Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The quick and easy recipe for a Stanley Cup championship

Winning a Stanley Cup doesn’t have to be difficult! By following the steps of this simple recipe, anyone can make an impressive run to a championship.

1. Start with several large spoonfuls of SMART DRAFTING. Continue until your prospect cupboard is full, then allow to bake slowly. Be patient — you can’t rush this part.

(Hint: You may want to try adding one tsp of TANKING to help the process along, assuming you can stand the smell.)

2. While you wait for your PROSPECTS to finish baking, assemble your other key ingredients. You will need:

• One FRANCHISE-PLAYER FORWARD, drafted with a top-five pick


• One GOOD GOALTENDER (If you don’t have a good goaltender available, an ADEQUATE GOALTENDER WHO PEOPLE THINK IS GOOD can also work.)

Mix together to form a CHAMPIONSHIP CORE, then allow to simmer.

3. When your PROSPECTS are ready, begin slowly adding them to the CHAMPIONSHIP CORE. Go slowly — dumping them all in at once may ruin the dish.

4. Mix in a few dollops of SMART TRADING.

5. Carefully add one or two helpings of FREE-AGENCY VALUE.

6. Sprinkle liberally with CHEAP DEPTH GUYS.

7. Cook together until you reach the SALARY-CAP CEILING.

8. Top with one SMART COACH, a dash of GRIT, and a heaping helping of GOOD LUCK, and serve while hot. Suggested drink pairing: champagne.

TOTAL PREPARATION TIME: three to five years.

33 Reader Comments on “Quick and Easy Stanley Cup Championship”

Chicago Blackhawks: I followed all the directions, and I have to say it really was super easy. In fact, I’ve already made this multiple times. Just wish I’d found this recipe earlier!

Boston Bruins: Same here: This was fantastic! Careful with the salary-cap part, though. If you’re not watching, it can overflow.

Los Angeles Kings: Fantastic recipe. I’m not a huge fan of free agents, so I usually substitute lopsided trade with Columbus, which works just as well.

Washington Capitals: Wait, are you sure there isn’t a step missing or something? I swear I followed all the directions, and it didn’t work at all.

Florida Panthers: Yeah, I’ve been trying this for years, and I never even seem to get past Step 1.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Same here.

Anaheim Ducks: Good recipe, but I’d recommend doubling up on the Norris defenseman. Makes everything so much easier.

Detroit Red Wings: I’ve made this one often, and it always turns out great. Tip: If you’ve run out of top-five-pick franchise players, just swap in a few you have lying around from the sixth or seventh round instead.

Edmonton Oilers: Three to five years? Uh, don’t think so. I’ve had this in the oven for six and it’s not even close to being done.

Philadelphia Flyers: I have a severe allergy to goaltending. Does anyone know of a way to make this dish without it?

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  2. Compete level.... Haha. If I had a DGB jersey I would definitely be throwing it on the screen right now.

    Seriously though, this was a really good post. My fave were Ottawa and Nashville. Not sure why the isles comment is what it is- seems like the recipe they are following now.

  3. Hilarious. Really glad to see old-school DGB humour can still be part of your Grantland work.