Saturday, May 26, 2012

Take the quiz: How well do you know the LA Kings?

While the Rangers and Devils were continuing their battle for Eastern Conference supremacy last night, the team they were competing to face in the Finals was enjoying some time off. The Los Angeles Kings wrapped up their series with the Coyotes on Tuesday to complete a stunning 12-2 run through the Western Conference, and will likely enter the Finals as the consensus favorite.

That's a shocking development, considering they barely made the playoffs and were considered a team in turmoil only a few months ago. Combine their lackluster season with their status as a West coast franchise that typically doesn't get much coverage in the rest of North America, and it's likely that many hockey fans don't know as much about the team as they'd like.

How well do you know the Los Angeles Kings? Take this quiz and find out.

For their debut season in 1967, team owners chose the colors purple and gold for the Kings' first uniforms because:
a.) They were considered traditional colors of royalty.
b.) They were the same colors worn by the Los Angeles Lakers.
c.) They wanted to use up at least one eye-gougingly awful color combination before the mid-90s expansion teams arrived and took them all.
d.) Hey, nothing says intimidation like a mildly bruised banana.

In the late 1970s, the line of Marcel Dionne, Charlie Simmer and Dave Taylor was known as "The Triple Crown Line" because:
a.) There were three of them, and the Kings' logo was a crown.
b.) The phrase "triple crown" is frequently used in various sports to denote excellence.
c.) The long-time NHL employee in charge of naming lines by just taking each player's initial and making it spell something was apparently sick that day.
d.) They wanted to save the name "600 lbs of unstoppable force" for future use by Dustin Penner.

The last time the Kings made it this deep into the postseason was in 1993, a playoff run which you remember fondly because:
a.) The Kings were a scrappy underdog that played with plenty of heart.
b.) It featured Wayne Gretzky playing arguably the greatest hockey of his legendary career.
c.) Pictures of Barry Melrose's mullet make you feel better about your own high school yearbook photos.
d.) Casually bringing up that year's playoffs still instantly causes any nearby Maple Leaf fan to fall over and twitch on the ground.

The mid- and late-1990's were disappointing for Kings fans, because:
a.) The team had to file for bankruptcy due to overspending on player contracts
b.) Wayne Gretzky was traded to the St. Louis Blues without ever bringing a championship to LA.
c.) That guy who does their twitter account barely tweeted anything funny at all.
d.) They realized their long-time "Ensure success by just collecting all of last year's Edmonton Oilers" strategy had a possible flaw.

Los Angeles sports events tend to bring out celebrities. The biggest star you can expect to see at this year's Stanley Cup Finals is:
a.) Famous mega-celebrities like Brad Pitt or Scarlett Johansson.
b.) Well-known hockey fans like Cuba Gooding Jr. or Rainn Wilson.
c.) A confused Jack Nicholson wondering why everyone is just playing through their injuries instead of making a big deal out of every bruised shin or tummy ache.
d.) Some old guy who says he's Paulina Gretzky's dad.

If the Kings' can go on to win the Stanley Cup, captain Dustin Brown can expect to get his hands on the Conn Smythe Trophy as playoff MVP if:
a.) He continues his dominant physical play.
b.) He can score one or two more clutch goals when the team needs him most.
c.) He manages to recover from whatever inner-ear injury he recently suffered that makes him dramatically fall over every time anyone brushes up against him.
d.) Jonathan Quick lets him borrow it.

Once the Finals begin, Kings coach Darryl Sutter will come to be known as:
a.) The only coach to reach the Finals by eliminating the #1, #2 and #3 seed in his conference with two different teams.
b.) A fierce competitor attempting to win his first career Stanley Cup.
c.) The latest reason your Flames fan friend randomly breaks into tears so often.
d.) Smiley McChatterbox, according to east-coast media who've spent the last six weeks covering John Tortorella.

With a full week between the end of their third round series and the start of the Finals, the Kings will be using their time off to:
a.) Break down video of their possible opponents and devise an effective gameplan.
b.) Rest and recuperate from various injuries.
c.) Go up to everyone they see, ask what the score of last night's Flyers' game was, and then laugh hysterically while enthusiastically high-fiving (Mike Richards and Jeff Carter only)
d.) Obsessively measure and re-measure their stick curves.

Congratulations, you've completed the quiz! Now tally up your score to find out how you did.
Mostly a: You know a lot about the Los Angeles Kings.
Mostly b: You know a little bit about the Los Angeles Kings.
Mostly c: You should be deeply embarrassed by your complete and utter lack of knowledge when it comes to the Los Angeles Kings.
Mostly d: Hello, member of the local Los Angeles sports media!


  1. Smiley McChatterbox had me giggling to myself like a lunatic for the last half hour!

    1. Yeah that was a good one. I think I have a new name for my boss!

  2. You're assuming that the LA sports media knows about the Kings. If you read the article that talked about line changes this week in the LA Times, you'd change your mind.

    If you are going to mention Paulina Gretzky, you need to post a picture, or will the National Post bar your column?

    Oh, and what is the deal with the 1993 Leafs?

    1. If you're serious about asking about the '93 Leafs, I think you made DGB cry. As penance, go to his Greatest Hits and read his Kings/Leafs 1993 liveblog.

  3. I have to stop reading your columns at work - all my coworkers see is me laughing to myself like a nut and they don't understand why. The question about Darryl Sutter loses the funny factor when you try to explain it to a bunch of people who don't know and don't care about hockey... :/

  4. The Richards and Carter one was hilarious!

  5. Seriously dude, you're a genius. 1c is probably one of the best lines you've ever written.

  6. Why is 'colour' spelt without the 'u'? You would think a national Canadian newspaper would encourage national Canadian spelling.

  7. No joke about the LA media using the Sacramento Kings logo?

  8. Superb work, as always! :)

  9. Good thing the line-naming guy was sick, cause the Triple Crown line could have been the STD line :$

  10. You could have added that just like '93, the Kings make it to the Final on missed major penalty call!

    1. Yeah, because they've been giving out majors for "kneeing" all playoffs long.

      Hi, Derek Morris, good to see you!

  11. Hahaha ah the good ol famous stick curve.... and to think it was McSorleys stick as well. Just as long as no Kings try to use it as an axe blade they should be fine.

  12. Ive been a Kings fan since the day Gretzky got traded from the Oilers. I live in Southern Ontario and it is my dream to go see game 4. Tickets seems either very difficult or really pricey thru ticket sites. Was was excited when i scoored tickets but the Rangers just tied it up So if i do end up going to L.A. I want to party with some die hard Kings fans .

  13. "Mike Richards and Jeff Carter only"

    Don't forget Gagne. And half the front office, it seems.

  14. Can anyone read "Flames fan friend" out loud 5 times fast?

  15. I'm afraid I didn't know that much about the Kings but hopefully i will be forgiven since I live in Finland =)

  16. Umm, I hate to be the one point out a logical flaw in a (hillarious) comedy piece, but if "D" answers are a joke on the local L.A. media not paying attention to the club, and answer "D" for the Darryl Sutter pegs you as one of the East Coast media who ignores West Coast teams, whom is the joke really on?

    Answer: me, for being one of the few people who likes to score himself on these DGB "quizzes" to determine my place in the hockey world.

  17. Regarding 4 (d), collecting old Oilers... it worked for the '94 Rangers - and nothing else does.

  18. This being LA, the media might not be able to tell Penner from Doughty, but they will get the name of every celebrity exactly right.

  19. "Hey, nothing says intimidation like a mildly bruised banana." I have never laughed harder.

  20. As a bitter Flyers fan....realy REALLY did not like the Richards/Carter line....<>