One year of Brian Burke: A look back

Rare footage of Brian Burke
speaking to the media.

This weekend marked the one-year anniversary of Brian Burke being named general manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs. It's been an eventful year, with some highs and a few lows.

So break out the party hats and balloons, and let's take a look at some of the highlights of Burke's first year in Toronto.

November 29, 2008 - While outlining his strategy at his first press conference as general manager, Burke delivers his infamous quote about "proper levels of pugnacity, testosterone, truculence and belligerence". Confused Leaf fans rush to their dictionaries, and are disappointed to discover that every one of those words means "terrible goaltending".

December 6, 2008 - Dave Nonis joins the Leafs front office, assuming the newly created position of "Vice President In Charge of Tampering With The Vancouver Canucks".

February 23, 2009 - Burke receives a call from Eklund alerting him that someone is impersonating him on Twitter. An enraged Burke immediately summons his lawyers and top advisors, loudly demanding to know who the hell gave Eklund his phone number.

March 4, 2009 - Trade deadline day. Despite high hopes that he could trade one or more of his top line players, Burke's plans are thwarted when he realizes other team's have actually seen the Leafs play.

April 6, 2009 - Burke names Ron Wilson the coach of Team USA's Olympic squad. Burke explains the choice by noting that Wilson has extensive experience, has coached internationally, and will have lots of time to work on gameplans since he'll be unemployed by mid-December.

April 14, 2009 - Burke surprises observers by emphatically declaring that he thinks the Leafs will make the playoffs in '09-10, although in fairness, he never specifies which millennium.

June 19, 2009 - In an effort to impress free agent goaltender Jonas Gustavsson during a visit to Toronto, Burke arranges the Leafs' dressing room to highlight the team's goaltending history. Gustavsson is impressed to see Johnny Bower's jersey hanging by the entrance, Terry Sawchuk's jersey hanging in a corner, and Vesa Toskala's jersey hanging from a bathroom stall toilet paper dispenser.

June 22, 2009 - At the NHL draft, Burke turns down a proposed Kaberle-for-Kessel trade by explaining to Peter Chiarelli that the he won't include a first round pick in the deal. Chiarelli responds "Oh, don't worry, you won't be trading a first round pick for Kessel", and then laughs like Emperor Palpatine for fifteen straight minutes until a confused Burke finally hangs up on him.

July 1, 2009 - With minutes to go before the noon deadline, Daniel and Henrik Sedin each agree to an extension with the Vancouver Canucks. They then throw open the curtains on their Stockholm apartment window, revealing Burke standing awkwardly in the street below holding a boombox.

July 25, 2009 - Dave Poulin's interview for a front office position is marred by an uncomfortable silence after Poulin compliments Burke on the incredibly lifelike replica of Richard Peddie's head he has mounted in his office.

September 18, 2009 - Burke completes the long-rumored trade for Kessel. While many observers criticize the deal for including two first round picks, Burke defends the move by correctly pointing out that the Leafs wouldn't have drafted anyone good anyways.

November 24, 2009 - Burke's son Brendan announces that he is gay, with his father's full support. Leaf fans are thrilled, recognizing this as the only chance they'll ever have to see Brian Burke take part in a parade.

Ten reasons the Maple Leafs might fire Carlton the Bear

Hit the bricks, loser.

According to Sportsnet, which is a mainstream media organization with strict editorial standards and would therefore not be wrong about something like this, the Maple Leafs have fired Carlton the Bear. (Update: Carlton himself denies it.)

And while this news may come as a shock to some, sources tell me it's actually been in the making for some time. In fact, Carlton's employee file lists ten problems that contributed to his termination.

Thanks to my spies at the ACC, here's a full list of the reasons behind Carlton's dismissal.

• Timing made sense, since comprehensive no-movement clause given to him by John Ferguson Jr. finally expired.
  
  
• Signature "look" of a dark blue Maple Leafs jersey and no pants was widely acknowledged to have been stolen from Larry Tanenbaum.
  
  
• Lingering bitterness over that time he killed and ate Vesa Toskala's glove hand.
  
  
• Was never quite the same after his long-standing franchise raw fish eating record was shattered by Kyle Wellwood.
  
  
• Turns out it was his idea to get Alan Frew to record a song about the Leafs.
  
  
• The Blue Jays got rid of BJ Birdie in 1999, and MLSE has seen how well that worked out for them.
  
  
• Despite being a seven-foot-tall polar bear, still whimpered like a girl every time Colton Orr made eye contact.
  
  
• During course of a typical home game, repeatedly violated MLSE's strict employee policy of never intentionally interacting with any fans, ever.
  
  
• Team must respect clause in Jason Blake's contract stipulating that he always be the palest person in the organization.
  
  
• The team has only five wins all year; obviosuly someone has to be held accountable.

Wendel Clark wants you to show some heart

Hey cool, his fist still has little
bits of McSorley's skull on it.

Photo credit: Roger Hallett

Maple Leaf fans spend a lot of time talking about heart. We've celebrated the heart and soul guys who've worn the blue and white. We've had our heart broken by Kerry Fraser. And we watch the "All Heart" video every hour on the hour. Or at least I do.

