Tuesday, January 29, 2013

So you've scored a goal: The etiquette of NHL celebrations

He skated as far as he could as fast as he
could and when it was over he was devastated
to realize he was still in Edmonton.

Edmonton Oiler rookie Nail Yakupov managed to make himself the talk of the hockey world last week when he celebrated a last-second goal against the Kings with an extended slide down the length of the rink.

While many chalked the moment up to youthful enthusiasm, others weren't so kind. Don Cherry called him an idiot, and many fans of other teams were even harsher. But was the criticism justified? After all, has anyone ever actually documented what exactly a player is allowed to do when they score?

They have, as it turns out. But apparently Yakupov didn't get the memo. So for the benefit of him and any other rookies who missed it, here's the official NHL etiquette for celebrating.

Do: Celebrate your 50th goal of the season by pretending that your hockey stick has caught on fire.
Do not: Forget to check your insurance company's fire policy first, to make sure they'll eventually replace your stick with one that can still score goals.

Do: Borrow the signature celebration of the Green Bay Packers by leaping into the first few rows of the stands after scoring.
Do not: Try this in Toronto during the opening ten minutes of a period, since you'd prefer to land in an area that actually has fans.

Do: Celebrate enthusiastically when you record a hat trick.
Do not: Use up all of your energy on that celebration, since you'll want to save some for your second shift against the Flyers defense.

Do: Save the over-the-top rink length celebrations for those once-in-a-lifetime moments when you've achieved the ultimate goal that you've spent the last several years of your career working towards.
Do not: Expect your celebration to be well-received by all the other Islander players at the practice who didn't just find out they've been traded.

Do: Act like you’ve been there before, man!
Do not: Follow that advice if you are Patrick Kane, since after this commercial we never want to see you act again.

Do: Celebrate record-breaking goals by shooting your glove out of the air by pretending that your hockey stick is a gun.
Do not: Begin to worry that Obama is now coming to take your hockey stick away, no matter how convincing that chain email you got from Tim Thomas was.

Do: Occasionally react to an especially big goal by skating over to the boards and slamming your body into the end glass.
Do not: Attempt this move unless you're sure that you're leaping into actual glass and not just something that's convincingly glass-like, such as Carlo Colaiacovo.

Do: Allow yourself to have a little more enthusiasm if you score a goal in a historic arena like Madison Square Garden.
Do not: Forget to pause to that all the female Rangers fans can have a man explain what’s happening.

Do: Trust your judgment, and go with your gut when it comes times to choose an appropriate celly.
Do not: Ever reproduce, the rest of us are begging you, if you're the type of person who calls it a "celly".

Do: Have a much lower key celebration ready for any goals you score into an empty net.
Do not: Be distracted by the mild annoyance in Steve Mason's voice when he points out that he's actually been there the whole time.

Do: Consider celebrating a goal in a more dignified manner, such as by offering teammates an understated fist bump.
Do not: Be surprised when Patrick Kaleta reacts to the sight of a fist by immediately turtling out of force of habit.

Do: Remember to always be a fierce competitor who cares deeply about his team's performance and reacts passionately to goals in crucial situations.
Do not: Do any of that while also being Russian, you no good selfish glory boy.

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  1. If Carlo Coaliacovo is glass-like, does that make this Glass on Glass violence?


  2. Flyers Defense. Its so true, but so damn painful

  3. I do find it super helpful when my man explains the goals to me, so that I have more time to focus on cooking, cleaning, and powdering my noise.

    1. "Powdering my noise" is my new favorite euphemism.

  4. The at OV is hilarious.

    1. The dig at OV is hilarious.

    2. Even as a Caps fan, I wholeheartedly agree.

  5. As usual, the picture caption gets me.

  6. At least it was his first NHL goal.. now if it wasn't I would've said this guy doesn't play nice with others..

    1. It was his second!!

    2. first....second...who's counting?

    3. probably the statistician. I think they actually pay him to count them.

  7. Forget to pause "to" that all the female Rangers fans can have a man explain what’s happening. Should be "so"? And god this one is absolutely hilarious

  8. The picture caption is just pure gold.

  9. As a Rangers fan, all I was thinking the whole time that fiasco blew up was "I can't wait to see what DGB has to say about all this."

  10. DO: be a good canadian boy
    DO NOT: use your stick as a sniper rifle unless you were a retired kindergarten teacher, somehow

  11. The old standbys always make good jokes, but DGB is always at his best when referencing recent hockey stories. The Rangers one cracked me up.

  12. Checked a lot of boxes:

    i)Edmonton is the Siberia of Canada
    ii) But NYI is worse
    iii)Tim Thomas is crazy
    iv)The Acc is (half)full of people who are barely there and silent when they are.
    v)Then an ex Leaf dig (coaliacovo)
    vi)Ovi burn
    viii)Pat Kane burn

    Slow Clap....
    vii)Pop hockey cuture (NYR)

  13. This is one of the best posts I have ever read. Congratulations, sir...

  14. "Ooooooh. I thought when they scored a goal it was icing. Like icing on the cake or something!" Girl whose boyfriend bought her a pink Lundqvist tee

    And yep, I'm a female fan sitting in Sec211 at MSG. LOVE this blog.

  15. When did this turn into the page that just links to Grantland articles? For shame!

    Unless that is another pen name and then nevermind.

    1. Wait, people do get that all the Grantland stuff I link to is written by me, right?

  16. How did I miss this one? Classic!

  17. My favourite bit is the last line. So sadly accurate.