Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Other NHL team grievances

Dishonesty and incompetence involving
the LA Kings and a guy named Fraser?
But that would never happen!
The Los Angeles Kings aren't very happy these days, and they've let the league know it. On Friday, reports emerged that the Kings have filed an official grievance with the NHL over the recent trade that sent Ryan Smyth to Edmonton in exchange for Colin Fraser.

The Kings say that Fraser's ankle injury is more significant than they were led to believe, while the Oilers say they shared all the medical information they had. As per league rules, both sides in the dispute will get a chance to present their case to commissioner Gary Bettman, who settles all formal grievances.

That means that Bettman could be a busy man this summer, since it turns out that the Kings aren't the only team with something to be unhappy about these days. Sources tell me that the NHL has actually received a list of grievances from various NHL teams.

Here are some the NHL teams lining up to have their complaints heard:

Florida Panthers - The league's out-of-control salary floor increases have forced the team to fill the roster with players who are overpaid and barely average, instead of players who are underpaid and terrible like our fans have become used to.

Winnipeg Jets - Players have been reluctant to appear in local promotional events during the Winnipeg summer ever since that one minor incident a few weeks ago when Dustin Byfuglien was carried away by a mosquito.

New York Islanders - While the original prank call to Alexei Yashin was hilarious, the way he keeps eagerly calling us back every day now "just to check in" is starting to make us feel sort of bad.

Toronto Maple Leafs - General manager Brian Burke has allowed himself to become so distracted with trips to Afghanistan and other public appearances that he can't even be bothered to perform basic job functions, such as giving the Nashville Predators something half decent in return for Cody Frasnon.

Detroit Red Wings - Thought it would be a nice gesture to have recently retired Chris Osgood mentor the organization's young goalies, but it turns out the only advice he ever gives them is "Always make sure you play on a team with at least 15 or 16 players who are way better than you."

Columbus Blue Jackets - Rumoured out-of-control partier Jeff Carter didn't waste any time in visiting the most exciting spot in all of Columbus, although in fairness he didn't have much choice since it's the lost luggage counter at the airport.

Vancouver Canucks - The league continues to display a blatant and unmistakable pro-Boston bias, as so far this summer every single player to get a day with the Stanley Cup has been a Bruin.

New York Rangers - We're starting to get concerned that every time we refer to Brad Richard's contract as a "nine-year" deal by using finger quotes and then nudging him playfully in the ribs while winking, he just looks at us all confused instead of nudging and winking back.

Montreal Canadiens - Our attempts to trade Scott Gomez have so far been thwarted by old-fashioned opposing general managers who still insist on relying on out-dated concepts like "scouts" and "statistics" and "common sense".

Anaheim Ducks - We've been talking to Teemu Selanne about a potential return since the season ended. No, literally. He started telling us a story about what it was like to break into the league as a rookie in the 1940s eight weeks ago and we haven't been able to get a word in since.

New Jersey Devils - Don't want to sound paranoid, but can't help but think the league is just being petty when they threaten to void Zach Parise's new contract because too much of the money is front-loaded into the first year.

Philadelphia Flyers - Everyone's making a big deal out of this whole "Dry Island" controversy, but our organization has been encouraging alcohol-free policies for years; for example, it's been over 35 years since any of us had a drop of champagne.


  1. Dishonesty and incompetence involving
    the LA Kings and a guy named Fraser?
    But that would never happen!

    that earns 5 stars in my book.

  2. This post is so unrealistic. Some people in Philly still drink champagne.


  3. Mike... wow. You missed the point by a country mile.

    Well done, DGB. Franson and Philly jokes were the funniest ones :D

  4. Hey, lay off Osgood a bit. The guy's statistics are more impressive than you give him credit for.

    Granted, he did earn his one career goal against a team that no longer exists, but...

  5. Love the New Jersey one!

    Let me help "Mike," some people drink champagne in Philadelphia, they are just not Flyers.

  6. Very funny stuff, DGB. The Yashin jokes never get old. And the photo caption was the best part! :)

  7. From the excitement of the Richards trade to agonizing over Lombardi's bizarre obsessiveness with a low-paid fourth-liner... weird couple of months.

    Mind you, I think this is all just a smokescreen because Lombardi's trying to obfuscate the fact that he really, really, REALLY didn't want to pay Smyth's cap hit this year. So he's all "Injury! Grievance! ButseriouslyGaryjustgiveusa7thandpromisehe'sgone...."

  8. Excellent, as always.

    "The Kings say that Fraser's ankle injury is more significant than they were lead to believe"

    ...should be "were led to believe". I only point it out because you've set a high standard :-)

  9. I no understand joke. Garth call me.

  10. I am starting to feel beaten by these Mike the Insecure Flyer Fan jokes...

  11. Yeah, I think we may have created a monster way back in the first post he popped up in. It was hilarious at the time, but every post?

    Anyway: the Selanne and Byfuglien jokes are glorious. The mental image of Buff getting carried off into the sky, wailing in terror had me on the floor. Well done as always.

  12. You had me from the photo caption.

    Seriously - you could do one whole posts of your
    photo captions and it would KILL!

    Great job as usual!

  13. Overheard part of the Selanne conversation. Went something like this.

    "We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones."

  14. I for one support the continuing inside joke of Mike the Flyers Fan, frankly I would like to see every DGB post from now on include at least one Claude Giroux reference so as to facilitate further Mike comments.

  15. No love for the Parise quip? That was a great line.

  16. Cary (why should I change my name? He's the one who sucks)August 3, 2011 at 9:50 AM

    Excellent job working the Fraser joke in there

  17. As a lifelong Flyers fan, all I can say is, ouch.....

  18. oh come on Makspinky, if you're a long time Flyers fan, you're used to pain and disappointment.