Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Other ways that NHL teams are cutting costs during the lockout

Stanley practices his hitchhiking in
an attempt to find a ride home.
We're now into week two of the NHL lockout, and the financial impact is starting to be felt around the league. But while locked out players have the option of finding jobs overseas, the same can't be said for team employees who are falling victim to layoffs and cutbacks as teams tighten their belts in anticipation of an extended lockout.

Perhaps the most unusual example came last week in Florida, where the Panthers reportedly laid off their mascot. But they weren't the only ones making cutbacks. The Ottawa Senators announced significant staffing reductions, and the Vancouver Canucks informed employees that they'd be forced to work four-day work weeks and accept a 20% pay cut.

Other teams around the league haven't announced major cuts yet, but with everyone feeling the financial pinch every dollar counts. Here are some of the ways that various NHL franchises are trying to save money during the early days of the lockout.

Winnipeg Jets - Now that he's signed a long-term contract, we can probably go ahead and disconnect that giant fluorescent heat lamp we hung over Evander Kane's house to make him think this city sometimes get sunlight.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Make sure the team bus doesn't waste gas on any long and costly trips by firmly wedging a former goaltending coach underneath it.

Minnesota Wild - Lay off the executive vice president in charge of reminding owner Craig Leipold that he's been complaining about massive contracts for years and it would be completely ridiculous of him to start signing them right before a lockout and oh wait I guess they already did that in June.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Sorry, have employed Steve Mason for the past few years, are unfamiliar with the concept of saving anything.

Detroit Red Wings - Oh, just the usual cost-saving measures, like cutting back on office supplies and reducing bonuses and immediately throwing a heavy burlap sack over Jim Devellano's head the next time the media asks to talk to him.

Washington Capitals - Front office staff will be asked to shop around for cheaper prices on the around-the-clock Botox injections they'll need to keep a straight face over Alexander Ovechkin's threats about staying in Europe after the lockout.

Los Angeles Kings - Will reportedly scale back ad buys for their 2012-13 local marketing campaign entitled "Hey Los Angeles, remember that hockey team you were a huge fan of for a few weeks last spring? No, OK didn't think so, sorry to have bothered you."

Edmonton Oilers - Stop paying for that expensive office software that doesn't even do anything other than occasionally pop up an annoying dialog box that says "You are about to post a threat of relocation from the official team Twitter account - Are you sure you don't want to rethink that?"

Philadelphia Flyers -- While it's true that it's in the owners' best interest to damage the morale of the league's highest paid players during the lockout, maybe re-evaluate the cost of that plan to have Ilya Bryzgalov's home surrounded by an army of trained bears.

Phoenix Coyotes - Plan to increase revenue by several millions dollars a year by putting a "leave a penny" jar next to the application form for potential new owners.

San Jose Sharks - Are assuming that they'll be benefitting from much cheaper heating bills during the winter, since every time an expert discusses the team these days they always mention something about a window slamming shut.

New York Islanders - Have temporarily suspended any spending on improvements to the Nassau Coliseum, retroactive to 1983.

Buffalo Sabres - Ask the concession stand employees to defer a percentage of their multi-million dollar signing bonuses and/or no longer allow Terry Pegula to negotiate contracts for the concession stand employees.

Calgary Flames - Will probably just talk endlessly about how we're going to be making them for sure while hoping nobody notices that we don't have any sort of actual plan that would… wait, did you say layoffs? Sorry, we thought you said "playoffs".

Boston Bruins - Owner Jeremy Jacobs will no longer phone Gary Bettman to issue his latest set of orders for the utter destruction of the league while cackling evilly upon a throne made from the skulls of weeping hockey fans; will now Skype him instead.

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  1. Owner Jeremy Jacobs .... LOL Very good till then. Coffee out of my nose after that. :)

  2. simply amazing, the calgary flames one had me in stitches

  3. You bunch of sheep.

  4. I have also heard that the Anaheim Ducks have stopped paying for Ryan Getzlaf's yearly supply of rogaine. Times are tough…

  5. For some reason I pictured Jay Feaster doing a Jim Mora style rant while eating a cheeseburger. "Layoffs?! Don't talk about layoffs! You kidding me?!"

  6. The CBJ one made me snort coffee out my nose. Brilliant! (wish you'd included the remaining teams that aren't mentioned at all, though. I haz a sad...)

  7. Was hoping for a worst officiating calls in NHL history post after last nights NFL touch down.

    1. But who'd want to read a list of the same call mentioned over and over again?

  8. The Oilers could save alot of money on sticks if they made the whole team use Ryan Smyth's 1994 era wood hacker.

  9. Well done, DGB. The Capitals and Islanders were particularly good.

  10. I like this team ... I hope they can do a better job this season!

  11. The Chicago Blackhawks are generating revenue through Wirtz Beverage by giving Patrick KAne extra time off.

  12. Columbus Blue Jackets will save money by talking Steve Nash into playing hockey, which will save money from not having to change the nameplate and number of "61" jerseys. (a la Carter/Johnson 2012)

  13. Winnipeg comment doesn't make sense. If it was Vancouver in winter then yeah. But Winnipeg in winter is very cold, AND sunny.

    the rest of it was OK. 3/5

  14. Colorado Avalanche have thought about laying off their full-time goalie coach.