Why is Mats Sundin still playing?

Here's something to ponder while we wait for the season to end: Why would a 37-year-old with a torn groin muscle risk further injury to continue playing in completely meaningless games?

This being the Leafs, of course, we don't really know how bad Mats Sundin's injury is. But we do know that he couldn't play last Tuesday in the most important game of the season. With the Leafs facing a game they absolutely had to win, Sundin couldn't go. Not even part-time duty. And yet four days later, there he was taking a regular shift for a game against Montreal that didn't mean a thing.

Could he really gone from "can't play at all" to "100% healthy" in four days? Not likely. And if he's still hurt, there must be at least some risk of reinjury. With the season already a writeoff, why not pack it in now and focus on doing whatever it takes to get healthy for next year -- whether that means surgery, treatment, or just a few weeks of rest?

The decision to keep suiting up simply doesn't make any sense.

Unless...

Unless Mats knows something we don't.

Maybe he doesn't care about being healthy for next year, because he knows there won't be one. If Mats has already decided to retire -- or is strongly leaning that way -- then it would make sense to keep playing. Maybe he suspects that this is his last week as an NHL player. Maybe he doesn't want to go out like Doug Gilmour, stuck on the injured list and watching from the press box.

Maybe not. Maybe he's just making a bad choice. It certainly wouldn't be the first time this year.

But things sure makes a lot more sense when you look at them this way, doesn't it?

Fade to black. Roll credits.

Have you ever watched a movie with a tacked on ending that doesn't work with the rest of the story? It feels wrong, like it was from a different film, and it ruins the whole experience.

And then sometimes you get the other side of the coin. The ending that just fits, that nails the tone of the story exactly. An entire storyline summarized in one perfect scene.

Last night was one of those perfect endings.

There's no better single scene you could choose to describe this Leafs season than Kessel's back-breaker goal: a younger, faster opponent breaking in to score, while a Leaf trails behind him, not skating hard, complaining to the officials.

That's what this team has become. They don't work hard. They don't skate. And they always find somebody else to blame.

It's a tribute to this team's core leadership that a young player like Kronwall can come up, play only a handful of games, and still know exactly how to handle the situation. His reaction was right about of the Bryan McCabe playbook.

(For his part McCabe, as PPP points out, was quick to play the injury card after the game. Stick to that script, Bryan. As always.)

So the good news is, the Leafs 2007/8 movie ended perfectly. The bad news is we'd already seen it -- twice, in fact. Damn sequels. And I hear that Peddie Productions are already working on another one.

After all, the critics hate them, but they make a killing at the box office.

How to fight when you don't want to fight

By now you've seen the bizarre footage of Patrick Roy's son "fighting" an opponent over the weekend. Jonathan Roy has been suspended seven games for his actions during the brawl, which saw him charge the length of the ice to decimate opposing goaltender Bobby Nadeau, who clearly wanted no part of the scrap.

Now clearly there is a time and place for walking away from a fight. In fact, it's generally a very good idea, especially if you have reason to believe you're going to lose. But even from a pacifist's point of view, Nadeau's performance was pathetic -- he made virtually no effort to defend himself, and wound up curled on the ice like a wounded puppy.

What's a self-respecting man supposed to do in this situation? It's hard to say. So as a public service, I've gone over various scenarios to come up with a list of possible responses. In order, from best-case to worst, here's a list of nine options to consider if you ever find yourself in Nadeau's position .

Best case scenario: Clearly communicate that you are a pacifist and would prefer a non-violent solution. If forced to fight, beat opponent to bloody pulp. Calmly leave like it was no big deal.

Examples: Felix Potvin vs. Ron Hextall. Youngblood vs. Racki. Nolan Ryan vs. Robin Ventura. Mr. Miyagi vs. the guys dressed up as skeletons


If you can't do that, then: Accept invitation to fight despite overwhelming odds. Fight valiantly, eventually losing but sending the clear message that you won't be intimidated, thus winning a moral victory.

