Friday, January 21, 2011

The signs of the hockey zodiac

Now a locker room Gemini.
If you've been around a water cooler recently, you've heard the apparently stunning news that's rocked the astrological world: thanks to a shift in the earth's axis, many of us now have new zodiac signs.

Does any of that matter to you? If you're a hockey fan, no, it doesn't. That's because diehard fans have long had their own unique set of astrological signs. Forget Scorpio and Capricorn; hockey fans have a better system that more closely aligns with the ups and downs of the NHL calendar.

On the off chance that you're a new fan or could use a quick refresher course, here's a rundown of the hockey world's zodiac signs.

Sign of the Opening Night (October) - You're an optimistic spirit who chooses to see the best in people. You're willing to let the mistakes of the past stay in the past, and you believe that everyone deserves a fresh start. You know that you'll never be perfect, but you also understand that you can't obsess over every little thing.

Sign of the Long Season (November) - You obsess over every little thing. You spend hours staring at yourself in the mirror, noting every flaw and wondering how it's possible that you didn't notice them until now. You're haunted by a nagging sense that you were a fool for thinking things might actually work out for once. You probably drink too much.

Sign of the World Juniors (December) - You're a shining example of the power of youthful exuberance. Emotional and excitable, you enjoy sprinting around and jumping into a wall whenever something goes well. You like to travel the world, even though everyone agrees that you'd probably be better off if you just stayed in Canada. You're really mean to Norwegian kids.

Sign of the All-Star (January) - You're constantly reinventing yourself in an attempt to stay cool. Rich businessmen and small children love you, although everyone else finds you sort of tedious. Every time you hold a party, everyone spends weeks arguing about one or two friends that you forgot to invite. People often fake injuries to avoid you.

Sign of the Olympics (February) - You're a world traveller who doesn't come around very often. Everybody loves you, even though you occasionally have an annoying habit of showing up at 3:00 in the morning. Whenever you attend an event that ends up being a huge success, you like to pretend you're not going to come back even though nobody believes you.

Sign of the Trade Deadline (March) - Everybody is endlessly fascinated by you, and they love to watch and analyze your every move in excruciating detail. Friends describe getting incredibly excited at the mere thought that you're near. But when you finally arrive, everyone feels strangely underwhelmed and mutters "Wait, I faked being too sick to come in to work for that?"

Sign of the Stretch Run (April) - Forget fun and games; you believe that it's time to get serious. You can be unpleasant and even downright cruel, and you've been known to break a few hearts along the way, but nobody wants to be left off of your dance card. Deep down, though, you can't shake the feeling that everyone is just using you to get to something better.

Sign of the Playoffs (May) - You have a beard, and you enjoy shaking hands. You're intense and unpredictable, with exhilarating highs and excruciating lows. You can be almost unbearably difficult, but for those willing to persevere through the tough times you offer the possibility of unmatched happiness that makes it all worth it. You don't hang out with Maple Leaf fans.

Sign of the Draft (June) - You're a long-term thinker who likes to plant seeds for the future and watch them grow. You have pimples, a bad haircut, a cheap suit and a disturbingly gigantic neck, and you absolutely will not put on a hat without bending it for five minutes first. You also don't hang out with Maple Leaf fans.

Sign of Free Agency (July) - The good news: You're a shopaholic who loves the thrill of the hunt. The bad news: You usually make terrible financial decisions that will take you years to fix. Everyone warns you about this, of course, but you just can't seem to help yourself. You would probably be a lot better of if you avoided talking with Russian people.

Sign of the Offseason (August) - You are incredibly dull and nobody likes you.

Sign of the Preseason (September) - You are full of the inner peace that can only come with a new beginning, and you believe that a brighter future may be right around the corner. You trust in the power of youth and feel that all things are possible, even for people that you just met. You embrace hope, you dream big dreams, and you eventually make the cutest little whimpering noise when reality inevitably comes along and mercilessly stomps little holes in your soul.


  1. Almost spit out my drink on the "should avoid Russian people" comment.

  2. Well, I'd hate to be born in June.

    Somewhat ironic: Gary Bettman was born in June. Somehow, it seems to fit him, except the part about the long-term thinker...

  3. Sean, this is brilliant. A nice change from the usual.

  4. This is completely amazing! I laughed the whole way through! Which I'm sure led many to the conclusion that I'm crazy.

  5. Would have loved to see the logos for these. I would probably get an Opening Night tattoo

  6. Boom, insta-classic.

  7. Shouldn't August be "Sign of the TRAINING season" ?

  8. >Anonymous said...
    >Shouldn't August be "Sign of the TRAINING season" ?

    Not if you're Kyle Wellwood.

    Also, it's perfectly understandable that a Leafs blog didn't bother to reference the Stanley Cup in June.

  9. >Also, it's perfectly understandable that a Leafs blog didn't bother to reference the Stanley Cup in June.

    I think "you also don't hang out with Maple Leaf fans" was a Stanley Cup reference.

  10. I don't know why this is only a 4.16 when I voted.

    I thought this was definitely a creative and HILARIOUS post. Keep it up Mr. DGB, you are a God around the office. At least when I tell the fair-weathers that you have a new post.

  11. wow. the june one couldnt be farther off from what i am. im skinny, i have no pimples, and i just got a GOOD haircut.

  12. The June Maple Leafs fan reference is to their lack of draft picks due to trading them all to Boston (and their lack of success when they do have picks).

    I was born in December. All I can say is, those kids deserved it.

  13. I finally got the joke under the picture of Kovalev. Clever as always!

  14. Seconding Todd (great photo caption!) as well as those loving the Russians line. :)

  15. This was awesome. One of your best in recent history. I laughed a little too much at "you enjoy sprinting around and jumping into a wall whenever something goes well"...

  16. "August" is hilarious.

  17. Cancer- definition: an infection that destroys the host from the inside out. example; Ottawa Senator's