The NHL's application form for new owners

The "Everyone who thinks hockey can
work in Phoenix" club: 2011 group photo

Welcome to the latest round of NHL ownership roulette. While the Buffalo Sabres seem to have found a saviour in Terry Pegula, other teams haven't been so lucky. The Dallas Stars' ownership situation could impact their ability to resign players like Brad Richards, while the Atlanta Thrashers have been mentioned as a team that could be on the move as early as next season.

And then, of course, there's the never-ending saga of the Phoenix Coyotes. Ongoing wrangling with the city of Glendale has many predicting that the team will have no choice but to move, perhaps back to Winnipeg.

It's all very frustrating, and as a fan you'd be forgiven if you were tempted to take matters into your own hands and just buy a team for yourself. And if so then you're in luck, because I've obtained a copy of the league's application form for new owners. Simply fill out the form below and send it to Gary Bettman, and soon you too could be the proud owner of your very own team.

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Thank you for your interest in purchasing an NHL team. As you can imagine, the process of being accepted as an NHL owner is an arduous one that involves an exhaustive examination of your background and qualifications.

In that spirit, please complete the following one-page application form:

Are you interested in buying an NHL team?
( ) Yes
( ) No

If you indicated "Yes" to the question above… uh, seriously?
( ) Ha ha… No
( ) Yes!

Wow. OK, next question: Do you have any money?
( ) Yes
( ) No
( ) No, but I am willing to pretend that I do until it's too late.

If you are applying to purchase a team in a large market with a rich history, please indicate the name of the billion-dollar company you are associated with:
______________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in a medium-sized market with a small but loyal fan base, please indicate how many loans you will require to complete this transaction:
______________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in the southern United States, please indicate how much loose change you have in your pocket right now:
______________________________

If you are applying to purchase a team in the southern US or other non-traditional market, please indicate the reason for your interest (check all that apply):
( ) Have not read an article on the economics of hockey since the 1993 Stanley Cup final.
( ) Have succeeded at everything I've ever tried; want to see what this whole "failure" thing I've heard so much about is like.
( ) Want someplace I can go a few evenings a week during the winter when I need to be alone.
( ) A judge has recently ordered me to pay half my net worth to my ex-wife; my lawyer tells me that this will be slightly less obvious than just setting a giant pile of money on fire.

Please describe your level of familiarity with the sport of hockey:
( ) Have been a die-hard fan ever since the sport was invented, back on the day Mark Messier was traded to the Rangers.
( ) Have seen most of the Mighty Duck movies.
( ) Once got a blister playing the arcade version of "Blades of Steel" with the rolly ball thing.
( ) Hockey's the one with pigskin and cleats and the billion-dollar TV contract, right?

Do you have an in-depth plan in place for financing a state-of-the-art arena for your team?
( ) Yes
( ) No

Can that in-depth plan be summarized in its entirety as "Get the city to pay for it"?
( ) Yes
( ) Yes

What is your ultimate goal in purchasing an NHL franchise?
( ) Winning a Stanley Cup championship
( ) Fostering a sense of civic pride within my community
( ) Fostering a sense of civic pride within whichever community I'm threatening to move the team to in a few months
( ) Have several enemies; would like to work in an industry in which I can break their necks without consequences

Hey, you're not planning to be one of those owners who writes open letters, are you?
( ) What?
( ) No sir!

Finally, if you're reading this application form on a smart phone, what kind is it?
( ) iPhone
( ) Droid
( ) Blackberry
( ) Unreleased Blackberry prototype, since it's my company and … uh, I mean, iPhone.

Nice try, Jim.
( ) Dammit!

Free agency: The NBA vs. the NHL

Hey Chris, that coffee machine over there
isn't going to just work itself.

The first few weeks of July mark the start of free agency in both hockey and basketball. And while both leagues can usually be counted on for some entertaining signings, there's little doubt that 2010 was all about the NBA.

Between the NHL's lacklustre crop of free agents and the NBA's much-hyped "big three" and beyond, every sports fan in North America has been transfixed by the daily intrigue of NBA free agency. And that no doubt includes many hockey fans who have otherwise never followed basketball, and may be confused by some of the what they're seeing.

Have no fear, hockey fans. NBA free agency is really very similar to the NHL version, with only a few key differences. To help you make sense of it all, I've prepared this handy guide to help you compare and contrast the two leagues.