Unfortunately, Leaf fans also know a little bit about heart problems. In recent years we've seen Luca Cereda's career-ending congenital heart defect, Pat Quinn's playoff arrhythmia scare, and Jonas Gustavsson's ablation. Only the JFJ-era teams seemed to escape heart problems, since Ferguson made sure none of the players he acquired actually had one.

This year, why not show a little heart of your own by helping out a great cause?

The Hockey for Heart tournament is the creation of Rob Weir. In 1993, Rob watched his father Roger die of a heart attack during a game of pickup hockey. Roger hadn't realized he had a heart condition. He was 46.

Rob launched Hockey for Heart in 1995 as a four-team tournament that raised $1,000 for the Heart and Stroke Foundation. Since then the tournament has expanded across Ontario and has raised over $890,000. Along the way, the tournament has had help from hockey royalty such as Johnny Bower (Roger's all-time favorite player), Darryl Sittler, Peter Zezel and Walter Gretzky.

Oh, and did I mention Wendel Clark?

Yes, Mr. All Heart himself is on board. He's been involved in the project for three years, and will be back this year for several tournaments.

This year's schedule begins in January and features stops in Toronto, Ottawa, Kingston, Hamilton and ten more cities.

Wendel Clark wants you to help out. You know what you have to do.

Here's how it works: Teams or individual players can register for their local tournament. Everyone gets three games (no contact, no slappers, just a rec-level fun time). Players raise money through sponsorships, and the top fund-raisers for each tourney get to take the ice for a special game against a team of pros and celebrities.

And yes, that means that you personally could wind up sharing a rink with Wendel Clark. If that opportunity doesn't get your attention, I'm not sure what you're doing on this site.

How you can help:

• Visit the Hockey For Heart web site for a schedule of tournaments locations and other details
  
• If there's a tournament near you, put a team together
  
• If you can't get a full team, sign up to play as an individual (they'll find a team for you)
  
• If you know somebody who's playing, sponsor them.
  
• And if there's no tournament near you, why not show your support via Rob's player donation page?

I know Leaf fans have heart. Let's take this opportunity to prove it.

Alexander Ovechkin's other excuses for not lighting up the Maple Leafs

Saturday night's game didn't quite go they way hockey fans were expecting. With Alexander Ovechkin and the Caps in town to play the last-place Leafs, a blowout seemed inevitable. When it was announced that struggling Vesa Toskala would start for Toronto, even the most die-hard Leaf fans was expecting the Caps to hit double digits.

It didn't happen. Instead, Ovechkin managed a goal but was largely shutdown by the Leafs during an upset 2-1 win for the home side.

Adding to the mystery was Ovechkin's bizarre post-game excuse: that he "couldn't breathe" due to the "atmosphere" inside the ACC. Yes, he really did say that.

Well, it gets even stranger. Because as it turns out, the ACC's suffocating atmosphere was only one of several excuses Ovechkin offered for failing to light up the Leafs as expected. Apparently the local papers didn't print them all due to lack of space, but I've reproduced the full list below.

• Had specifically requested his special "too hot to handle" sticks for the game; instead, sticks were only slightly above normal temperature.
  
  
• Entire Caps team was thrown off when, despite the tendencies they had noted during hours of film study, Vesa Toskala occasionally moved.
  
  
• Paid too much attention to the fans in the ACCs' lower bowl, leading him to assume the pre-game moment of silence was still going on three hours later.
  
  
• Was initially intimidated upon learning that the Leafs had spent $24M on their defence; had mistakenly assumed it might include some good players.
  
  
• Found it hard to concentrate after suddenly getting that "Ovechkin-Laichs-Semin" joke.
  
  
• Didn't want to single-handedly humiliate Ron Wilson and Brian Burke with completely unstoppable and dominating performance; saving that for Olympics.
  
  
• Would have scored more, but Jonas Gustavsson kept making sprawling glove saves from the bench.
  
  
• Has been scared to score ever since seeing this.
  
  
• During pre-game chat, Jason Blake assured him that first-line wingers could float through games in Toronto with absolutely no consequences.
  
  
• Hasn't quite adjusted to the NHL's brand new "Alexander Ovechkin can't just go around slewfooting everyone" rule.
  
  
• Had heard a rumor that if the game went to a shootout, entire Leafs roster would embarrass themselves with a ridiculously demeaning attempt at rally caps.
  
  
• Um, pretty much the same reason Lebron James doesn't dunk on the wheelchair basketball guys.

The 10 types of Leaf fans (and how to deal with them)

Blake has how many years left?

If you're a Leaf fan, you're not reading this because it's too hard to make out the words when your eyes are encrusted by day-old tears of blood.

But what if you're not a Leaf fan? Well, two things. First, lucky you. And second, there's a good chance you'll still have to deal with one of us eventually. And that's bad news, because these days Leaf fans are probably the most pathetic and depressing group of people you could imagine.

We know it. And we know that it has to be awkward to run into one of us. After all, what can you say? What could you possibly do to make one of wretched souls feel better about this mess? How can you avoid accidentally saying the wrong thing and winding up with your picture on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper?

