Sunday, April 26, 2009

A world without Leaf fans

A few nights ago, Mrs. Goes Brown watched a TV special called "Life After People", about the fate of the world if human beings were to disappear completely without warning. The show starts the day after humans vanish, and charts the way the world would change over time.

The scenario isn't realistic, of course, but it's meant to get you thinking. And it does. In my case, it got me thinking "How can I take this serious premise and twist it into a posting on a hockey blog?"

So I started wondering: What would happen if every diehard Toronto Maple Leaf fan disappeared from the planet tomorrow? How would things change? What would become of the rest of the world?

After giving it some thought, I think I've managed to map it all out. So here, in chronological order, are some of the way the world would change if Leaf fans suddenly disappeared.

April, 2009 - Damien Cox and Howard Berger have an awkward meeting on the streets of downtown Toronto, as they almost collide while doing celebratory cartwheels.

May, 2009 - Commissioner Gary Bettman is informed of the development. After confirming that Toronto is not a city in a southern US market, he shrugs his shoulders and goes back to watching the NBA playoffs.

June, 2009 - The NHL draft gets off to a rough start when the Islanders select John Tavares, only to be informed that nobody knows where he is.

July, 2009 - Confused Ottawa Senators seasons ticket salespeople report that half the hockey fans in the city don't seem to be answering their phones.

August, 2009 - Montreal Canadiens fans realize they are now the largest fan base in all of hockey. Considering that to be a victory, they start smashing store windows and setting cars on fire.

September, 2009 - Hockey Night in Canada struggles to prepare for the upcoming season while dealing with the sudden loss of Don Cherry, Bob Cole, and every one of their senior executives.

October, 2009 - The Leafs home opener features an empty upper deck, although the lower bowl is filled with people talking on their cell phones as usual.

November, 2009 - Damien Cox and Howard Berger have an awkward meeting on the streets of downtown Toronto, as they cross paths while handing out resumes.

December, 2009 - The Canadian pharmaceutical industry appeals to the government for a bailout, as sales of anti-depressants have mysteriously dropped to near zero.

January, 2010 - Eyebleaf starts to wonder why he's the only one in the Barilkosphere who seems to update his blog anymore.

February, 2010 - The Canadian modeling industry shuts down, as there are no more hot girls left in the country.

March, 2010 - Rumors spread that every diehard Phoenix Coyotes fan has also disappeared, but it turns out he was just on vacation for a week.

April, 2010 - Sales of NHL playoff tickets: unaffected.

May, 2010 - Damien Cox and Howard Berger have an awkward meeting on the streets of downtown Toronto, as both are trying to panhandle on the same corner.

June, 2010 - Richard Peddie announces that MLSE will be raising ticket prices.


  1. another classic DGB! a funny funny blog all around, but the June 2010 prediction had me laughing out loud! too funny - and oh so likely!

  2. The lightning would eventually have to come to terms with the fact that they'll never have another sellout.

  3. Isn't Bob Cole a Habs fan? Or is that an amazing jab at the poor sens fans?

  4. It'd be awfully hard being a Sens fan in Ottawa and having no one to yell "Leafs suck!" at, since that's the only pleasure they get in life.

  5. I once wrote Damien Cox and told him I could probably get him a gig at Cat Fancy magazine

  6. Bob Cole hates the sens so much that he won't even both learning all of their stupid names.

    I liked reading about Damien Cox and Howard Berger's descent to poverty. Tell it again..

  7. Love the Tavares and playoff tickets. Another awesome piece.

  8. I'd still be bitching about Raycroft, defending Mats Sundin, and yelling "PLAYOFFS!!!!!1," too.

  9. Sabres fans make out like bandits, as all 247 of them will finally be able to get tickets to Leafs/Sabres tilts in Buffalo.

  10. In case anyone gives a crap, I have started my own blog to much fanfare (0 comments on 3 posts, not bad). I actually started it a few months ago as a vehicle for my Hockey Fight Manifesto, but figured lately that I should see if I can get it going as a regular thing. So check it out, if you dare, at

  11. The lower bowl is filled to capacity although nobody shows up until the 5 minute mark of each period.

  12. One of the best posts you've written yet. I wonder how Alfredsson would fare without his boo-birds?