Thursday, August 5, 2010

Georges Laraque's Green Party election platform

We heard some strange news in the hockey world this week, when it was announced the former NHL enforcer Georges Laraque had been named deputy leader of Canada's Green Party. While Laraque has been vocal about several causes over the years, many assumed that his role with the Green Party would be more about generating publicity than actually setting policy.

It turns out we were wrong. Drawing on his hockey experience, Laraque has actually developed a detailed platform that he plans to implement once the Green Party wins the next federal election. Thanks to some of my spies in the political world, I've managed to obtain an advanced copy.
  • From now on, Habs fans will be strongly encouraged to only flip over and set fire to fuel-guzzling SUVs and Hummers.

  • If you see somebody littering on the street, you are now legally obligated to run up and pull their sweater over their head.

  • Update labor laws to make it illegal to fire a guy while he's doing relief work in Haiti, not that any self-respecting organization would ever do such a thing.

  • Do away with the term "prorogue"; replace with "assessing parliament a ten-week misconduct".

  • Goodbye, arena hot dog guns. Hello, arena tofu guns.

  • Reduce excess power consumption due to red light bulbs being left on at all times by deporting Vesa Toskala back to Finland.

  • Ban the census, or at least that one question about "How many times have you had your ass handed to you by George St. Pierre?"

  • The national anthem will be modified to officially include the last line "Now drop the damn puck"

  • Canada will be restarting its dormant space program with the goal of sending a manned spacecraft into the center of the sun. In related news, we would like to thank Sean Avery for volunteering for the mission shortly after we snuck up behind him and hit him over the head with a tire iron.

  • Reinstate the death penalty; apply it retroactively to anyone who used to do that cheap breakaway move in NHL 94.

  • In recognition of Canadians' intense interest in offseason hockey transactions, see if we can somehow get the first day of unrestricted free agency declared a national holiday.

  • Rather than going through an extensive set of parliamentary approvals, Canada will now be able to declare war on another country simply by standing next to it and muttering "Let's go".




28 comments:

  1. Maybe we should make it a two-man ship and send Carcillo too?

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  2. i can't suggest any better jokes 'cuz you used them all. well played as always, sir. NP's gonna need a press pass for you on Parliament Hill.

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  3. •Reinstate the death penalty; apply it retroactively to anyone who used to do that cheap breakaway move in NHL 94.

    Which one, there are many cheap breakaway moves in NHL94 once you get a handle on the skill stick (aka shoot button)

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  4. Toskala jokes keep me going through the day. This entire post was golden.

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  5. LOL July 1 is actually a national holiday

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  6. How about:

    To avoid a BP like oil spill, Laraque has offered the services of Kyle Wellwood's ass to fill any oversized holes.

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  7. Hmmm... recipe is missing some Wellwood sprinkles. Aren't you contractually obligated or something?

    Nice Toskala reference.

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  8. The only thing this awesome post is missing, is a more awesome (if possible) photo caption. (Was going to say Wellwood fat joke, but Bloge took care of that in the comments). Great as usual!

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  9. Reinstate the death penalty; apply it retroactively to anyone who used to do that cheap breakaway move in NHL 94.

    while the move was cheap because it was unstoppable, getting the breakaway actually required some skill.

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  10. I believe the contract requires a joke about Wellwood OR Toskala. He doesn't have to include both everytime (though that would be better).

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  11. The cheap breakaway was still better than getting the goalie stuck on the post on a wraparound in NHLPA 93.

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  12. Another thing:

    The Canadiens DID fire Laraque while he was doing relif work in Haiti.

    LOL do some research guy.

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  13. @Anonymous

    Maybe you're the one that should be doing research. This is a humor blog (and an absolutely fantastic one at that), so maybe... just maybe... that line about someone being fired while doing relief work was a sarcastic joke AT the Canadiens. ::sigh::

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  14. @anonymous

    Now you're talkign to yourself.

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  15. I've lost track of what level we're on here.

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  16. Another great one DGB. And the comments are almost as funny. Except this one .

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  17. Another classic

    I was surprized that there was nothing about changing Edmonton's name from 'Oilers' to some new green form of energy.

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  18. HAHA, oooo Vesa Toskala, you will forever be a hated man by Leaf fans.

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  19. NHL94 ... You guys are geniuses

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  20. 'Reinstate the death penalty; apply it retroactively to anyone who used to do that cheap breakaway move in NHL 94.'

    Somebody beat me to it, but the goalie-stuck-in-the-post wraparound trick in NHL93 was how you recognized cheap cheaters from proud competitors... Thanks for the nostalgia DGB!

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  21. I wonder if George is going to ride a unicorn to parliament.

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  22. At the next NHL draft, everyone in attendance will be required to wear a device that will catch all the spit coming from Bryan Murray's mouth when he talks. This simple device keeps you from having to go to the restroom to use the electric hand dryer to dry your clothes, but it will also recycle 3 slillion,(sorry I just slobbered on myself)3 million gallons of water over the time of the draft.Plus it helps restrains you from kicking him in the balls.

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  23. SORRY....helps to restrain you from kicking him in the balls. But maybe it should be mandatory to kick him in the 'Jimmy' upon visual contact.

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  24. Toskala and Let's Go made me laugh.

    Good job!

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  25. I recommend extra firm tofu as ammo. The other degrees of firmness will certainly make a mess.

    Tofu is a much better choice than the usual pork lips and buttholes flung into the crowd.

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  26. Hey George is a hypocrite!! He drives a Hummer. Or at least he used to..

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  27. I was surprized that there was nothing about changing Edmonton's name from 'Oilers' to some new green form of energy.

    A large hot-air driven wind turbine will be installed over Edmonton, and the team will be renamed "The Edmonton Remember That Time In The 80's".

    That's green and infinitely renewable energy, right there.

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