NBA free agency: America's largest sports networks allows a star player to spend an hour announcing his decision in a farcical display of tone deaf self-promotion.
NHL free agency: Canadian networks would never participate in such a vulgar display due to higher journalistic standards, a distaste for self-aggrandizing hype, and the lack of available airtime due to their previously scheduled round-the-clock "NHL Free Agent Super-Mega-Frenzy 2010" coverage.

NBA free agency: To the horror of fans, one team can assemble an instant dynasty by just going out and buying three of the best young players in the game.
NHL free agency: A team can only assemble a team of young superstars the honorable way: by purposely tanking several seasons for high draft picks.

NBA free agency: Teams are often unable to free up roster spots by trading players thanks to the intricacies of the salary cap.
NHL free agency: Teams are often unable to free up roster spots by trading players thanks to contracts given out by John Ferguson Jr.

NBA free agency: Players and teams may begin negotiating on July 1 but can not finalize a contract until July 8, in an effort to avoid tampering.
NHL free agency: No such restrictions are needed; unfailingly honest players and teams respect the league's strict tampering rules, then agree to complicated multi-year contracts 15 minutes after free agency begins.

NBA free agency: If you're really tall, some team will pay you millions of dollars even though you never learned how to skate.
NHL free agency: Derek Boogard.

NBA free agency: Teams can exceed the salary cap by resigning their own players thanks to a rule known as the Bird exception.
NHL free agency: Teams can exceed the roster limits by building a lineup consisting entirely of defencemen thanks to a rule known as the Burke exception.

NBA free agency: "The July Moratorium" is the first week of July each year, during which teams may not sign free agents or make trades.
NHL free agency: "The July Moratorium" is Ilya Kovalchuk's new nickname.

NBA free agency: Teams can achieve temporary cap relief by sending players to a minor league organization known as the D-League.
NHL free agency: Teams can achieve temporary cap relief by sending players to a minor league organization known as the Atlanta Thrashers.

NBA free agency: A player can undo years of positive image management with one foolish appearance on ESPN.
NHL free agency: Players wisely avoid this risk by never being mentioned on ESPN, ever, for any reason.

NBA free agency: The entire proceedings are overseen by a commissioner who is dedicated to making the NBA the most popular winter sports league in the world.
NHL free agency: Same.

Where will Kovalchuk end up? The pros and cons

The Leafs got a firsthand look at pending UFA Ilya Kovalchuk on Tuesday night. And, like just about everyone else who's ever watched the guy, they had to have come away impressed.

Kovalchuk is shaping up to the big story of the season, as all indications are that he'll be moved at the trade deadline. Reports say that the Russian superstar is demanding a ten-year deal worth over $100 million. Countless rumors have linked him with various teams, either a rental or as a long-term destination.

Where will he wind up? And more importantly, what would be the best fit? It's a tough call, but I want to help figure it out.

Here are ten teams that have been linked to Kovalchuk recently, along with the pros and cons of each.

Washington Capitals
Many speculate that the Caps have the right parts to make a deal work, putting Kovalchuk and Alexander Ovechkin on the same line.

Pro: Would have plenty of down time during the post-season, since all four of the team's playoff series would be over in four games.
Con: Would run the risk of shoulder injuries due to raising arms in celebration of a goal after every single shift.


Montreal Canadiens
Bob Gainey may be looking to shake things up prior to his April firing.

Pro: What highly skilled offensive dynamo wouldn't jump at a chance to play for Jacques Martin?
Con: The team wouldn't actually have room on the roster to add him unless they cut somebody like Georges Laraque, which given recent world events they would of course never do.


Vancouver Canucks
Bring in a European star as a mid-season rental? That's practically guaranteed to work!

Pro: City is home to the upcoming Winter Olympics, meaning Kovalchuk wouldn't have to bother with the hassle and expense of arranging for shipping of his silver medal.
Con: He could have trouble fitting into the dressing room. Literally. Wellwood's off his diet.


Buffalo Sabres
Could the first-place Sabres be looking to make a big splash with a post-season rental?

Pro: Once the summer arrived, he could engage in the most popular activity among Buffalo residents: getting the hell out of the city and never returning.
Con: His arrival would likely be lost amid the overwhelming city-wide euphoria that's accompanied the hiring of Chan Gailey.


