Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Phil Kessel's all-star draft text messages

Looks like someone just figured out
how to slew-foot in Angry Birds.
The all-star weekend has come and gone for another year. The game was exciting, the skills competition was entertaining, and the various fanfest events drew solid crowds.

But of course, all anyone seems to want to talk about is Friday's draft. And much of that attention has been focused squarely on Phil Kessel, who had the unfortunate distinction of being the last player picked.

Kessel, to his credit, seemed to take the snub in the spirit of good fun. That was despite his admission that he spent much of the draft receiving a steady stream of text messages from his Maple Leafs teammates and others. Fans can probably imagine the sort of feedback he was subjected to as his evening dragged on.

Well, imagine no more. Thanks to my sources at the phone company, I've obtained a transcript all of Kessel's incoming text messages from draft night.

7:45 p.m.
Hey everyone… just a reminder that the draft starts at 8:00 sharp, and should wrap up around 9:15. Please be in your seat on stage a few minutes early. Uh, except Phil, who should feel free to just wander in an hour later if he wants to. We'll explain later. - Eric and Nicklas

8:15 p.m.
Hey Phil, I have your tie here all ready to go, hope I'm not too late. - Joe's Dry Cleaning

8:31 p.m.
Dude, switch seats with me? Jonathan Toews hasn't blinked in about 20 minutes, and I'm starting to fear for my life. - Corey Perry

8:37 p.m.
Man, you've been sitting there without moving for so long you're starting to remind me of me in every third period. - Colton Orr

8:45 p.m.
Watching the draft. I just wanted to let you know how impressed I am by all the poise you've shown tonight. Even in an event like this, you carry yourself like a winner at all times and I can not tell you how excited I am to have you be the franchise player that we build a championship roster around. - Brian Burke

8:46 p.m.
Oops. Sorry Phil, I meant to send that last text to Brad Richards. Could you walk over and show it to him? Not like you're doing anything right now. - Brian Burke

8:58 p.m.
Look Phil, it's nothing personal. It's just that we all know how effective you are in the games involving Zdeno Chara - Eric and Nicklas

9:07 p.m.
Phil, this is painful. A bunch of the TSN guys were talking and we feel terrible for you, and we'd like to take you out to breakfast tomorrow to get your mind off how bad your season is going. We know this great place that's famous for making the world's best waff… you know what, bad idea, forget we brought it up. - James Duthie

9:15 p.m.
So, um… draft schmaft? - Cliff Fletcher

9:18 p.m.
If it's any consolation, you're still my favourite player and always will be. - Peter Chiarelli

9:22 p.m.
Hey buddy, don't worry about it. All the negativity will come to a stop the second you record your first point during the actual game. - Dion Phaneuf

9:27 p.m.
I don't know who you are, but thanks for taking some of the heat off this weekend. - Stan Lee

9:30 p.m.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better I get picked last all the time too. And that's just in pickup road hockey games with the neighbourhood children. - Brett Lebda

9:37 p.m.
Could you share your thoughts about the experience of being the last one picked for a sports team? Ha ha, just kidding. Everyone single one of us already knows exactly what that feels like. - The media

9:45 p.m.
Sorry about making such a big deal of taking your photo when you were stuck there all by yourself. I just really wanted to capture the ending of a major hockey event in person, since when it's the playoffs or the Olympics I'm already sitting at home. - Alexander Ovechkin

9:52 p.m.
So we hear you had to just sit around for an entire draft, doing nothing, watching everyone else have all the fun. Welcome to our world. - The Maple Leafs scouting staff


  1. Your articles are showing up in my Google Newsfeed! Pretty impressive and well deserved.

  2. Slew foot in Angry Birds? That's just hateful. ;) The Media text was spot on, though.

  3. This was an awesome post. Thank You Sir

  4. Each text was my favourite . . . until I moved on to the next. Fantastic!!

  5. Dude, you're killing me. It's almost February and you're peaking like you're Halak in the playoffs.

  6. If only the Leafs could be as good as your articles...

  7. This was a really good one, even by your ridiculously high standards.

    Perfectly played Sir.

  8. Alternate caption for Ovechkin: "Same number of goals as me and his linemates are who?"

  9. Kessel being last was like putting the wiffle ball on the tee, all you had to do was hit it out of the gym. Well done.

  10. Another two shots at Ovechkin in one post? Actually in all fairness you have been recycling the same jokes for several players for a long time now. Nothing original here. The slew-foot joke doesn't make sense, PLUS Malkin and others have more slew-foots than Ovi. Oh, and the by the way Ovechkin has as many cups as the Maple Leafs have had for about the last half century. Interesting.

  11. ROTFLMAO! :o)
    Nice piece! I especially liked the Burke txts'
    Go Leafs Go!

  12. This just might be my favorite part of the All-Star weekend. And I spy a bitter, crying Caps fan up in here...

  13. "Dude, switch seats with me? Jonathan Toews hasn't blinked in about 20 minutes, and I'm starting to fear for my life."

    That one killed me, absolutely loved it

  14. This was a great article. AND it was more or less Leafs related! Maybe the "Laffs" moniker is well-deserved, after all.

  15. hilarious! laffing all the way home....
    ~ cheers...

  16. It's "nicklas" not "niklas"...can understand you not wanting to take chance of spelling "lidstrom" as "lindstrom"...you blew it anyway.

  17. The only reason that little freak McGuire picked Kessel to be last during the pre-show was because he saw the Draft ran at around 2:00 PM. You didn't think the NHL would spend the money to make 2 jerseys for every player? Hell they didn't even spend it on the Fan Fair! Nothing but lines to wait in the first night. 2 hour minimum for your pic. w/ the Cup. Waited 35 min. to move 20 feet for the skills games. Walked out of line and left during the pre-show before the draft after hearing Pierre's voice. BETTMANSUX 1. I miss the Olympics already!

  18. Ha! That was so funny, especiallu the Peter Chiarelli quote! :-)

  19. Love the Toews comment! Way to hurl a fistful of darts & hit everyone!

  20. very funny! you should've noted about how happy he was to be drafted at all, he couldn't even hear James Duthie calling him down!!


  21. The caption nearly killed me. Well played.

  22. Revisited caption should read:
    "I need to take this self-pic today, cause nobody will call me Alex the Gr8 in one year or ever after!" :-))))

  23. lol.... the burke text was awesome
    as well as the corey perry one
    had me laughing out loud for real not just "lol'ing"