Who took out Matt Stajan?

Artist's conception

There's been lots of coverage of Matt Stajan's eye injury, which apparently happened when he was hit in the face with a soccer ball during a warmup session. What's missing from the stories I've seen so far is a culprit. Last time I checked, soccer balls don't just fire themselves down a hallway.

So the question becomes, who did it? Who took out the Leafs' leading scorer?

I'm not sure I can answer that, but I do think that we can narrow the field by the process of elimination. Here's a list of Leaf-related suspects I think we can declare innocent of all charges.

Jason Blake - Shot would have fluttered harmlessly into Stajan's chest.

Ryan Hollweg - Would have been the first known instance of him hitting somebody who was facing him.

Vesa Toskala / Curtis Joseph - So far this season, have not been involved in any cases of a shot actually being stopped.

Howard Berger - Could not possibly spend time playing silly games like soccer when there are sick children dying in the hospital.

Luke Schenn - Would have immediately laid hands on Stajan, healed him.

Brian Burke - Wait, did you say "soccer"? What are you, some kind of European? You're traded!

Tomas Kaberle - Not sure what you mean by "shooting". Is that like a really hard pass or something?

John Tavares - Is not actually on the Leafs roster. That's a recurring dream you've been having every night since the WJC started.

Ian White - Spends 100% of off-ice time grooming moustache.

Damien Cox - Couldn't have been involved, since that would have meant actually being near the dressing room.

Lee Stempniak - Upon trade to Leafs, signed contract addendum agreeing to never do anything that has any impact, on anything, ever.

Mats Sundin - No longer plays for Leafs. You were probably unaware of this due to the lack of media coverage.

Dominic Moore - Former Harvard grad has no interest in soccer, and has so far been unsuccesful in organizing impromptu hallway games of fencing or lightweight crew.

Jeff Finger - Too busy with regular off-ice activities: rolling in pile of money, looking at statistics, laughing hysterically.

Alexei Ponikarovsky - But did immediately hammer the rebound back into Stajan's face out of force of habit.

Ron Wilson - Is a wise judge of talent who instantly recognized Stajan's abilities, and would obviously never do anything to remove him from the lineup.