Ron Wilson's 15-point plan for fixing the Maple Leafs

It could be worse.
[Checks standings.]
Wait, I was wrong.

OK, so maybe October didn't go quite as well as it could have.

But that's fine, because now it's November (when it matters). And while some might point out that the Leafs have already fallen so far behind a playoff pace that the rest of the season if essentially futile, I remain optimistic. Because the Leafs still have Ron Wilson, and Ron Wilson has a plan.

How do I know? Because I've seen it. DGB spies found it in his office in a folder labeled "super top secret" and they were kind enough to send me a copy. And because I know that loyal Leaf fans could use some reassurance that everything is under control, I'm reprinting it here.

Here's Ron Wilson's 15-point plan for getting the Leafs back on track:

• Have goaltending coaches work extensively with Vesa Toskala on positioning. Specifically, how to position his ass on the end of the bench for the remainder of the season.
  
  
• Reconsider season-long policy of having the team's penalty kill strategy organized by the NHLPA executive committee.
  
  
• Keep reminding Brian Burke that coaching a team full of overmatched losers who suffer crushing defeat in every game they play will actually end up being invaluable experience once the Olympics start.
  
  
• From now on, before every game each member of the starting lineup must eat a hair from Ian White's moustache.
  
  
• Look through pockets of pants we were wearing on July 1, see if we can find the receipt for Mike Komisarek.
  
  
• Get everyone's mind off of current slump by taking entire team to see the big-budget Hollywood blockbuster "2012", which is presumably the true story of the Leafs' next decent draft pick.
  
  
• I don't know, maybe ask Luke Schenn to not suck so much this year?
  
  
• Continue to send guys like Stalberg, Bozak and Tlusty to the minors if they don't perform, sending a clear and unmistakable message that roster spots on this team must be earned (assuming you're a rookie, and not a veteran third-liner, in which case don't worry about it.)
  
  
• Practices will no longer include an intensive drill called "How to take a lazy, momentum-killing holding penalty at the worst possible time".
  
  
• Continue with brilliant scheme of winning one game in October, two in November, four in December and so on. By the time foolish opposition realizes our plan, we'll have clinched a playoff spot thanks to 64-win April.
  
  
• Send Jason Blake home from practice with suggestion that he get some well-deserved rest. Then, when he's napping, quietly move his bed into the 401 collector lane.
  
  
• Have players spend time in soundproof hyperbaric chambers to better prepare them for the atmosphere during home games at the ACC.
  
  
• New practice drill: pointing at Tomas Kaberle and yelling "Everyone be like him!"
  
  
• Make sure Phil Kessel understands that despite mounting pressure due to fan and media expectations, it's actually completely fine if he doesn't score a goal on a particular shift as long as he remembers to come back and score two on the next one.
  
  
• Work on resume.