Los Angeles Kings
The Kings are young, talented, and may be on the hunt for a franchise player.

Pro: After ten years in Atlanta, it might be a nice break to move to a city where there's not as much interest in hockey.
Con: As the most talented and charismatic King since Wayne Gretzky, would run risk of being pressured into making a really terrible SNL hosting appearance.


Toronto Maple Leafs
Eklund says Burkie's definitely going to land him. Despite that fact, it's still technically possible that he could.

Pro: Certainly wouldn't have to worry about having his thunder stolen by some hotshot young draft pick.
Con: Rumored demands for a ten-year deal may not allow sufficient time for the team to return to the playoffs.


Calgary Flames
Fun fact: 50% of Alberta-based teams are capable of trading for star players.

Pro: Flashy Russians who don't backcheck just scream "Sutter guy".
Con: No way to tell in advance whether this is the particular year this decade when the Flames will go past the first round.


Boston Bruins
The team is a legitimate Cup contender, yet also has a lottery draft pick to trade. Wait, that can't be right.

Pro: Would be well-positioned to follow the traditional path to glory of a Boston star: produce a decade of unrivaled excellence, develop into a respected veteran leader, become a pillar of the local community, and finally demand a trade to a better team that has an actual chance at winning the Cup.
Con: Probably wouldn't have any chemistry with Marc Savard.


New York Islanders
Larry Brooks of the NY Post swears they're in the mix.

Pro: Kovalchuk could make an excellent mentor for John Tavares, helping him through the pressure of being a #1 overall pick on a team that won't win a playoff game for the next decade.
Con: Signing an enigmatic Russian superstar to a ten-year deal makes the front office all nervous for some reason.


Atlanta Thrashers
Don't forget, Kovalchuk could always decide to resign in Atlanta.

Pro: Would avoid the hassle of selling his house.
Con: Absolutely everything else.

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Southeast Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we look at the Southeast Division.

Atlanta Thrashers

The good: The team does, in the strictest technical sense, still exist.
The bad: Their plan to finally make it back to the post-season seems to involve building around former Maple Leafs.
Biggest question mark: How will the team react to the absence of Garnett Exelby, which will force them to play with two defencemen in proper position?
Fearless forecast: A frustrated Ilya Kovalchuk decides to stop passing, hang out at the red line instead of playing defence, and take eight-minute shifts, making him the first player to ever play exactly like you do in NHL 10 "Be A Pro" mode.

Washington Capitals

The good: Alexander Ovechkin seems to finally be coming out of his shell, and may even be willing to participate in occasional off-ice promotional activity.
The bad: I entered "Semyon Varlamov" into a Russian-to-English dictionary, and it came back "Steve Penney".
Biggest question mark: Why does every photograph of Mike Green look like it was taken three seconds after somebody woke him up?
Fearless forecast: The Capitals win 50 games, or more than the Nationals, Wizards and Redskins combined.

Florida Panthers

The good: Recently named Bryan McCabe captain.
The bad: Oops, that last one was supposed to be listed under "the bad". I guess Bryan's not the only one who gets confused about which side things are supposed to go in.
Biggest question mark: With Jay Bouwmeester's departure, which veteran will step up and teach the younger players what it takes to miss the playoffs every single year?
Fearless forecast: A guy who looks oddly like Jim Balsillie starts spending a lot of time in South Florida.

Tampa Bay Lightning

The good: Vincent Lecavlier appears poised for the sort of big year the team had in mind when they signed him to an $80M extension.
The bad: That apparently makes him the only person associated with this franchise who has any actual money.
Biggest question mark: Wouldn't it be better if we all just agreed that the lockout actually started in May of 2004?
Fearless forecast: The Montreal Canadiens make an aggressive deadline push to trade for Martin St. Louis in an attempt to add size.

Carolina Hurricanes

The good: Cam Ward's stellar play continues to indicate that he hasn't yet realized that he's Cam Ward.
The bad: While Ric Flair may be a native South Carolinian, having a crazy old white-haired man scream maniacally is really just an uncreative ripoff of Don Cherry.
Biggest question mark: Does Aaron Ward get one free sucker punch on Scott Walker to use whenever he wants? (Answer: Yes.)
Fearless forecast: The free agent signing of Tom Kostopolous forces coach Paul Maurice to slightly modify his famous quote to "There was a lot of purse stealing out there."