Tuesday, June 19, 2012

2012 NHL Draft Preview

Unsurprisingly, Brian Burke is desperate to trade up
for the one who apparently can't tie a necktie.
With the Stanley Cup final wrapping up last Monday, hockey fans were forced to endure over one full week without any major NHL news. Luckily, our long collective nightmare is now over: The NHL draft starts on Friday night, and we can spend the rest of the week speculating about which young players will wind up where.

Of course, NHL scouting departments have been preparing for this weekend for months. They've compiled detailed reports on each player available and can recite their strengths and weaknesses with ease. But the casual fan may only be getting caught up on the top prospect now, which doesn't leave much time to cram before things get started on Friday.

Here's a look at some of the names that fans can expect to hear called early in the 2012 NHL draft.

Nail Yakupov - The consensus top pick has recently added a previously unseen physical aspect to his game, according to all those holes he punched in his wall after watching the Oilers win the draft lottery.

Alex Galchenyuk - Impressed scouts at the combine by showing off his surgically repaired left knee, although some admit they'd have felt even better if it hadn't been inside a jar with holes poked in the lid.

Ryan Murray - The young blueliner has been described as a perfect fit for the New York Islanders, so apparently he's really good at turning to the referee and saying "I think our goalie's bones just exploded".

Filip Forsberg - Is often incorrectly assumed to be related to former NHL star Peter Forsberg, which is understandable since he's Swedish, an excellent two-way center, and retired from hockey four separate times last season.

Morgan Rielly - His skating skill has consistently been described as being off the charts, proving once and for all that NHL teams should really think about investing in some larger charts.

Mikhail Grigorenko - Is among the draft's most talented players but has seen his stock fall due to lingering questions about his work ethic, which is concerning because teenagers are normally so strong in that area.

Teuvo Teravainen - Has several head scouts pushing hard for their teams to select him in the first round, since a careful review of all available prospects reveals that his name would be the most fun to say into a microphone in front of thousands of people.

Radek Faksa - Experts have cautioned that it's unrealistic to expect him to be ready to step in a play in the NHL right away, since the season doesn't start for several months.

Griffin Reinhart - If the name sounds familiar it's because he was one of the best all-around defensemen in WHL last season and/or it's what you call your chaotic-neutral paladin character in Dungeons & Dragons.

Mathew Dumba - Has a reputation for delivering crushing open-ice body checks, which should make him extra valuable during the next few years when those are still legal.

Zemgus Girgensons - While scouts' opinions aren't unanimous, is still generally considered to be one of the three or four best Zemguses available in this year's draft.

Stefan Matteau - Is the son of former NHL player Stephane Matteau, who apparently decided to give him the same first name but spelled it differently and we're all just supposed to be OK with this.

Olli Maatta - Has been the subject of intense trade speculation, as rumors swirl that he may be willing to pull the trigger on the long-rumored deal to send one of his extra vowels to Martin Frk.

Henrik Samuelsson - Has been following in the footsteps of his father Ulf, which is tricky since it involves a lot of stepping over hockey players who are rolling around in agony while clutching their knees.

Malcolm Subban - The consensus top goaltender in the draft would be an ideal pick for the Maple Leafs, since from a young age he's had extensive experience dealing with an incredibly aggravating PK.




39 comments:

  1. Love the Subban comment....hilarious

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  2. I hate to be "That Guy" but paladin's can only be Lawful Good in Dungeons & Dragons. Use the fact that you didn't know that as a weapon next time someone calls you a nerd.

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    1. A guy who knows about alignments in D&D has to know a paladin can only be LG. I thought that made the joke funnier.

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    2. The sad thing is I actually knew that. I left it in to see how long it would take for people to start pointing it out (result: less than ten minutes, via Twitter).

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    3. DGB's D&D games in the 80s must've been fun. Were you beating up on the evil Ballardragon?

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    4. Dammit, was just going to bring that up myself...

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    5. MRTIN FRK Hilarious

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    6. Damn, and here I was hoping to be the first - should have known that there were bigger geeks than me on the internet.

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    7. They can be whatever alignment they want in 4th Ed. That is, if anyone actually played 4th Ed. The More You Know!

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    8. I PLAY FOURTH EDITION!

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    9. Dragon magazine did variants for all the alignments. I think it is this one: http://dndrealmsofadventure.tripod.com/anarch.htm

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  3. Some good ones, but a little heavy on the name jokes.

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  4. The Olli Maata one made me laugh unexpectedly hard.

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  5. Don't be so critical over the necktie, Ed Belfour worked out well in Toronto!

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    1. The joke isn't criticizing the lack of tie, it's poking fun at the fact that Burke's always wearing an untied one.

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  6. How you can tell nobody knows anything about these guys: Almost every joke was based on their names. Still funny, the Subban joke cracked me up.

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  7. I believe the plural of "Zemgus" is Zemgi.

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    1. Actually, it's an irregular noun. Catches a lot of people out. HTH

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  8. All of these were extremely funny, but I loved the joke about the NY Islanders' goalie. And I laughed at the Filip Forsberg one, too! :-)

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  9. every one was just gold!

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  10. Loved this one, pure gold mate, pure gold.

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  11. I'm impressed/disappointed that there's no Slater Koekkoek joke here.

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  12. The Subban one was by far the best, I love that there are three layers to the joke.

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  13. Like most everyone, I was of course deeply offended by your hurtful, and inappropriate comments regarding chaotic-neutral paladin characters .

    It is indeed unfortunate that Lawful Good individuals are sadly, still occasionally being subjected to these types of narrow minded attacks in this day and age.

    You sir, owe all Dungeon and Dragons characters, (and people named "Zemgus") an immediate apology.

    (But, aside from that whole "mantra of hatred thing", as usual, the rest of it was pretty damned funny!)

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    1. I think you forgot the BOOYAH!

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  14. The Mikhail Grigorenko and Zemgus Girgensons made me laugh so hard my boss promptly came over to see what I was doing, and thus got me fired for reading blogs.

    just kidding, but he did get mad at me lmao....

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  15. What?? No jokes on Jakub Trouba, who one could sing songs about his hockey prowess

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  16. Oh man, I thought I was the only one bothered by that Matteau thing. Good stuff.

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    1. Count me in. I was going through some draft rankings the other day and kept coming back to the Stefan thing. Should have just named him Stefan Mattoe just to see if anyone would notice

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  17. || Henrik Samuelsson - Has been following in the footsteps of his father Ulf, which is tricky since it involves a lot of stepping over hockey players who are rolling around in agony while clutching their knees. ||

    I miss Ulf. Of course, sometimes I miss Tom Barrasso too.

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  18. Long-time reader. Just wanted to say that you are a true genius, "one of his extra vowels," hahahaha. Ever thought of writing a book?

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  19. Nabokov's bones are not exploding. You guys need to come up with better material for the Islanders, preferably things that at least have something to do with the guys who actually start games and play on the ice for the team.

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  20. There's an Islander fan on here? Wtf hahahaha!

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  21. Second Islanders fan here, and I'll respectfully disagree. We have at least another 9 years of exploding bones to look forward to.

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  22. As a father of a teenage hockey player, your observation on Mikhail Grigorenko's work ethic was right on the money...

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  23. I'm a Habs fan and that Subban line was hysterical! :) WTG (as always)

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  24. With Nail Yakupov joining the Edmonton forwards, the Oilers could very well score 6-7 goals a night, but unfortunately the defense will still give up 8 per night.

    Hope it works for the Oilers.

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  25. Radek Faksa! LOL.

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