It's not easy. But there is a right way and a wrong way to approach a Leafs fan these days. And the crucial first step is to figure out what type of Leaf fan you're dealing with. After all, we're a pretty varied group.

I'm here to help. So I've created this handy guide that separates Leafs nation into ten distinct groups. Use this information to figure out what type of fan you've encountered, and then follow my advice to avoid making a bad situation even worse.

Mr. Mood Swing
Description - This guy's entire mood is based around the most recent Leaf game. Or period. Or shift. When they win, he's convinced everything could still be OK. When they lose, he's despondent. When they lose in overtime, he's not sure how to feel. Thanks, Bettman.
How to recognize him - The wall behind his television has a lot of beer bottle sized holes in it.
What to do if you see one - Assuming the Leafs recently lost (and let's face it, they did), pull the fire alarm and flee the building.

The Self Loather
Description - This guy hates himself, and wants to be miserable. He craves pain, since its icy sting is the only thing that reminds him he's alive. So naturally, he's chosen to become a Leafs fan.
How to recognize him - You'll find him in his natural habitat: writing positive comments on Damien Cox blog posts.
What to do if you see one - This is the only type of Leaf fan that you're allowed to discuss the most recent loss with. Also, make a mental note to buy him Leafs Abomination for Christmas.

"Truculence" Guy
Description - A small but tragic group. Due to an acute exposure level to off-season Brian Burke soundbites, they're no longer able to form a complete sentence without using the word "truculence". (Note: Every single Leaf fan went through this phase in September, but most have pulled out of it.)
How to recognize him - He owns a Colton Orr jersey.
What to do if you see one - Do not, under any circumstances, ask him what the word means. He doesn't know, and you might wind up getting your face Matt Carkner-ized.

"Just One Cup" Guy
Description - This fan has already cut a deal: he wants to see the Leafs win one Stanley Cup before he dies. Just one. This little Faustian bargain gives him a sense of inner peace since he knows he has time, and the laws of probability, working in his favor.
How to recognize him - He says things like "wait 'til next decade".
What to do if you see one - Ask him if he enjoyed Bill Simmons' "Now I Can Die in Peace", which he's guaranteed to have read.

"Just One Cup" Guy Who's Getting Older
Description - A subset of the "Just One Cup" Guy group, this Leaf fan is between the ages of 30 and 42. He's never seen the Leafs win a Cup, but always just assumed that he would some day. But now he's getting older, he's sore in the morning for no reason, and he has hair growing out of his ears. And he's starting to worry.
How to recognize him - Every time the Leafs lose, he does an hour on the treadmill.
What to do if you see one - Tell him you read a fascinating article about cryonic suspension.

The Youngster
Description - This Leaf fan is young. He vaguely remembers the Pat Burns era, has no memory of Harold Ballard, and is still getting used to not having Mats Sundin around.
How to recognize him - He doesn't have that beaten-down Mel Gibson mugshot look in his eyes that every other Leaf fan does.
What to do if you see one - Leave him alone. He'll be miserable like the rest of us in a few years.

The Bandwagon Jumper
Description - This guy is a diehard Leaf fans... as long as they're winning. He loved the Burns era, and was a big fan of Pat Quinn. He has no idea that Kirk Muller ever played for the Leafs, but he owns three Doug Gilmour jerseys. He swears he's a Leaf fan, but admits that he also has a few other favorite teams. He probably cheered for the Senators in 2007.
How to recognize him - Right now? You won't.
What to do if you see one - Stab him. Repeatedly.

The Fixer
Description - This guy wants the Leafs to win, and they would, dammit, if they'd just listen to him. He has the blueprint all laid out. And he wants to tell you all about it. In detail.
How to recognize him - He's probably posting a trade proposal thread at hfboards.com right now.
What to do if you see one - Listen patiently to his explanation of why a Stajan/Blake/White package could probably land Ilya Kovalchuk and a pick, nod pensively, then encourage him to phone a radio call-in show to reach a wider audience.

The Delusional Idiot
Description - This fan sincerely believes that the Leafs will win the Stanley Cup every year. No matter how bad things are, how thin the roster, how glaringly obvious the holes are to anyone who can breathe through their nose -- this guy is utterly convinced that ultimate glory is right around the corner. He thinks that nobody associated with the Leafs can do any wrong, and will never criticize the team. When the team wins two games in a row, this pathetic loser runs around shouting "Plan the parade!"
How to recognize him - You won't. He's a fictional character created by Howard Berger.
What to do if you see one - Tell him to say hi to the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Berger's limo driver.

The Realist
Description - This guy is a true blue fan. But unlike the unfair various stereotypes of the passionate fan, he's still able to view the world objectively. His longterm outlook isn't clouded by short-term emotional swings, but rather by a steeley-eyed realism based on a rational analysis of the Toronto Maple Leafs' current performance and chances for future success.
How to recognize him - He shot himself after the Calgary game.
What to do if you see one - Try to wait until after the holidays before you hit on his girlfriend.