Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Montreal Canadiens' application form for the vacant GM job

Please please please please
The Montreal Canadiens have started the process of finding a replacement for fired general manager Pierre Gauthier. Plenty of candidates have already been rumored as favorites, but the team has promised that they'll consider anyone.

Apparently they're not kidding. A source in Montreal has informed me that anyone can apply for the job by filling out a simple application form. I've received a copy of the form and reproduced it below, just in case any readers are interested in throwing their hat into the ring.

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Thank you for your interest in applying for the vacant position of General Manager of the Montreal Canadiens. Please note that this application form is available in both French and English.

Why do you want to be the next general manager of the Montreal Canadiens?
( ) In current front office job, am getting tired of constantly being called an idiot by the media in only one language.
( ) Have a rare form of amnesia where I constantly forget how many Stanley Cups my team has won; would like work someplace where I'll be reminded every few minutes.
( ) Have reviewed the current roster and prospect pool, and enjoy the idea of having the next four or five springs off.
( ) Without revealing my current job, let's just say I get a little tired of being stuck in between two coaches pretending to want to fight each other.

Ideally, the successful candidate would be bilingual. Do you speak French?
( ) I speak fluent French.
( ) I speak high-school level French.
( ) I speak Randy Cunneyworth-level French.
( ) I didn't think I knew how to swear in French, but then I read the details of Scott Gomez's contract and found out I was wrong.

Montreal is known for a passionate fan base. What are your impressions of Canadiens fans?
( ) I admire their passion, although I'm still not sure why three of them are standing a few feet away while I fill this out and booing me.
( ) I recently worked for a southern-based US team and have never dealt with anything like what you have in Montreal, by which I mean hockey fans.
( ) Have to admit that it's nice to see some Canadian fans who know how to riot after a playoff game without immediately tagging themselves in photos of it on Facebook.
( ) I have completely forgiven them for forcing my trade to Colorado by booing me during a blowout loss and am certainly not applying for this job as part of some devious long-running revenge plot, so let's just change the subject.

It's important to learn from past mistakes. What would you do differently than previous Montreal GMs?
( ) Respond to every crisis by reflexively trading for players who can speak French, instead of responding to every crisis by reflexively trading for players whose names just make it seem like they can speak French.
( ) When trading for struggling veterans on a long-term deal, do not simply look at their recent stats and then assume that extra zero at the end of their cap hit must be a typo.
( ) No more firing coaches minutes before a game begins; have a big hook come down from the rafters and pluck them off the bench in the middle of a period instead.
( ) Maybe hire some scouts or something.

A successful GM can impart a sense of optimism to fans. Please highlight something positive about the current roster.
( ) The team is practically unbeatable when Andrei Markov is healthy, so that's like having a four point head start every year.
( ) Carey Price has firmly established himself as one of the NHL's elite goalies, so we should be able to trade him for some spare parts any time now.
( ) Most of the roster is young and in good health, so it's possible that a few of them will still be playing when Josh Gorges' contract finally expires.
( ) Montreal has the only fans in the league that don't have to wake up each morning and immediately think "Man, I really hope my team doesn't go out and acquire Tomas Kaberle today".

Finally, if you are the chosen candidate, when would you be available to start work?
( ) Am available immediately.
( ) Am available starting next Monday
( ) Would need to give two weeks' notice at my current job.
( ) Will probably not be available until the end of next season, although the way things are going around here maybe check back with me in November.

Wait. Burkie? Is that you?
( ) Um… how do you hang up on an application form?

This concludes the application. If you chose to fill out the French version, please place it in a sealed envelope and submit it to our human resources department. If you filled out the English version, please save us all time by placing it directly into your recycling bin.




33 comments:

  1. The Kaberle line was the best. Loved it.

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    1. As a Habs fan, I must admit I smirked at this one, but at least they didn't trade a 1st round pick for him (Boston). He still puts up decent points and is a decent 4-5 D-man

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    2. ...except Boston had the 30th pick and they won the cup. So really, who cares?

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  2. I love the caption of Jean Fèrgusonne Subalterne. "J'aime ballons!"

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  3. Best line:
    "...reflexively trading for players whose names just make it seem like they can speak French."
    Hehehe. Good stuff.

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  4. having a rough day until I read the title of this edition of Down Goes Brown...content great as always... now back to the rough day

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  5. If they want springs off, they would be best served applying for a team that never makes the playofs *cough* Toronto *cough* as opposed to the team that missed it for the first time since the lockout and likely won't miss them again for quite some time to come. That's like applying to the Yankees because you don't want to do anything during October instead of opting for a club like say Toronto again.

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    1. "as opposed to the team that missed it for the first time since the lockout and likely won't miss them again for quite some time to come"

      LOL. You do realize that Montreal is likely finishing in 2nd-3rd last place in the NHL this year, and your farm team is currently tied for 4th last in the AHL right now... Where do you expect that this team is going to make the playoffs on a consistent basis? Montreal is entering what Toronto entered 5 years ago. Good luck with that.

