No, I don't have a joke.
The biggest news in hockey this week was Mike Fisher getting attacked by a chipmunk.
Well, OK, maybe it wasn't the biggest news. But it's a marginally interesting thing that happened, and since training camp hasn't opened yet we will damn well take what we can get. So this week it's animal jokes.
Where was I? Right, Mike Fisher getting attacked by a chipmunk. As it turns out, the tiny creature invaded the home Fisher shares with wife Carrie Underwood, and while heroically trying to protect his family, the Predators center sustained two tiny bite marks on his hand.
As it turns out, that puts Fisher in good company. For some reason, NHL players and personalities just seem to have trouble when it comes to interacting with animals. Here are some recent examples of the hockey world's more dangerous encounters with the animal kingdom:
Gary Bettman - Was badly injured during a recent trip to the zoo after instinctively jumping into the wild canine exhibit in a desperate attempt to prevent the coyotes from moving.
Dustin Brown - Has been tormented his entire career by an invisible wolf who chases him around the ice and repeatedly makes him fall down even though no other players touched him.
Corey Crawford - Was distracted during recent extension negotiations by a giant seabird, I'm pretty sure, since when you type "Corey Crawford contract" into Google it immediately auto-fills "huge albatross".
Claude Giroux - He recently required surgery on his hand after injuring it while repeatedly punching a unicorn, according to the new story he came up with after somebody told him he needed something more believable than "I hurt it playing golf".
Paul Bissonnette - Was also once attacked by an angry chipmunk who would have bit him on the hands if he had any.
Douglas Murray - Is really annoyed at this turtle that keeps wandering around on his property and is going to do something about it as soon as he can figure out how to catch up to it.
Eugene Melnyk - Must be trying to stock the lake outside of his mansion with aquatic birds, since neighbors say he's constantly sitting on his street corner asking if anyone has any loonies.
Buffalo Sabres - A flock of angry crows recently descended on the front office and plucked out the eyeballs of everyone who was in charge of approving the team's new jersey design, apparently.
Nazem Kadri - Every time he asks his agent for a detailed update on how his contract talks are going, he gets distracted by the sound of all those crickets chirping.
Tyler Seguin - Has been dutifully killing every spider he can find, ever since his agent sent him that email that said "Stay away from the web, you idiot".
Clayton Stoner - Is currently compiling a list of all the animals mentioned in this post and the best way to hunt them down and kill them.
Teemu Selanne - Was once lightly scratched by an adorable newborn kitten in the underground laboratory where he grinds them up to make his anti-aging potions.
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