The NHLPA's leaked Executive Director job application form

Not sure why, but I'm getting a
bad vibe from this guy.

While no deal has been reached officially, it now seems all but certain that Donald Fehr will be the next man in charge of the NHL Players' Association. The job has been vacant for almost a year thanks to infighting and indecision within the association, which has already parted ways with three different bosses since the start of the 2004-05 lockout.

Fehr may be a newcomer to the sport of hockey, but he's a well-known figure among North American sports fans. Fehr was in charge of the Major League Baseball Players Association for 24 years, a period that saw several work stoppages including the cancellation of the 1994 World Series.

While it's too early to know the impact that Fehr would have in his new role, we may be able to learn a few things from the way he got it. According to my sources, the NHLPA asked every potential candidate to fill out a simple one-page application form. I've obtained a copy of that form, and I think it sheds a lot of light on how Fehr managed to secure the job.

***

Thank you for applying for the position of Executive Director of the NHLPA. To help us determine your qualifications, please fill out this application form and hand it to the on-duty manager. Please note that only those applicants selected for an interview will be contacted.

First Name:
Last Name:
Does your name lend itself to any cool headline puns that describe how scary you are?

Please list your desired salary for this position:

Please list the percentage of that salary that you are willing to have randomly placed into an escrow that you do not understand:

Describe any previous job experience you have which would be relevant to a position at the NHLPA, such as working at a daycare or as a public safety investigator specializing in train wrecks.

Rate your knowledge of hockey on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is "poor" and 10 is "extremely poor".

Hours during the day that you are available to work:
Hours during the middle of the night that you are available to be fired:

List any experience you have in dealing with cripplingly short-sighted work stoppages. (Use the back of the paper if you need extra space.)

This is probably a long shot, but by any chance do you have experience working with uncharismatic, condescending and universally despised professional sports commissioners?

Please describe your level of expertise when it comes to hacking into an e-mail system.

If you wrote anything other than "absolutely none" for that last question, please crumple your application into a ball and toss it into the nearest waste basket.

Place a checkmark next to any of the following that you feel you would be able to acquire on behalf of the players:
( ) Two weeks of vacation during the regular season
( ) Four weeks of vacation during the offseason
( ) Twelve months of vacation during the 2012-13 season

Please look at the attached photo of Gary Bettman making his very best "intimidating face". Write down the total number of seconds you were able to stare at it without laughing.

It's a long story, but we're going to need the successful candidate to let Eric Lindros follow them around 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You're cool with that, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?

Any future threats of a work stoppage are likely to be extremely unpopular with hockey fans, many of whom would take it as a devastating betrayal on the part of a sport they've cared for deeply since childhood. How convincingly would you be able to fake caring about that?

Bonus grammar question: Why is it a "Players Association" in baseball, basketball and football, but a "Players' Association" in the NHL?

Finally, and most importantly: In the space below, please describe in detail how you plan to react when we all inevitably rise up and backstab you in 12 to 18 months.

Should the NHL keep going to the Olympics?

Um, why does it say "Expires in 2014"?

This week's World Hockey Summit in Toronto brings together many of the brightest minds in hockey to discuss and debate the game's future. And while the agenda is packed with controversial issues, the biggest headlines will likely surround the NHL's future participation in the Olympics.

Hockey fans seem to enjoy seeing NHL players compete for gold. But some critics feel that the league would be better served by bringing back the World Cup instead, while others argue that there are simply too many international tournaments clogging up the hockey calendar.

What should the NHL do? It's a difficult debate, with plenty of good points on each side. After talking to several hockey insiders, I feel like I've got a good handle on the various arguments that will be presented this week. I'll list them here, and let the reader make up their own mind:

Pro: Olympic participation is extremely popular among players, at least according to the janitor we talked to when we called the NHLPA head office and asked to speak to the person in charge.

Con: The three-week tournament can impact the rest of the regular season by creating significant injury risk and increased fatigue for star players, resulting in an unfair competitive advantage for teams like the Oilers that don't have any.

