Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A look through the NHL's injury report

"I haven't seen one of those since I've worked here."
"What, a strained MCL?"
"No, a save."

Maple Leafs' goalie James Reimer was hurt in last night's win over the Flyers. And while early reports are that the injury may not be serious, it does seem to fit an early pattern. Thanks to an unusual offseason and shortened training camp, we were told to expect injuries to play a big role in the season. So far, it looks like the experts were right.

Here's a look at some of the big names that have found themselves on the injured list in the season's first few weeks.

Miikka Kiprusoff - The veteran suffered an injury to his MCL that has team doctors concerned about the possibility that his knee will have to be rebuilt, since nobody in the Flames front office seems to know what that word means.

Joffrey Lupul - Has spent his time recuperating from a broken arm by fielding texts from various NHL goalies asking "Hit by a Dion Phaneuf slapshot? Weird, what's that like?"

Ryan Murray - The second overall pick will miss the rest of the season with a shoulder injury that certainly has nothing to do with this crowbar I'm holding right now, says the smirking league employee in charge of making sure Blue Jackets fans will never be happy ever.

Scott Hartnell - Will miss two months with a broken foot that was diagnosed by team doctors when they noticed he was falling down slightly less often than usual.

Ed Jovanovski - Is recovering from a leg injury sustained in a nasty knee-on-knee collision with Tampa Bay forward Brandon Crombeen, according to the one guy in the world who's willing to pretend that he sat through a Panthers/Lightning game.

Alexander Ovechkin - Has been valiantly playing through a badly torn ACL and fractures in both hands, Ted Leonsis keeps trying to convince himself while staring at what's left of his contract.

Daniel Carcillo - Is listed as "out indefinitely", although he insists he could return sooner if every doctor he visited didn't squint their eyes, say "Wait a second, aren't you…" and then immediately start pummeling him with a flurry of punches.

Jonas Hiller - Is listed as day-to-day with an injury to his lower body, since that that's where his jaw ended up when he recently looked at backup goalie Viktor Fasth's stat line.

Gabriel Landeskog - Suffered head and leg injuries on January 19 after a crushing hit by Brad Stuart but was briefly allowed to return to the game after passing the Avalanche's concussion test, which apparently consists entirely of the question "Hey, you remember that we decided to just start calling concussions 'head and leg injuries', right?"

Jason Spezza - Team officials say Spezza should be able to return by the end of the season if his back recovers from his recent surgery and/or tomorrow if they can get Erik Karlsson to lay his hands on it.

Greg Jamison - Must have suffered some sort of recent injury, since that would explain the oversized neck brace he wears these days while shaking a tin cup at pedestrians outside Glendale city council.

Ryan Kesler - Is almost recovered from offseason surgery and is said to be really excited to rejoin the team and find out who they got for Roberto Luongo.

Ville Leino - Has yet to play this year due to a hip injury that Buffalo sources say has left him "hobbled" and "immobile" and "still somehow the Sabres' second or third most effective player this season".

Shawn Horcoff - Yes, he recently suffered a broken knuckle, and no, that doesn't mean somebody must have punched him in the nose, he's just had to tell the giggling teenagers who make up the Oilers first two lines for the thousandth time.

Ray Whitney - The Stars have listed him with a lower body injury which means an area below his belt, which at his age could be anywhere from the arm pits down.

Jaroslav Halak - The Blues see no reason to rush him back to action from a groin injury that's left him unable to do anything but stand motionless and wave at pucks going past him, since these days they already have Brian Elliott for that.

Mikhail Grabovski - Seemed a little under-the-weather over the weekend but recovered quickly, so it was probably just something he ate.

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  1. Great post, LOL'ed at the Spezza comment but must have been written before the Alfie-Siri-God thing. An Alfie reference would have been even funnier, but probably wouldn't have been funny years from now

  2. Grabovski line was killer

  3. Should I just sit here and wait for the column on the Sens latest anti leaf fan campain?

  4. Lotta good lines in this one. Solid work.

  5. Eh. This one was kinda weak. Guessing recycled material, given how much of it seems to be trailing injuries and actual performances by about two weeks.

  6. Ray Whitney line gave me the giggles.

  7. "Seemed a little under-the-weather over the weekend but recovered quickly, so it was probably just something he ate"...

    Oh no you di'int.


  8. My lord, the Ray Whitney line was one of the best ever on DGB, which is quite a feat.

  9. Sean, different subject...

    This is screaming for your comment.

    I guess that Erik Karlsson won't be able to lay hands himself. Great comment on Jamison - hopefully he can win the Arizona Lottery.

  10. ah, OV's doing pretty good right now. 7 points in 3 games.

  11. Habs fan here. That Grabovski line was a beaut' !

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  13. Check out my post on the preview for tonight's game and Keslers possible return

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  15. Ryan Kesler's was by far the funniest line! lol