Friday, December 4, 2009

Signs your teammates are trying to kill you

Corpse of Tomas Vokoun
"Then he said 'Say hi to Pelle Lindbergh',
and everything went black."
The hockey world is still buzzing about the Keith Ballard/Tomas Vokoun incident. And while teammates injuring teammates isn't rare, this one was more blatant than most.

Understandably, that has NHL goalies worried. After all, Vokoun can't be the only goaltender in the league whose teammates are plotting his demise.

NHL goalies must be thinking: What if I'm next?

Here's the good news: While attempted goaltender murder is common, there are always warning signs. You just need to know where to look. So if you're an NHL goaltender, review this list carefully. It could be a matter of life and death.

Signs your teammates are trying to kill you
  • Your blocker is ticking.

  • During games against the Predators, whenever you call someone over and try to whisper about defensive strategy he loudly responds "Dude, that's a horrible thing to say about Wade Belak's mom!"

  • Every time you fall asleep on a team flight, you wake up tied to a fire hydrant at the end of Tiger Woods' driveway.

  • Your crease now includes a chalk outline.

  • The team hasn't acquired any forwards lately, but everyone keeps whispering about when the new sniper will get there.

  • While sitting at home watching the ESPYs, you notice your photo in the dead athletes montage.

  • Upon leaving the ice after a win you're immediately greeted by an eight-foot panther, but you don't play for Florida.

  • While watching an NBC broadcast, they invite you to play a drinking game called "Have a shot of tequila every time Pierre McGuire says 'Monster'".

  • When you ask a teammate whether he thinks the Leafs will win the Stanley Cup during your lifetime he says "No, but then neither will anybody else."

  • They suggest replacing the traditional pre-game ritual of "stick tap across the pads" with a new version called "skate blade across the adam's apple".

  • During a meeting with NHLPA reps to discuss the CBA, every question is about how the unsolved murder of the goaltender would impact the salary cap.

  • That new guy they keep inviting out to practice looks suspiciously like Steve Tuttle.

  • Eklund just reported that your teammates are definitely not trying to kill you.

  • In post-game interviews they say things like "We just need to take it one game at a time, stay within ourselves, and try not to do too much. And also, we need to kill that guy over there."

  • Your name is Vesa Toskala.

  • Whenever you ask someone for a lift home, they say "I'm not heading in that direction, but maybe you can get a ride with Dany."




29 comments:

  1. oh god, i almost busted a gut laughing at the third one!

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  2. "Whenever you ask someone for a lift home, they say 'I'm not heading in that direction, but maybe you can get a ride with Dany.'"

    Holy hell, this made me laugh so hard, I cried.

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  3. Mentioning Steve Tuttle was a cutting comment.

    Excellent job, as usual. Why has nobody offered you work as a sports columnist?

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  4. YES! The vehicular homicide joke really sealed it for me. You are some kind of wonderful

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  5. Your Name is Vesa Toskala.

    oh God I literally loled for at least 5 minutes

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  6. Whenever you ask someone for a lift home, they say "I'm not heading in that direction, but maybe you can get a ride with Dany."

    Oouuuch!! It´s funny ´cause it´s true!
    DGB - you are a seriously funny guy.
    Thank you, sir! No - thank you.

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  7. "Eklund just reported that your teammates are definitely not trying to kill you."

    LOL. Gold, DGB.

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  8. "Whenever you ask someone for a lift home, they say 'I'm not heading in that direction, but maybe you can get a ride with Dany.'"

    Between that and the Hossa knock in "NHL Injuries", I'm dyin' over here. I love it! You sir, have found yourself a new reader.

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  9. Wow, someone alert Steve Tuttle that his name just appeared on the internet!

    I was surprised to not see 'After a night of drinking in Philly, teammates are begging you to drive their Porsche home'

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  10. •While watching an NBC broadcast, they invite you to play a drinking game called "Have a shot of tequila every time Pierre McGuire says 'Monster'".

    At the rate McGuire spews them out you'd be dead by the end of the first period. If it's a Leaf game I'd give it 5, maybe 10 minutes tops.

    got a kick outta the dany heatley and eklund ones, too!

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  11. Take that Eklund's beliefs!

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  12. Your name is Vesa Toskala.

    Solid fucking gold

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  13. Dany can crash more than the crease.

    Kill more than penalties.

    How many PIMs do you get for manslaughter?

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  14. This is absolutely amazing. Thanks for the laugh!

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  15. Trying to trade for Keith Ballard should be known as "freeing up cap space."

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  16. That Dany one was awful and hilarious.

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  17. It's good to remind everyone, as it's getting closer to Christmas, that if you've been naughty, Dany might give you a ride home.

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  18. In the spirit of bashing Heatley, I give you...
    http://img692.imageshack.us/i/memeu.jpg/

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  19. last one is tasteless

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  20. The last one was hilarious, as were many others. Often are the times fellow Leafers have discussed pushing Toskala in front of a subway (except the subway would go through that gaping five hole...)

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  21. Was the line about Dany Heatly funny? Yes, certainly. Was it in good taste? Absolutely not. You are much too good a writer to use cheap shots to further your readership. And as your other bullet points show, there is no dearth of material that can be lampooned in perfectly good taste.

    sas

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  22. I like your blog, it's pretty cool. I have a couple of sports blogs myself which I hope will make a good contribution to the sports blogging community. I'd like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around. Please let me know if this is possible.

    Jason
    SportsSoundOff.net

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  23. LMAO AND TO THE GUY WHO THINKS DGB WENT TOO FAR WIT HIS JOKES IF YOU DONT LIKE IT GET A RIDE HOME WITH HEATLAY LOLLLLL

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  24. People watch the ESPYs? That might be funnier than any of the jokes :)

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  25. Vesa, Wado.... Genius.... Mrs. Belak is HOT!

    Dany? Perhaps too soon for those of us near Elmira.

    But could add "Brendan Witt asks you to run across the street for a coffee"

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  26. How about "Your teammates' video sessions consist of studying the Malarchuk incident."

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  27. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant

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  28. Funniest commentarie I have read in a lonnnnngggg time. Wow. This blog is awesome. Get a lift with Dany. That's priceless.

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