Pro: Russian players were humiliated in a blowout loss to Canada in Vancouver; in 2014, it's only fair that they get a chance to be humiliated by the Canadians in front of their home fans, too.

Con: Foreign time zones can often cause games to be played in the middle of the night, instead of first thing in the morning the way NBC would prefer.

Pro: Sending the best players to the Olympics would create the opportunity for the sport to add to the long list of amazing international hockey memories we've enjoyed over the years, such as "The Miracle on Ice", "The Miracle on Ice", and also "The Miracle on Ice". (Point submitted by the Association of American Sportswriters.)

Con: You allow a few NHL superstars to participate in the Olympics, and the next thing you know one of them is riding around awkwardly in a pickup truck with a torch during the opening ceremonies.

Pro: International overtime rules make it possible for a team to be eliminated from the playoffs during a shootout; it wouldn't be fair if only Ranger fans ever got to know what that felt like.

Con: Olympic participation could be replaced by the return of a summertime World Cup, which would be great news for foolish bloggers who commit to writing twice-weekly hockey columns without first checking a calendar to make sure it's not the middle of freaking August.

Pro: Having NHL players in the Olympics offers the league a rare opportunity to finally spend some time talking about Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin.

Con: Olympic participation results in the cancellation of the annual All-Star Game, causing crushing disappointment for fans who enjoy hockey but can't stand seeing it played by players who seem to give a crap.

Pro: If the NHL had not gone to Nagano in 1998, the league would never be seeing the influx of highly skilled Japanese players it has now.

Con: The league's participation in the Olympics is almost unanimously enjoyed by fans, and therefore goes against their apparent business model.

Pro: International rules ban fighting during games, resulting in foreign players making the most hilarious faces when the Canadian team jumps them in their hotel lobby instead.

Con: Let's face it, any hockey competition that can result in a team run by Brian Burke and Ron Wilson making the playoffs is clearly deeply flawed.

A look back at the RDO camp

The Canadian version of "Inception" bombed.

Hockey fans had a chance to look into the future this week during the NHL’s research, development and orientation camp in Toronto.

The two-day camp, which wrapped up Thursday, featured a series of experimental rule changes and rink modifications that the league wanted to test in a real world environment. The rules were tested during a series of scrimmages played by several of next year’s top draft prospects.

Some of the potential new rules amounted to minor tweaks, while others were radical changes. Most will never make it to a live NHL game, but that’s no reason not to spend some time looking back on what worked and what didn’t.

One of the league’s top priorities is to come up with ways to create more offence. For example, one proposed change would see the width of the blue line doubled. This would create more offensive chances, presumably as attacking forwards blow past defencemen who are busy saying “Hey, is it me or is the blue line twice as big as it was yesterday?”

The league is also experimenting with alternate placement of the faceoff circles. One proposal, expected to result in marginally increased scoring, would see all offensive zone faceoffs take place six inches inside the defensive team’s net. There’s also talk of creating more room at the end of the rink by making the nets more shallow, which would be accomplished by encouraging them to spend all their time listening to pop music and reading Twilight books.

It’s a good start, but there is room for more creativity. How about awarding one goal for any puck shot into the stands that KOs that fan who keeps standing up to wave at the camera while talking on his cell phone? And if none of those changes work, the league could always go to plan B — goodbye goalie water bottles, hello goalie tequila bottles.

The league also looked at continuing to restrict line changes. One new rule would see teams that went offside be unable to change lines before the next faceoff, similar to what happens now with icing. This change is expected to be popular with the many fans who find themselves saying things like “This game is OK, but I’d enjoy it more if the players were constantly vomiting from exhaustion.”

This ongoing war on line changes is expected to someday culminate with coaches having the option to disable line changes altogether, but only if the opposing coach gets up to use the bathroom and leaves his Xbox controller lying around.

Icing has always been a mixed blessing for hockey fans. On the one hand, races for the puck are exciting. On the other, exploding hip fragments can sometimes fly up into the stands and get in your beer. The NHL is trying to find a way to keep the former while minimizing the latter.

