performance review consisted entirely of
Kevin Lowe miming a wanking motion.
Scene: A board room at Edmonton Oilers headquarters. Kevin Lowe and Craig MacTavish are finishing up an extensive interview.
Lowe: Thanks again for coming in Craig. Obviously we want to move quickly to replace Steve Tambellini, and I have to say you did great on the interview.
MacTavish: Thanks Kevin. Happy to have the opportunity.
Lowe: I was especially impressed by this glowing letter of reference from Randy Carlyle, where he explains how you "never made your brain all sweaty" by wearing a helmet. So we'll certainly keep that in mind.
Lowe: Now as per team policy, we will of course be filling this vacant front office position with a former Edmonton Oilers player. And right now, you're certainly at the top of our list. But we do have a few other candidates to speak to.
MacTavish: Absolutely. It's all about due diligence.
Lowe: Thanks your understanding. (into intercom) Please send in the next candidate.
Wayne Gretzky enters the room.
Lowe: Thanks for coming in, Wayne. Now I have to say that I'm somewhat surprised that you're interested in returning to Edmonton. You seem like more of a southern US guy these days.
Gretzky: Well, it's true that for the past few years my family has spent most of our time in California. And I just feel like it would be a really nice change to come back up to a cold weather climate.
Lowe: Well, we certainly offer that.
Gretzky: Yeah, I really think my entire family needs to spend some time where it's snowy and cold and nobody ever wears a bikini.
Gretzky: My ideal situation would involve mandatory head-to-toe parkas for everyone.
Lowe: OK, but any thoughts on what you'd do as the general manager?
Gretzky: Oh, I'd just let Dave handle that.
Lowe looks up at Dave Semenko standing behind Gretzky with his arms crossed.
Lowe: Does he still follow you around everywhere?
Semenko (cracking knuckles): Is there a problem with that?
Lowe: No sir.
Semenko: I didn't think so.
Lowe: OK, well thanks for coming in Wayne, and we'll certainly let you know.
Gretzky: Thanks. If you need me, I'll just be outside ordering Dave to smash every camera we see with a baseball bat.
Semenko: Dave wants to go on a canoe ride.
Lowe: You do that, Dave. (into intercom) Next candidate please.
Mark Messier enters the room.
Lowe: Mark, great to see you. So based on your extensive NHL experience, what would be the first steps you would take towards building a Stanley Cup championship team?
Messier: I would make a series of trades.
Lowe: Can you be more specific?
Messier: I would trade every good player on the roster to the New York Rangers.
Lowe: The Rangers.
Messier: Yep. May as well start planning the parade.
Lowe: I'm sorry, but how exactly would giving all our best players to the Rangers help us win a championship in Edmonton?
Messier (surprised): In Edmonton? Dude, you have to be more specific in your questions.
Lowe: (sighs heavily)
Messier (chuckling): Bring the Stanley Cup to Edmonton… I mean, the odds of that ever happening again have to be 1,000-to-1.
Gretzky (peeking his head in the door): Janet says she can get you 900.
Lowe (into intercom): Please send in the next former Oiler.
Ryan Smyth: Hi guys!
Smyth (enthusiastically): Let's do this!
Lowe: OK, Ryan… you are aware that you still play for the team, right?
Lowe: You're at the rink literally every day. We're paying you over two million dollars. What did you think you were doing?
Smyth: I kind of assumed I was some sort of a consultant or something.
Lowe: You're our fourth line winger.
Smyth: Oh man. Wow.
Lowe: Come to think of it, this actually explains a lot.
Smyth: I should probably go do a sit up or something.
Lowe: You probably should. OK, at least this can't possibly get any worse. (into intercom) Are there any other former Oiler players out there?
Voice from outside: Boo-yah!
Lowe: Oh god no.
Chris Pronger kicks in the door and enters the room wearing a necklace made out of Dave Semenko's teeth.
Lowe: Chris, I know you played here for a season but I didn't really expect you to be interested in returning.
Pronger: Well, as you know my playing career recently ended, so I'm looking to keep busy.
Lowe: I see. And remind me why your career is over?
Pronger: I suffered a serious head injury, which to this day is still causing me lingering symptoms that can make even simple decision making a challenge.
Lowe: And you're applying for the Oilers GM job because…
Pronger: Based on the last few years, I just kind of assumed that was a job requirement.
Lowe: I hate you.
Pronger: Can I go now? Ryan Smyth says he knows an all-you-can-eat chicken wing place.
Lowe: You may.
MacTavish: I thought that went well.
Lowe: OK Craig, I think we can safely say you're the best candidate. Consider yourself hired.
MacTavish: That's great, I'm really excited for the job.
Lowe: I am too. Look, we all know it's a tough time for the organization, but I really think you're going to do great. We need a fresh new vision, and I look forward to seeing you take us in a brand new direction.
MacTavish: So, when do I start making decisions?
Lowe: Decisions? Oh no, I'll still be making all of those. You're basically here for some light office work.
MacTavish: Ah. OK.
Lowe: First order of business, gather up all these resumes from the other candidates and file them away.
MacTavish: Right away sir. Where did you want them?
Lowe: Oh, just put them over there, in the file folder labeled "Resumes for 2015 GM vacancy".
Amazon.com | Amazon.ca | Kindle | Barnes & Noble | Nook | Chapters/Indigo | Kobo | iBooks