Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Signs you're getting cut this week

He should never have
fought Georges LaRock.
Hockey-starved fans are in a good mood these days thanks to the official arrival of the NHL preseason. Teams opened training camp last week, with exhibition games starting tonight.

History tells us that the preseason will bring a handful of feel-good stories, as virtual unknowns come out of nowhere to make their NHL dreams a reality. But unfortunately that's the exception, and most of the long shots won't come close to making it.

With some teams inviting over 60 players to camp and only 23 jobs available, teams will move quickly to trim down their rosters. And with less than three weeks until the season opener, plenty of players will be sent packing as early as the next few days.

Since I know that many of my readers are aspiring NHL players, I think it's only fair to set expectations now – before the cuts start. So if you're currently attending a training camp, please review the list below for some subtle signs that you're going to be getting bad news this week.
  • When you ask the coach how long your shifts should be, he replies "How would I know, I'm not the late-night manager of a gas station convenience store."

  • Instead of learning the correct pronunciation of your name, the team's play-by-play guy spends exhibition games referring to you as "Cutty McPack'n'Cry".

  • You're so woefully and indisputably terrible at hockey that Glen Sather only gave you a three-year multimillion dollar free agent deal, instead of the four years you were asking for.

  • You overhear the head trainer asking the coach whether you having your heart cruelly ripped out and stomped on in front of all your friends and family should be listed as an "upper body injury".

  • Every time you run into anyone from the team's AHL affiliate they seem to be overly friendly towards you, saying things like "Nice to see you, Jeff" and "Talk to you again real soon, Mr. Finger."

  • Your scouting report in the team media guide is only a half page long, but it contains over a dozen references to the term "Grimson-esque".

  • At the completion of the first shift of your preseason debut, the NHL interrupted the game with a ceremony honouring you for becoming the league's career leader in giveaways.

  • In NHL 11, the only category where you have a decent rating is "filling out unemployment insurance forms".

  • After leaving you bleeding on the ice after elbowing you in the head and then crosschecking you in the throat during a scrimmage, Chris Pronger can't even be bothered to stomp on your leg.

  • While it's true that training camp can sometimes provide an opportunity to earn the respect of the coaching staff by instigating physical altercations with teammates, everyone just seems annoyed with your continued efforts back at the hotel to start a team pillow fight.

  • Daniel Alfredsson just guaranteed that you'd make the team.

  • When you ask the team's union rep about submitting your annual escrow payment, he tells you not to worry about it since they don't accept food stamps.

  • They say that players who aren't expected to make the team are usually given high jersey numbers, which makes you feel pretty confident since you were given an eight turned sideways.

  • The league has asked an arbitrator to nullify your contract since it's unrealistic to expect that you'll still be playing hockey by the end of it, which is odd since you signed a one-year deal.

  • Dan Ellis keeps telling you how much less stressful your life will be next week when you're making minimum wage.




20 comments:

  1. Paypar Sizzers Lizzard SpawkSeptember 21, 2010 at 10:07 AM

    You spelled Laraque wrong in the caption, you moron.

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  2. you have some serious issue.

    I recomend that you go and talk to a psychiatrist.

    these are ways you get cut! these are the tell tale signs your crazy during a psych evaluation.

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  3. The best part was when the guy said you spelt Laraque wrong.

    Paper always gives the stomp down to LaRock every time.

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  4. I was hoping that the Glen Sather joke was referring to Boogaard, and then I double checked Capgeek, and Boogaard's WAS 4 years...so now I'm just sad and confused. Still a great post though

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  5. Oh my god this was awesome...

    @Rob

    I think the joke was supposed to be along the lines of, Sather signed someone WORSE than Boogaard this offseason...

    Could be wrong...only the real author knows for sure

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  6. DGB, the Laraque Lobby is getting cranky. I think you should take this very seriously indeed. You don't want people overturning your car and setting it on fire, do you? Mais non.

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  7. They're all awesome, but the third to last (eight sideways) had me hollering.

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  8. Kim - wait, wouldn't setting DGB's car on fire be bad for the environment? GL wouldn't approve.

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  9. the infinity joke was classic!

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  10. I may have to get a replica infinity jersey for my collection.

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  11. Signs you may be getting cut:

    "Everyone laughs when you point out you were the first line centre for the Leafs last season"

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  12. Geoff - DGB's car isn't a car at all. It's a wicker rickshaw pulled by whichever Pension Plan Puppets writer isn't harping on the MSM at the moment. So depending on what the PPP writer is wearing, it's probably environmentally friendly to burn it.

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  13. I'm not saying anything that anyone doesn't already know, but Simone LeScissairs had it coming after he jacked Andre DuPapier like that. I don't care if was preseason, you don't cut a guy like that and skate on like it never happened.

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  14. Signs you're getting cut:

    "George McPhee promised you a spot on the roster"

    "You start receving odd, long-distance calls from a guy named Medvedev"

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  15. You're getting back in regular-season form!

    The one about Glen Sather cracked me up. As a Penguins fan in NYC, I got a little scared when he re-signed Marc Staal and paid him well--it seemed like an uncharacteristic outbreak of sanity. Thankfully, that seems to have passed.

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  16. I wonder if the infinity jersey would be a jersey foul?

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  17. The Sather crack was classic (and so true)

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  18. lol @ daniel alfredsson guaranteed it...

    that joke does not age.

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