Tuesday, November 20, 2012

A moment with the guy who has to answer the phone when Gary Bettman orders a pizza

Let me have one with that topping that only irredeemably
evil people like. Yes, yes, of course I mean pineapple.

Hello, thank you for calling the pizza delivery hotline. How can I help you?

You say your name is Gary, and you need some pizza delivered to a very important negotiation meeting you're currently having. Well we can certainly do that, sir. What size pizza would you like?

Hmm, we don't really have "record-breakingly large but about to get a lot smaller". I'll just put you down for a medium, which comes to $10. Sound OK? Great. And what toppings did you want on that?

Oh, you guys are having some trouble agreeing on that part. I see. Not even speaking the same language, eh? I can imagine that could be frustrating. Well, how about we just divide the whole thing right down the middle?

You say that's "problematic". Um, why? I mean, how hard is it to just split something 50/50 when everyone can see that's clearly what makes the most sense and…

I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you with that other gentleman shouting in the background. You say somebody named Donald has something to important to ask me? OK, go ahead and put him on the phone.

Hello? Sir, I can't make out what you're saying. Please stop yelling and… "Make whole"? Make a whole what? I assure you sir, we'll make the whole pizza. Please put Gary back on the phone.

OK, so we've got one pizza. Is there anything else you'd like? Maybe some drinks or breadsticks?

What's that? You say you want a fortune cookie. No sir, I'm afraid you can't have that. Well that's very interesting that your friend David got one when he ordered from a Chinese takeout place, but I'm not sure what that has to do with us. Just because a vaguely similar but distinctly separate business offers something doesn't mean that you can automatically expect that…

Sir, I'd appreciate if you didn't take that condescending tone with me.

OK, so that's one pizza for $10 and… wait, what do you mean you're only paying $8 now? You already agreed to pay $10. What do you mean "things have changed"? You can't just agree to pay one price and then change your mind, that's not fair. And please ask that gentleman in the back to stop yelling about how he told me so, it's very distracting and I…

What? No sir, we don't need a two-week moratorium. That suggestion doesn't even make sense. We can get this done right now.

OK, so just to summarize: That's one pizza, made whole, with different toppings split 50/50 eventually but maybe closer to 52/48 at first, and costing $8 even though you already agreed to pay $10. And did you have any special instructions for the delivery driver? Hold on, let me write this down. "Run… over… Kris… Versteeg…" Right, well we'll see what we can do but no promises.

Just one last thing: Are you going to be paying with cash or credit? What's that? You say you're "planning to find some spineless city council and stick them with the bill". Wonderful.

OK, I think we've got this all sorted out, Gary. So where do you want this delivered?

Sigh. No sir, we can't deliver to "an undisclosed location". You're going to have to tell us where you…


Oh well. I'm sure he'll be calling back. We seems to go through the same thing with that guy every few years.


  1. Someone else likes writing nonsense at 7 AM too. Glad I'm not alone.

  2. We need hockey. . . if for nothing else, than for some original material.

  3. Well running dry DGB? This lockout needs to end.

  4. I wonder if it was Little Caesar's pizza? Given how the league owes the Dead Wings for cancelling their big game. (and yes, I know they don't deliver).

    Well written - and the way I look at this - this whole strike is half baked, and it appears this season is toast.

    1. Dead wings? Zing! What a hack.

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. DGB is the best. He sums up those 2 clowns perfectly

  7. I greatly enjoyed this. Well done as always.

    And now I'm going to go cry in a corner as I can't watch hockey on Thanksgiving Eve tomorrow with my friends.

  8. Not your best DBG, but still had a chuckle. Must be difficult for a hockey humour writer to come up with something ammusing about this lockout... its anything but funny at this point. Comical in Sept, painful in Oct, emabrassing in Nov... maybe it'll be laughably ridiculous in Dec. ?

  9. loved the Edmonton reference.

  10. This is a feel-good story.The @predsNHL pulled off an amazing smashmob at a youth hockey game. What a great organization click here to watch http://youtu.be/wBMjPc69Tuk

  11. Struggling for content maybe but the work that comes out is still class. Well done, sir.

  12. Sean, this is excellent. You are a brilliant voice in hockey. I'm serious.

  13. This encapsulates my frustrations perfectly.

  14. This was a good one. Thanks DGB!

  15. Well written and depressingly plausible.

  16. Great, now I'm hungry. Thanks a lot DGB. Good article though.

  17. That was an awesome very unique bit! It definitely portrays the current state of negotiations excellently!
    Well done!

  18. I wonder what was defined as Pizza Related Revenue ( PRR ) ?

  19. Sad but true.

    I would laugh, but I'm too depressed.

    keep up the good work, DGB

  20. Pretty good considering you ran out of new material since the last time hockey was played. (how long ago now? 5 months? 6?) loved the david stern reference though. And captuon great as always.

  21. Pretty good considering you ran out of new material since the last time hockey was played. (how long ago now? 5 months? 6?) loved the david stern reference though. And captuon great as always.

  22. You'll comment on the world juniors for us, right DGB? Can we start a countdown to less depressing posts?

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  24. I loved this. DGB always amuses me (even when I miss the references).