredibly dangerous situation!

(He thinks for a moment.)

Carlyle: Phil, you go.

Kessel: Dude…

Clarkson: FEAR NOT, PHIL!

Kessel: David, I'll just take the stairs…


(Clarkson hurls himself down the elevator shaft.)

Clarkson (voice fading as he plummets): I REGRET NOTHING….

Rolston: OK, now is this over?

Shanahan: Now it's over.

Rolston: Completely over?

Shanahan: 100%. Done. Finished. Everything has been resolved, and the situation is absolutely and completely over with.

Rolston Which means...

Shanahan (checks watch): Any second now…

Jonathan Bernier: Hey, anyone want to fight?

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  1. This might be the best one ever.

    Of all time

    1. Came here to say this. Truly may be the best of all time.

    2. Totally agree. "We love rough." So good!

  2. I agree, hands down best transcript that you've written.

  3. Everyone who reads this should print it out and frame it on their wall for eternity, right next to the suspension flowchart from a few years ago. Bloody brilliant.

    1. Ha. It's funny that a couple years ago my boss walks over knowing that I'm a hockey fan and tapes the "Suspension Flow Chart" to my wall. How he came across it, I'll never know. It stayed there for almost a year.

  4. Three DGB posts in two days!!! YES!

  5. where the hell did you find Plato's Euthyphro dilemma? That takes the cake.

  6. Love the Jonathan Bernier comment lol

  7. has to rank in top 3 DGB ever...you win the hockeyinterwebs

  8. WOW!!! Great stuff! Retire now....How will you ever top this?

  9. Jib-Jab needs to make this is to an animated skit. EPIC.

  10. I just love the entire crazy Clarkson routine.

    And then comes the Bernier knockout punch. Well bloody done...

  11. Lmao!!!!!! Omg I dieddddddd

  12. You forgot how Kadri said he almost jumped through the window, too, if not for Lupul holding him back.

  13. pure brilliance....training camp has been good to you.

  14. Absolutely brilliant! Why don't we ever have fun stuff like this happen out here in San Jose?

    Oh, wait, that's right - we traded away McLaren.

  15. Soooooooooo glad my Devils didn't re-sign Numbnuts Clarkson. Enjoy him, Sean! Bwaa-hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  16. Oh this was bloody brilliant lol best laugh of the week by far!

  17. I kept seeing Puddy from Seinfeld as David Clarkson ... absolutely wonderful!

  18. Bloody freaking brilliant. I'll be giggling every time Clarkson steps on the ice tonight.

  19. Absolutely on fire this week!

  20. Definitely some of your best work!

  21. Least funny thing I have ever read. By a bloody mile.

  22. C'mon, it wasn't that good. I laughed way harder those times my mother-in-law fell down drunk on the chihuahua.

  23. What sucks about this post is that now you have to release a second edition of your book.

    One of the best in years. You could probably hear me wailing with laughter, and I'm in Australia with a mouth full of breakfast cereal.

  24. The Bernier bit was pure gold.

  25. Amazing, just amazing. Each line just brings a new degree of joy.
    Can't decide between Clarkson's entrance "The door was unlocked..." or Bernier's arrival that does most it for me. Pure genius. Thank you.

  26. This started off great, but like the Dexter finale, I think it went about 1 minute too long.
    Still a great read though.

  27. Scott is right, screw Swinburne

  28. Sean, You're in mid season form. This one definitely has to make the next book. (yes I guess you're now writing another book because an anonymous fan on the internet said you have to). Keep it up!

  29. Great article!!!! Your ability to spin current events in a way that resonates with me is unbelievable. It makes me think that having a few beers and watching a hockey game with you would be very entertaining. IF/WHEN Seattle gets a team, you're invited and beer is on me......

  30. The caption is the most creepily (is that even a word) hilarious thing I've ever read.

  31. Scott only pawn, in chess game of life.

  32. I hate to rain on the succession of sycophants, but this isn't brilliant. Clearly he should have made an Aristotelian ethics reference rather than to Plato's Euthyphro dilemma.

  33. The Rough-jokes are 100% pure gold

  34. Didn't like Clarkson signing before. Have to love it after this. Our own Sir Jumps-over-the-fences-a-lot.

  35. Actually had to stop reading this in class. Not sure what's worse, the looks I get for laughing uncontrollably or actually having to try and explain who Phil Kessel is...

  36. What, no Pronger appearance? Well, maybe Clarkson and Scott can (collectively) fill those shoes. Maybe. Great piece, DGB--you rule!.

  37. This is just beautiful.

  38. more of this now that grantland is down? best of luck DGB