Signs your teammates are trying to kill you

"Then he said 'Say hi to Pelle Lindbergh',
and everything went black."

The hockey world is still buzzing about the Keith Ballard/Tomas Vokoun incident. And while teammates injuring teammates isn't rare, this one was more blatant than most.

Understandably, that has NHL goalies worried. After all, Vokoun can't be the only goaltender in the league whose teammates are plotting his demise.

NHL goalies must be thinking: What if I'm next?

Here's the good news: While attempted goaltender murder is common, there are always warning signs. You just need to know where to look. So if you're an NHL goaltender, review this list carefully. It could be a matter of life and death.

Signs your teammates are trying to kill you

• Your blocker is ticking.
  
  
• During games against the Predators, whenever you call someone over and try to whisper about defensive strategy he loudly responds "Dude, that's a horrible thing to say about Wade Belak's mom!"
  
  
• Every time you fall asleep on a team flight, you wake up tied to a fire hydrant at the end of Tiger Woods' driveway.
  
  
• Your crease now includes a chalk outline.
  
  
• The team hasn't acquired any forwards lately, but everyone keeps whispering about when the new sniper will get there.
  
  
• While sitting at home watching the ESPYs, you notice your photo in the dead athletes montage.
  
  
• Upon leaving the ice after a win you're immediately greeted by an eight-foot panther, but you don't play for Florida.
  
  
• While watching an NBC broadcast, they invite you to play a drinking game called "Have a shot of tequila every time Pierre McGuire says 'Monster'".
  
  
• When you ask a teammate whether he thinks the Leafs will win the Stanley Cup during your lifetime he says "No, but then neither will anybody else."
  
  
• They suggest replacing the traditional pre-game ritual of "stick tap across the pads" with a new version called "skate blade across the adam's apple".
  
  
• During a meeting with NHLPA reps to discuss the CBA, every question is about how the unsolved murder of the goaltender would impact the salary cap.
  
  
• That new guy they keep inviting out to practice looks suspiciously like Steve Tuttle.
  
  
• Eklund just reported that your teammates are definitely not trying to kill you.
  
  
• In post-game interviews they say things like "We just need to take it one game at a time, stay within ourselves, and try not to do too much. And also, we need to kill that guy over there."
  
  
• Your name is Vesa Toskala.
  
  
• Whenever you ask someone for a lift home, they say "I'm not heading in that direction, but maybe you can get a ride with Dany."