Examples: Spartans vs. Persians. Martin Biron vs. Ray Emery. Craig Coxe vs. Bob Probert. Zack Morris vs. A.C. Slater.


If you can't do that, then: Throw early sucker punch. Assume fighting stance a few feet from opponent. If opponent attempts to advance, slowly back away. Wave away anyone who tries to intervene. Continue backing away while looking like you really want to fight. Hope opponent will die of old age and/or Dave Manson will eventually save you.

Examples: Denis Savard vs. Gary Leeman. Every NBA fight ever.


If you can't do that, then: Try to look as tough as possible immediately before the fight. Once fight begins, throw a few punches early. Realize you are going to die. Make peace with your god.

Examples: Pretty much everyone who ever tried to fight Wendel Clark.


If you can't do that, then: Stand frozen like a deer caught in headlights. Once touched, immediately curl up into a ball on the floor. Make no attempt to fight back. Whimper girlishly. Watch highlights of self on youtube for rest of eternity.

Example: Bobby Nadeau vs. Jonathan Roy. Chris Neil vs. Chris Dingman. Me, if anyone I make fun of on this blog ever confronts me about it.


If you can't do that, then: Relax all muscles. Go completely limp. Cling to larger opponent. Cry loudly. Poop a little bit.

Examples: Roy vs. Montecore. Bryan McCabe vs. Zdeno Chara. My one-year-old daughter vs. the word "no".


If you can't do that, then: Run screaming to nearest exit. If no exit found, just flee in circles in hopes opponent will lose interest. Flail hands above head (optional).

Examples: The Owen Sound Platters vs. Jeff Kugel. Kazuhiko Daimon vs. Rod Allen.


If you can't do that, then: Defecate on ice. Fling poo at enemies to keep them away from you.

Examples: The monkey from Most Valuable Primate (director's cut edition only). Most Sean Avery fights.


If you can't do that, then: Stand still. Slump shoulders. Begin to cry.

Example: Oliver McCall vs. Lennox Lewis. Me vs. realization I am a Leafs fan.

I think that covers it. Did I miss any?

I see dead people

So it's over.

Well, that's not technically true. It's been over for a long time -- months, really. But now it's official.

Except it isn't, which is why the Leafs will continue to play Toskala every night and cut back on the kids' ice time and all the other things Maurice is doing because he knows he's going to be fired as soon as the season ends. They need another loss or two to be mathematically eliminated, and that could take a while because we know how well this team plays when the games don't mean anything.

Bryan McCabe, the "star" defenceman with the huge salary and no-movement clause, took a penalty last night for intentionally shooting the puck into the stands after a goal. Yes, it was a must-win game, and yes the Leafs could absolutely not afford to give up another powerplay. But McCabe is the master of the childish on-ice tantrum, and you have to let your players do what they do best.

Wouldn't it be great to see Maurice put McCabe in the pressbox for Thursday's game? You know, just to send a message about leadership and maturity and putting the team first. Maybe McCabe would get the hint. Or maybe he'd sulk and pout, which would be fine too -- if he gets mad enough, maybe he'll even stand up to his wife long enough to allow a trade out of town this summer.

It won't happen, of course. Maurice knows that it's much easier to talk tough about accountability without ever backing it up. But it's a nice thought.

¹Yes, this suggestion is a classic Damien Cox #3. If you can't beat them, join them.

Maurice talks tough

In his post-game scrum tonight, Maurice was asked about the Leafs' effort against the high-scoring Sabres. He attributed it to having players who know that if they don't take care of their defensive responsibilities, "they won't play".

Strong words indeed, and it had the Sportsnet crew singing his praises.

Here's a question: has Maurice benched anyone besides Kyle Wellwood all season, for poor defensive play or any other reason? Even for a shift? Or is it just more empty talk from a team that seems to specialize in it?

There have been some truly awful efforts that went unpunished, but I can't think of anyone who was actually held accountable. Can you?