The answer appears to be a concept called hybrid icing, which is just like regular icing except it gets better mileage. Experts agree that it will cost twice as much and cause your insufferable granola-snorting neighbour to strut around like he’s better than you.

Finally, the league spent a significant amount of time experimenting with new formats for overtime and shootouts. They had a look at various creative ways to end a game that have never been tried before, such as “2-on-2 overtime”, “extended five-man shootout”, and “Edmonton Oilers victory”.

Who knows, maybe someday they’ll try something truly radical: Replace the traditional shootout with a brand new concept in which each team chooses five players, all of whom take to the ice and attempt to score a goal at the same time as if they were playing actual hockey and not some glorified skills competition.

In any event, its nice to see that the NHL is willing to experiment. If nothing else, all of the strange rules and modified rinks gave fans an opportunity to see things they will never see again.

Like 2011 draft prospects playing in Toronto.

Behind the scenes on Kaberle deadline day

See Tomas, normally the eyebrows would
be divided somewhere around here.

The eyes of the hockey world were focused sharply on Toronto on Sunday. With long-time defenseman Tomas Kaberle's no-trade clause coming back into effect at midnight, the Leafs were faced with a race against the clock to find a trading partner.

And while the day ultimately ended without a deal for Kaberle in place, it wasn't from lack of trying. Top secret sources tell me that Maple Leafs' general manager Brian Burke and his front office staff spent the entire day locked in their MLSE war room fielding offers.

Here's how the day went down:

7:32 a.m. - Burke makes a point of once again complimenting John Ferguson Jr. for having the foresight to negotiate a trade window into Kaberle's contract, before politely informing him that he'd still prefer not to have his windshield squeegeed that day.

7:49 a.m. - Burke stops at a Tim Hortons drive-through and asks for the largest box of Timbits they have, since he wants to make sure each of his assistant GMs gets one.

9:05 a.m. - Attempted talks with New Jersey go nowhere when Devils' GM Lou Lamoriello responds to every proposal with a sarcastic "Gee, I'm not sure, let me go ask Gary Bettman if I'm allowed to do that".

10:21 a.m. - The scouting department for the San Jose Sharks calls to thank the Leafs for sending over that footage of Kaberle in action during the postseason, but wonders if they also happen to have any that's in color.

1:51 p.m. - After three straight hours without being able to get a dial tone, the Leafs' front office staff begins to notice that the service technician who showed up that morning to work on the phone lines actually looks a lot like Rick Curran with a fake moustache and pair of wire cutters.

2:35 p.m. - As rumours begin to circulate that Kaberle may not be moved after all, the Leafs PR department is deluged with requests from media getting a head start on their upcoming seven-month "Kaberle Trade Deadline 2011 Watch" series.

3:42 p.m. - Tampa Bay emerges as a potential destination, but talks proceed slowly as Lightning general manager Steve Yzerman constantly interrupts Burke to ask if he can remind him how 2010 Gold Medal game turned out.

4:11 p.m. - The various assistant GMs all agree that while the handwriting is lovely and the photo is a nice personal touch, now probably isn't a good time to show Burke the "Thanks for Tyler Seguin" card that just arrived in the mail from Peter Chiarelli.

5:25 p.m. - The Detroit Red Wings express some interest in acquiring Kaberle, but eventually decide that now isn't the time for a youth movement.

6:46 p.m. - Tomas Kaberle himself calls to say that while he can handle Ron Wilson spending all day in front of his house waiting to drive him to the airport, he could do without him also constantly honking the horn and revving the engine.

7:20 p.m. - The Leafs' continue to struggle to find a market for defensemen when Dave Nonis is unsuccessful in his attempt to tip the pizza deliveryman with the rights to Jeff Finger.

8:49 p.m. - After being put through to voicemail for the fifteenth time in a row, Burke starts to get a sinking feeling that Darryl Sutter now has caller ID.