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    2. Montreal is in for tough times but the bull that's tolerated here in Toronto would never be tolerated by fans there. They pretty vocal and if need be physical about what they want.

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    3. Most teams that lose their top defenceman, top forward and all three captains for the vast majority of the season are likely going to finish with fewer points than they would likely have had otherwise. They'll be right back where they normally are next year though, the Leafs on the other hand.... well they'll be right back where they normally are next year as well.

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    4. Not that it means much but the Habs also missed the playoffs the year the Isles beat Clemmensen in the SO.

      Also "maybe hire some scouts" was my favourite line

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    5. Perhaps your "top defenseman" shouldn't have a ticking time bomb for a knee. He should never have been relied on as a top defenseman in the first place.

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    6. LOL. Gotta love another butthurt Habs fan...

      Btw, they missed in 2007 too, when the Leafs eliminated them in the last game of the season... LOL enjoy the cellar for the next 5 years with Andrei "Glass Knee" Markov and PK "Giveaway".

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  6. You're better than jokes about Southern hockey markets. I can read those jokes on Twitter 50 times a day.

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  7. Not sure if you're taking requests, but can we please see something evaluating Millbury's qualifications to say anything about the game? Do we really need a younger Don Cherry?

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  8. "No more firing coaches minutes before a game begins; have a big hook come down from the rafters and pluck them off the bench in the middle of a period instead."
    I LOL'd. That would be awesome.

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  9. Hey! Gorges has a good deal! I mean.

    Aweosme work. I'm going to go sulk now.

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  10. I usually find your jabs at Montreal fair thus funny but some of these are pretty off even as jokes. Montreal has good scouting and a decent prospect pool (probably top 1/3 of the NHL, maybe top 1/2) depending on what you consider prospects (Pacioretty, Eller, etc) and in the past 4-5 years (results pending on the most recent years) have made several excellent picks even with mid tier picks.

    To be honest Montreal just needs a GM that doesn't panic and can actually manage assets instead of pressing the panic button every time something goes wrong.

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    1. You're right.. The farm team is fantastic, I mean look at how good the Bulldogs are this year!

      Oh, wait..

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    2. The buldogs are there since half of that team is in Montreal and the other half in injured. Part of the bulldogs are Actually Oilers prospects.
      Also canadiens CHL players are doing amazingly good. Timmins is one of the best scouts out there.

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    3. Err...not a single player on the Bulldogs is an Oilers prospect. That was the case in 2007.

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  11. No PK Slewfoot jokes, I'm amazed.

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  12. The McGuire jab is DGB at his best: a subtle punch to the face (the only place where this sentence kinda make sense)

    No 911 jokes ? You, sir, are the Bob Dylan of the internets: always where we don't expect it, never on schedule but always on time.

    Habs addict here, just reminding those saying our farm is a bottom-dweller: makes perfect sense, they're almost all in Mtl. Next year's roster will be quite different though, you read it here first. Meanwhile, take solace in knowing that we'll probably still see Kadri with the Marlies...And when the Habs tank, boy do we tank. We'll show Toronto how to do this: if you won't get to the playoffs, stop pretending to be good and get the best pick available. Make it worth it. Edmonton will get a cup before the Weeds, even the 'Peg might get a shot before them. The Weeds even suck at being truculent, which is a shame since Burkie already threw out his thesaurus.

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  13. A quick look at Habs' draft picks for last few years shows Price, Weber, Pacioretty and Subban as regulars coming from draft picks. Leblanc is a part time piece. From those same draft years, a quick look at performance at current level of play indicates very little in the way of exciting prospects. So what am I missing? The AHL team sucks because half of them are in the NHL, where they are sucking as well. Few if any of them are from the top end of their draft year. I don't get how anyone can conclude that their recent drafting has been even adequate let alone in the top 3rd.

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    1. Trust me, nobody is concluding that Leafs drafting is in the top 3rd...

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  14. Ha ha. Laughing at Habs fans that can't take a joke and their "Wait Until Next Year" mantras. Don't know what will happen next year but I do know this is funny now.
    Like the Nashville Predators, DGB is all about winning today.

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  15. "Montreal is in for tough times but the bull that's tolerated here in Toronto would never be tolerated by fans there. They pretty vocal and if need be physical about what they want."

    No, of course not, because clearly firing the GM every year if the team doesn't win two playoff rounds is the perfect plan to build a winner!

    See, the problem with firing the GM is, it means if there was a plan, it's all over. This may or may not be a good thing (see: Mike Milbury's "make the stupidest trades in NHL history" plan for the Islanders), but when it happens, you'd better be looking at both your regular and farm teams and how they're doing, because odds are, that's what you're going to be seeing for the next few years, barring surprise trades out of nowhere.

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    1. Not sure about your point here, you think Burkie is doing a good job and should not be fired?

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  16. That one fired GM since the lockout really solidifies your point.

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  17. Why do you want to be the next general manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs?

    ( ) Have a rare form of amnesia where I constantly forget how many years its been since my team has made the playoffs; would like work someplace where I'll be reminded every few minutes.

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  18. get rid of the navbar!

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