10:47 p.m. - Potentially promising negotiations go sour when Burke realizes that all those phone calls from the GM who seems to love soft European player who don't play defence are actually coming from the next door office of a confused Bryan Colangelo.

12:01 a.m. - A bruised and battered Richard Peddie tries to figure out what it was about his "Hey, gang, there's always tomorrow" pep talk that made everyone so cranky.

A buyer's guide to the remaining NHL free agents - 2010

Boogard got how much?

As hockey's off-season drags on, there are still dozens of unrestricted free agents who haven't found a team for the upcoming season. Many will end up being exiled to Europe or even retirement, while others will manage to find a job in the NHL.

But which ones? Here's an honest look at the strengths and weaknesses of some of the best known free agents remaining on the market, along with a prediction of where they could ultimately wind up.

Antti Niemi
The bad: Was easily the most over-rated Stanley Cup winning goalie in the entire league last year.
The good: Doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit", although technically that's also true of all the other words in the English language.
Where he'd fit: Philadelphia, according to everyone in the entire hockey world who doesn't work in the Flyers' front office.

Lee Stempniak
The bad: Only seems to play well in Phoenix, which pretty much limits him to one-year offers.
The good: Hasn't played for the Maple Leafs since the trade deadline, so most of the loser stench has worn off by now.
Where he'd fit: Any team that only hired a scouting staff in mid-March.

Paul Kariya
The bad: Most scouts agree that his dimples are slightly less adorable than they used to be.
The good: Was at one point, many years ago, Paul Kariya.
Where he'd fit: Pretty much any team that's looking for a veteran scoring winger to play on a line with Teemu Selanne.

Ilya Kovalchuk
The bad: May have suffered a series of undisclosed head injuries during his career, based on his apparent willingness to commit to spending 17 years in New Jersey.
The good: Will no doubt be well-rested after the upcoming year-long work stoppage that he caused.
Where he'd fit: Any team that's been smart enough to preserve some cap room in 2027.

Owen Nolan
The bad: Is widely recognized as one of the worst NHL players that Belfast, Northern Ireland has ever produced.
The good: Can offer detailed scouting reports on the 30 NHL teams, all of which he's recently played for.
Where he'd fit: A team that believes it is one salt-and-pepper goatee away from contending.

Kyle Wellwood
The bad: Has occasionally experienced minor conditioning setbacks, which some bloggers have cruelly exaggerated to get cheap laughs.
The good: Is an extremely well-rounded player. Often appears to be everywhere on the ice at the same time. Has an overwhelming presence which can dominate the dressing room. Is unanimously considered to be one of the hungriest players in the league.
Where he'd fit: Any roster with a large hole to fill.

Miroslav Satan
The bad: Is always going on and on about his theory that the whole thing was just a dream by Leonardo DiCaprio's character, which is odd since he's talking about the seventh season of Growing Pains.
The good: Was an alternate on the NHL's millennial All-Miroslav team.
Where he'd fit: The New Jersey Devils, according to the International Union of Hilarious Newspaper Headline Writers.

Jose Theodore
The bad: Goal scoring totals have dropped significantly since 2000-01 season.
The good: Has been known to entertain teammates with hilarious made-up stories about winning the Hart Trophy.
Where he'd fit: Any NHL team where he wouldn't have to worry about once again losing his starter's job to Cristobel Huet. So, any NHL team.

Darcy Tucker
The bad: Is too old and broken down these days to randomly leap into opponent's benches any more; now just sort of limps over and then tumbles in.
The good: Critics who accuse him of being dirty don't have a leg to stand on, mostly because he's blown out both their knees.
Where he'd fit: Sami Kapanen's sweat-drenched nightmares.

Vesa Toskala
The bad: Often reminds you of the love child of Hardy Astrom and Andre Racicot, assuming that child was forced to play goal before developing gross motor skills.
The good: Has never been one of those irresponsible goalies who takes a brand new set of equipment and then spends the season ruining it by letting a bunch of pucks hit it.
Where he'd fit: As the backup for whatever ECHL team John Ferguson Jr. is working for these days.